


The Sum of Us

by haikukitten



Category: Legion of Super Heroes
Genre: F/M, Genderswap, M/M, Pregnancy, Rape, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-12-19
Updated: 2012-07-28
Packaged: 2017-10-27 13:35:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 66,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/296401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haikukitten/pseuds/haikukitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A botched mission leaves Brainiac 5 traumatized and trapped in a female form. It's up to Invisible Kid to help Brainy deal with the aftermath and come to terms with the consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Exit Wounds

**Author's Note:**

> I should be working on several other stories, but that's not how my brain works. So while you're waiting for me to update something you actually want to read, I hope you'll enjoy this one. I would bring tissues. This might be the meanest I've ever been to poor Brainy.

**The Sum of Us**

 **Chapter One: Exit Wounds**

 _My hands are cold, my body’s numb._

 _I’m still in shock, what have you done?_

 _My head is pounding, my vision’s blurred._

 _Your mouth is moving. I don’t hear a word._

 **  
_-The Script, “Exit Wounds”_   
**

Querl Dox, codename Brainiac 5, packs light. He slings a bag of field equipment over one shoulder and he’s ready to join the away team he’s been assigned to for their latest mission. Space pirates, Cosmic Boy said. Querl doesn’t see how such a mission merits his presence, but Invisible Kid is on the team as well, and Querl has noticed that he and Lyle have been assigned to all the same missions lately. He’s not sure what to make of that. Part of him is grateful, because it’s somehow reassuring to have Lyle near him. There have been close calls before, times when Querl was afraid he’d lost his friend, and he’s been admittedly a little more paranoid ever since he saw Element Lad kill Monstress.

Still, he has never voiced his irrational fears to anyone else. It is not apparent to him how anyone could know that he does appreciate always being near enough to Lyle to protect him, should anything go wrong. Maybe it has something to do with him kissing Lyle’s cheek the one time. Several of his teammates tormented him for weeks about that, wanting to know what that kiss was about, or if he had romantic feelings for Lyle. For his part, Lyle never asked Querl about it. And truthfully, Querl doesn’t have a good explanation for it, other than that it was just a moment of such immense relief that he’d done it without really thinking about it.

Kiss or no kiss, and no matter how much he wants to keep Lyle safe, Querl decides it’s nothing he should dwell on. A relationship of any sort is not something he thinks he will ever be able to handle. There are many different things that have contributed to this, and Lyle doesn’t have a damn thing to do with any of them, but it is what it is. Querl knows it’s probably his destiny to devote every waking hour to his work, and to never have anyone in his life that will be able to conform to a life like that.

He clambers aboard the Legion cruiser, buckles into a seat next to Lyle, and they share a smile. Querl won’t admit it out loud, but it’s also a lot of fun to work alongside the other boy, inside a lab or out in the field. They make a great team, now that they spend more time talking and connecting, and less time trying to outdo one another.

“So, here’s the plan,” says Kid Quantum when the team is all aboard. “We’re going to dock on Rimbor, where the pirates’ ship is due to dock. Ultra Boy and I will handle the locals, Spark and Saturn Girl will provide a distraction, and Geek Squad sneaks on board the ship and get the information we need to shut these guys down. It’s simple in and out for now, but everyone needs to be on guard. These people are dangerous. Some of our sources are saying there might be a sorcerer on board.”

Querl can’t help but snort at that. “A sorcerer?”

“Sorcerers are real, Brainy, even if you don’t understand how their magic works,” Spark chimes in unhelpfully. “One day you’re really going to regret laughing at stuff like that. You’d better be careful around this sorcerer. He could turn you into something.”

“Like a frog?” Querl suggests. He rolls his eyes to show how unimpressed he is with Spark’s warning. “I’m sure that science will overcome.”

He shares another grin with Lyle, who winks at him reassuringly, and Querl feels completely at ease. Sure, there’s a degree of caution that should always be maintained on a mission, but Querl is far more confident than he used to be and he has Lyle backing him up. Surely this mission will be a piece of cake. A simple in and out, Kid Quantum said. He and Lyle will grab the info, get out, and that will be the end of it.

It seems to go as smoothly as hoped at first. They’re waiting on Rimbor when the vessel docks, dressed in cloaks to hide their Legion garb and distinct looks from anyone who might recognize them. When the pirate vessel opens and a few members of its crew step out, that’s the cue for the operation to begin. A ruckus nearby tells Querl that Kid Quantum and Ultra Boy are “handling the locals.” Meanwhile, Spark and Saturn Girl approach the pirate crew, distracting the men who are supposed to be guarding their vessel. The door is wide open for Querl and Lyle.

Lyle takes Querl’s hand in his, squeezes it, and then they both melt out of sight.

Querl regulates his breathing carefully, so as not to alert anyone to their presence as he and Lyle slip past the crew and board the huge pirate vessel. It’s no beauty of a ship, long since past its prime but modified extensively, so that it now resembles Frankenstein’s monster. The inside is no better, dark and mysterious like every den of villains always seems to be. Does it take a certain kind of evil personality flaw to make a person appreciate dark and dreary?

Only when they’ve gone a fair ways into the ship does Querl realize that he’s letting Lyle lead him. He can’t see his companion, but he can feel Lyle’s hand, warm and solid in his. He grips it just a little tighter, remembering for a moment that this work is dangerous, and people die sometimes. All he wants to do is hold onto Lyle, if he can. Life isn’t cruel enough to take that away, surely. Not after everything Querl has lost or failed.

They’re deep in the heart of the ship, undetected, when Lyle finally has to pause, and they both come back into view. There’s only so long that Lyle can mask two people – it’s considerably more taxing than simply masking himself. The boy looks a little pale and sweaty, but he shakes it off and smiles. “I just need a moment.”

“Okay,” Querl agrees, and gives that moment freely. He doesn’t express his concern for his friend, at least, not out loud. But he thinks Lyle probably knows anyway.

“I’ll scout ahead,” Lyle volunteers. “I don’t think I’ll be able to keep us both masked, so just hang back for now and I’ll make sure the coast is clear.”

Without waiting for Querl’s response, Lyle once again vanishes and then he’s gone. Querl can’t hear his footsteps; Lyle is too careful for that. But neither can Querl feel his friend’s familiar presence.

He would have preferred if they could have stayed together, but he knows Lyle is just trying to be safe. So he follows at a distance, trying to shake the nervous, unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach.

As he creeps through the ship, dodging crew members deftly, he is struck suddenly by the thought that this ship is a lot like a maze, all winding hallways and shadowy doors that probably shouldn’t be opened. It would be very easy for a person to get lost in here, and his anxiety grows the longer Lyle is gone and the more he searches.

Perhaps Lyle is lost, he thinks. This is a big ship, certainly not very fast, due to its size, unless it possesses a very powerful drive. It’s almost like a mobile fortress.

The sound of footsteps and voices alerts him to the approach of crew members. He quickly ducks around a corner, hiding in the shadows, and listens for the pirates to pass. Instead of walking on, he hears them pause a few feet away from his hiding place. He holds his breath, hoping they’ll move on before anyone notices him.

“This is why Rimbor is a useless planet,” he hears a woman’s voice say. “We’ve only just docked and there’s a full scale riot. This place is crawling with spies, and that Legion that’s been giving us trouble is always snooping around here. I told the captain this was a bad place to dock.”

“I’m sure it won’t affect us, Ms. Zanda,” a deeper voice answers her calmly. “We’ll take the cargo elsewhere. There are other planets that will pay well for these girls.”

 _Girls?_ Querl blanches at that and bites his lower lip worriedly. The Legion knows these pirates are into something big, but surely the slave trade is a bit daring. To his knowledge, the Legion knows nothing about any captives, just some large scale money extortion.

“Of course,” the woman, Zanda, replies. “We’ll go elsewhere. Is the ship ready?”

“We’re about to lift off,” the other voice replies. “The doors have already closed.”

Querl’s stomach lurches. The ship is leaving? The doors are closed? Is he stuck on this ship? He can’t think of any way to get off without being caught. And where is Invisible Kid? He can’t leave unless he knows Invisible Kid is safe.

“Hold on, Dram.”

Suddenly, there are footsteps approaching Querl’s hiding place. He activates his force shield on impulse, just before a tall, dark haired woman steps around the corner. Querl stiffens as the woman locks eyes with him, and then the woman’s eyes narrow hatefully.

“One of those damn Legion brats!” she snarls. “Dram, subdue him!”

Her companion, a hulking man with a sickly gray skin tone, appears around the corner and lunges for Querl abruptly. With the aid of his shield, Querl scrambles out of the man’s grip easily and turns on his heel, running down the opposite hallway. He has no idea where he is now, or where his teammate is, but he knows he’s no match for these two in a fight.

Raising his hand to his mouth, he speaks urgently into his ring, “Invisible Kid! I need backup!”

Silence answers him. A moment later, he feels the ship lurch as it rises from the dock. He stumbles in surprise and can’t catch his balance, but his shield should keep him from colliding with the floor; or so he thinks, right before he hits the floor so hard that it knocks the air out of him.

When he looks up at the woman who is striding towards him, he sees sparks dancing along her fingertips. He remembers what Kid Quantum said about a sorcerer being on this crew. Well, it looks like Kid Quantum was wrong – it’s a _sorceress_.

“Your fancy toys won’t do you any good.” Zanda grins viciously down at him. “I think you’ll find them inoperable.”

It’s true. Querl tries desperately to reactive his shield, to no avail.

Zanda clicks her tongue in mock sympathy. “Oh, the poor thing, Dram; he looks very scared. Tell me little man, do you have any friends with you?”

“No,” Querl lies easily. Since there’s a good chance Lyle is still somewhere on the ship, he has to be careful not to put his partner in any danger. He starts to push himself off of the floor, but getting to his feet does little good, since Zanda and Dram have him cornered. “My teammates caused the riot on Rimbor. I was supposed to steal evidence while your crew was distracted.”

“Brainiac 5 is your name, right?” Zanda asks. “I suppose they overestimated your talents, didn’t they?”

Querl draws himself up to his full height, which is still a little shorter than Zanda. The sorceress is incredibly tall.

“I seem to have made some miscalculations,” he concedes. Personally, he thinks his biggest mistake was being too laid back. He should have taken a more active role in planning this mission, rather than simply being happy for the chance to work alongside Lyle.

The sorceress looks him over carefully. “He’s quite levelheaded, isn’t he?” she asks her companion cheerfully. “And he’s pretty, for a boy. What do you think?”

Dram regards Querl thoughtfully for a moment before shrugging his shoulders. “For a boy,” he agrees with disinterest.

“Oh, silly me.” Zanda laughs and puts a hand on her hip. “You prefer the ladies, don’t you? Perhaps we can solve that problem.”

She reaches out and placed her fingertips against Querl’s forehead, her magic sparking again. For a moment, Querl feels nothing. Then he doubles over with a shocked gasp as pain courses through him. His knees buckle and he drops back to the floor, crying out. It feels like his insides are being twisted, and his bones shifting.

When the pain finally stops, Querl is sweating and shivering, his forehead pressed against the floor and his arms wrapped around his middle. He has no idea what Zanda just did to him but he’s pretty sure it can’t be good. He’s also not sure if it’s safe to move.

“How about now, Dram?” Zanda asks brightly. “Really, I think it’s a remarkable transformation. That green skin is so exotically alluring, don’t you think?”

Querl finds himself being hauled up off the floor and forced to stand upright. He wobbles a little before he regains his balance. His shoes feel oddly large on his feet, and his uniform is far too loose; his belt is hanging low on his hips.

His Legion ring slips off of his finger and clatters to the floor.

“Shall I take the prisoner to the pen?” Dram asks. “I don’t trust this one.”

“Like I said, Dram; subdue him.” Zanda pats Querl’s cheek and Querl flinches away from her. “You have my permission. I’ll go and inform the captain of the situation – we’ll have to be on guard for any followers.”

The sorceress strides off, leaving Querl alone with huge Dram, who is currently regarding him with far more interest than he showed a moment before. His brain starts working again a moment too late when he realizes he can use his belt again about the same time Dram grabs it and tears it off of him. The man throws the belt against the opposite wall, where parts of it bust and shatter.

“No tricks,” the man warns, gripping Querl by the arm firmly. He starts to drag Querl down the hall and Querl struggles not to trip over his too big shoes. Dram doesn’t seem to notice Querl’s discomfort, or perhaps he just doesn’t care.

Querl looks back over his shoulder at his abandoned Legion ring and the remains of his belt. There’s no way he’s going to be getting those back, he thinks glumly.

It’s not until Dram pushes him into a room with a window, where Querl catches a glimpse of his reflection, that he starts to understand what has been done to him.

“Today is not your lucky day,” his captor informs him grimly, perhaps taking note of the expression on Querl’s face. “Zanda doesn’t like to waste anything.”

Whirling around to face the man, Querl swings a fist. He suddenly knows with absolute certainty that he doesn’t want to be alone with Dram.

Dram easily catches his fist and twists his arm, causing Querl to gasp sharply. “Don’t struggle,” the man tells him calmly, pushing him towards a small bed. “We’ll get this over with quickly.”

“No!” Querl jerks uselessly in the man’s hold, only to have the man stick one hand down the front of his uniform to fondle ample flesh that really shouldn’t be there. His mind is refusing to acknowledge what he knows has happened to his body. That couldn’t have happened. It’s illogical.

It’s also illogical that he’s being overpowered so easily, and highly improbable that anyone would force him to bend over a bed like this, or strip him of his clothes, instead of just killing him while he’s vulnerable.

His captor pins him down to the mattress, his face pressed into the sheets, once he has been divested of his uniform. Querl squawks indignantly, trying and failing to kick the man off of him.

He screams in agony when his body is suddenly penetrated. The pain, like being split in two, originates between his legs. It takes him a moment, brilliant as he is, to understand what is happening.

One, he realizes that the image he found so disturbing in the window was true. His body, softer and weaker, and curved in places it has never been curved before, is no longer male.

Two, his newly female body is being violated by a man three times his size.

His captor begins to thrust, and Querl’s pain steadily grows. By now, his mind is lost in the hurt and mortification. This isn’t right, it can’t possibly be right. Of all the gruesome things he’s ever been afraid of experiencing in his line of work, he never even considered for a moment that _this_ was possible.

It doesn’t last long. Dram shoves into him a few times more, and then goes still. Telltale warmth that spreads through Querl’s insides lets him know that the man failed to use protection.

A moment later, Dram jerks away from him. The man was the only thing keeping Querl up, and the Coluan collapses heavily on the floor, his mind buzzing and that terrible place between his legs aching and bleeding like a wound.

“What did you do to me?” he whispers, finally recognizing that the timbre of his voice is wrong. It’s too high and feminine.

Dram doesn’t answer for a while, but after a few moments respite, the man pulls Querl back to his feet. Pain radiates through Querl’s body and he can barely stay upright. Dram forces Querl to walk – or limp – along behind him, still naked, with blood and something else that Querl doesn’t want to think about running down his thighs.

If they pass anyone else, Querl doesn’t remember. He only remembers how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other, and the numb feeling that overtakes him when Dram finally brings him to the “pen.” It turns out to be a large holding area, wherein there are thirty women, all dirty and haggard. When the door is opened and Querl is pushed inside, he’s quickly caught by several of the women and lowered gently to the floor.

Someone strokes his cheek kindly, murmuring to him in Interlac. “Easy there, you’ll be alright. Let your sisters take care of you. It’s okay.”

“I’m not a girl,” Querl whispers feverishly. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees another woman approach with a bowl of water and a rag. He jerks away, knowing instinctively what it’s for. “I’m not a girl!”

“Easy.” The woman holding him keeps her hold gentle, but firm. “I believe you. But you’re hurt, all the same. We can’t do much, but being clean will provide a little comfort.”

Querl groans miserably, but lets them gently clean his bloody thighs. There’s a lot of blood; he can tell by the way the bowl of water turns dark green.

“First time?” the woman holding him asks sympathetically.

“Not a girl,” he replies, his stomach twisting uncomfortably. “Magic isn’t real.”

“Oh, sweet thing,” the woman murmurs to him, petting his hair. “You’re bleeding quite a bit. I’m sure it hurts. If only we had something to give you for the pain.”

“It’s okay.” Querl feels himself drifting. He doesn’t think he’ll stay awake much longer. “I can barely feel it now…”

TBC


	2. Bear the Weight

**The Sum of Us**

 **Chapter Two: Bear the Weight**

 _And do what’s right_

 _When everything is wrong._

 _It’s easier to run,_

 _Easier to never have_

 _To look you in the eye._

 _It’s easier to lie._

 **_-Aqualung, “Easier to Lie”_ **

The ship is a labyrinth. Lyle quickly finds himself lost, so he doubles back in search of Brainy. Apparently this mission was not as well thought out as it could have been. To be honest, Lyle had not questioned it too closely because he was happy to spend time with his friend. Lately, he’s sure there’s a spark of something between him and Brainy.

For instance, he can now touch Brainy freely; he put an arm around the Coluan’s shoulders or waist, or he can hold Brainy’s hand in his own. He knows Brainy cares about him and enjoys his company. What Brainy probably doesn’t know is that Lyle is attracted to him and wouldn’t mind if they were more than friends.

Raising his ring finger, he murmurs his teammate’s name into his communicator. He waits a moment but receives no response. That’s not good. If Brainy was safe, he would have answered.

It’s about that time that Lyle feels the ship lurch and he knows somehow that the vessel is leaving with him and Brainy still trapped on board. And Brainy’s not responding – he could be in trouble and Lyle can’t even find him.

Unfortunately, his search for his teammate is interrupted when he hears footsteps and has to freeze in place. He does his best to breathe quietly to avoid detection as two crew members approach. They stop right in front of him and for a moment, Lyle is terrified that he has been discovered. However, the two men simply begin talking to one another casually and don’t seem to know they’re not alone.

As quietly as he can, Lyle starts to edge around them and then breaks into a full run when he’s far enough away. First things first, he has to find Brainy, and then they need to find a way off of this ship.

A little while later, Lyle feels as if he’s going around in circles. He also has this terrible sense that something is wrong, and that every minute he spends away from Brainy is only adding to it. He can’t shake it. The longer he’s trapped inside this labyrinth of a ship, the more his worry grows. If only he hadn’t left Brainy on his own. He hadn’t meant to lose track of his friend, it’s just that this ship is so confusing. But he should have stayed with Brainy anyway, and then at least Brainy would have had some backup.

He finds Brainy’s flight ring and the shattered remains of his belt abandoned in a hall; proof that something has happened. The belt, he understands. Anyone who realized what the belt was for would try to get rid of it right away. It provided Brainy with both protection and defense. However, Lyle does not understand why Brainy’s ring is there too, unharmed, as though it had been completely overlooked.

He picks up the gold band that he remembers carefully crafting for Brainy in hopes of winning the other boy’s trust back when the Legion was still new. He slips it into his pocket for safekeeping and continues his search.

A few snatches of conversations from other crew members he passes tell him that there’s a place called the “pen,” and that it is a holding area. Other key words he picks up on are “cargo” and “prisoners.” He gets lucky when he finds a crew member who has been assigned the duty of bringing food to the prisoners, a job that the man seems to deem far beneath him but grudgingly accepted. Lyle follows him quietly.

He bides his time and then strikes when the man pauses at a door and starts to take out a keycard. A well aimed blow to the head lays the man out flat, and Lyle pilfers his keycard and unlocks the door.

The room inside is vast, and does indeed contain a great deal of cargo. More importantly, there’s a large cage in one corner of the room. It contains a couple dozen women or more, all underfed and dressed in rags. Lyle scans them quickly, looking for telltale green skin.

Far away from the others, there’s a crumpled green body, naked, with scruffy blond hair. Lyle lets himself become visible and calls out, “Brainy?!”

A moment later, he realizes that the person is female and his heart sinks. So it’s not Brainy after all. He’d been so sure that his friend would be here.

Then he hears a voice answer him weakly. “Lyle?”

The girl looks up at him and Lyle recognizes the white discs on her forehead. His knees suddenly go weak and he grabs the cage for support.

Not possible, he tells himself. Maybe he’s just seeing things. But he blinks once, twice, and the girl with Brainy’s face is still there. Rather than waste time trying to figure it out, Lyle springs into action again and unlocks the door to the cage.

Instead of rushing to escape, the women in the cage all huddle together. They watch Lyle warily, but Lyle spares them scant seconds of attention before he rushes to Brainy’s side and falls to his knees. “Oh, Brainy, what happened? How could this have happened?”

He reaches out to Brainy, but the Coluan shrinks away from his touch. Her eyes are blank and unfocused, and Lyle can’t quite convince himself that this is really his friend, but he can’t deny what he sees right in front of him.

“You are her friend?” one of the women asks him hesitantly. She comes forward and Lyle looks up at her questioningly. “I am sorry,” the woman continues. “She has been in shock since she was brought to us. We did our best to clean her up and make her more comfortable, but there was not much we could do.”

Lyle’s heart skips a beat. He carefully places a hand on Brainy’s knee and grimaces when the Coluan flinches at the contact. “Come on, Brainy,” he murmurs gently. “We need to get out of here. I’m taking you home.”

Finally, Brainy looks at him again; her eyes seem to clear a little when she gets a good look at his face. “Lyle,” she croaks again. Her lower lip trembles. “I don’t… I don’t understand.”

“Can you walk?” Lyle asks. Brainy is in shock, and there’s no point trying to bring her – him – out of it right now. They’re wasting time.

When Brainy’s only response is to stare at him helplessly, Lyle makes a decision. Standing, he puts one arm under Brainy’s knees and the other around Brainy’s back and hefts the girl into his arms, staggering a little under the weight.

He looks at the woman and her companions, knowing he’ll have to leave them behind. “I’m sorry,” he tells them. “Thank you for taking care of her. We’re from the Legion of Superheroes. I will make sure that the Legion comes for you and this vessel is apprehended.”

“Take your friend and go,” the woman who seemed so concerned for Brainy replies. “She is your first priority.”

Brainy is shivering in Lyle’s hold, her face pressed against his shoulder. Lyle doesn’t hesitate a moment longer; he lets the two of them vanish from sight and then he begins searching for an escape route. The cargo room holds nothing of any use, so Lyle retraces his steps, careful not to trip over the unconscious man he left at the doorway.

It doesn’t take too long to find the ship’s emergency exit. It’s located very close to the cargo room. Unfortunately, it’s a keypad lock instead of a card swipe. Lyle very carefully settles Brainy down on the floor and tries to figure out how to work around the lock. Minutes tick by with no luck and Lyle growls in frustration. He’s stuck. There’s no way to get out of here.

Someone suddenly shoves him aside and Lyle looks over to see that it’s Brainy. The naked girl observes the keypad for a moment before punching a few numbers in quickly. The door slides open.

She turns to look at him expectantly. “Don’t just stand there. We have to go.”

Brainy’s newfound strength only seems to last her long enough to reach an escape pod before her legs give out and Lyle catches her before she falls. He lifts her into the pod and buckles her into the passenger seat before climbing into the driver’s seat.

His companion groans softly, her hand pressed to her abdomen as though she is in pain.

“How did this happen?” Lyle asks her softly. “Can you tell me?”

He doesn’t get an answer. Not that he was expecting one anyway. Brainy obviously needs medical attention, so that’s what he needs to focus on. The sooner they get back to the Legion, the better.

\--

“Legionnaires, this is Invisible Kid. Repeat, this is Invisible Kid, hold your fire.”

Counting his lucky stars that he actually found their team’s Legion cruiser, Lyle brings the pirate pod alongside the Legion ship.

“Invisible Kid, this is Kid Quantum. We’re opening the doors.”

The cruiser’s hatch opens, allowing Lyle to take the pod inside. When he opens the pod, Kid Quantum and Saturn Girl are there, waiting for him. He hops out quickly, trying to block Brainy from them. “Brainy’s hurt, I need a blanket and some painkillers, ASAP.”

“What’s going on, Kid?” Jasmin demands in full leader mode. “How was Brainy injured?”

Saturn Girl doesn’t ask any questions. She looks pale, as though she has learned something she would have preferred to have remained ignorant of, but she hurries to comply and comes back moments later with a blanket.

“We were separated,” Lyle says to Jasmin as he takes the blanket and carefully drapes it over Brainy. “I don’t know what happened. He was like this when I found him.”

He lifts Brainy out of the pod and tries to ignore the green stain on the seat where Brainy has been sitting. Part of him knows what happened, or at least what happened after Brainy somehow became a girl. He can’t figure out how Brainy ended up the opposite gender but that’s not the thing that worries him the most.

Jasmin is struck speechless when she sees Brainy’s transformation. For her part, Imra draws Jasmin aside and gives Lyle space. She probably knows that Brainy shouldn’t be crowded right now.

Brainy is still conscious, but only barely. The shock still hasn’t worn off, and Lyle is growing increasingly worried about his friend. She needs to get to medical bay as soon as possible.

“How is he hurt?” Jasmin asks again. “I mean, I can see what happened, but he’s obviously in pain.”

“It doesn’t matter, just get some painkillers!” Lyle snaps. He doesn’t want to explain to her what he thinks happened. Nobody else needs to know about that, though Saturn Girl seems to have already picked up on it.

When he brings Brainy to the front, Spark and Ultra Boy are manning the cruiser and they both turn their attention to Lyle as he lowers Brainy carefully into a seat. Brainy’s head lolls to the side weakly and she doesn’t seem to notice anyone else.

“Lyle, what the sprock happened?” Ayla squawks as she gazes at Brainy with a horrified expression.

“I don’t know, and everyone needs to stop asking me,” Lyle growls at the girl. “Just back off and get the cruiser back to Legion World as soon as possible.”

Saturn Girl presses a couple of small, white pills into Lyle’s hand. Very carefully, Lyle pushes the pills past Brainy’s lips and encourages the Coluan to swallow. He sits down beside her and wraps his arms around her, holding her close.

“Can you hear me?” he asks softly. “Are you in a lot of pain?”

Brainy swallows thickly and closes her eyes. “Don’t want to talk about it,” she mumbles, and it’s the most she has said since they escaped.

Even though he feels like screaming, or punching somebody, or crying, Lyle just nods and presses a kiss to the top of Brainy’s head. “Okay. It’s going to be okay. I’ll take care of everything, I promise.”

It’s not a promise that he knows for certain he can keep. There’re still all kinds of things that can go wrong. If Brainy was… assaulted… the healing process will be a long and trying one. Just thinking about someone hurting Brainy like that makes Lyle want to throw up.

Saturn Girl sits across from him and watches with a grim expression on her face. “Lyle, he’s projecting,” she says quietly. “I’m sure he doesn’t realize.”

“Sorry,” Brainy croaks, drawing in a shuddering breath. It turns into a sob that the Coluan chokes back stubbornly. “I’ll try not to.”

“It’s okay,” Imra replies gently, directing her words to Brainy now. “It’s just me, Brainy. You don’t need to worry about it. Are the painkillers helping you?”

“A little,” Brainy replies, seeming to open up to Imra. She relaxes slightly. “I’m not… not seriously injured.”

“You’re bleeding,” Imra replies, and Lyle doesn’t question how Imra knows that.

“Yes, but…” Brainy opens her eyes to look at Imra. “Your first time – there was blood, yes?”

“Brainy…” Imra’s eyes fill up with tears. “I’m so sorry.”

Brainy’s face loses a little color and she clutches at Lyle’s arm. “I think… I feel like I might vomit,” she murmurs. “Lyle…”

It’s Jasmin who rushes to Brainy’s aid, quickly fetching a disposable bag from the store usually kept there for members of the team who don’t take so well to space travel. She hands the bag over to Brainy just in time. Brainy grabs it and wrenches it open before she vomits up mostly stomach acid. The terrible, acrid smell makes Lyle feel even sicker.

With a miserable groan, Brainy lowers the bag. “Sorry,” she whispers again.

“No, it’s fine,” Lyle says sharply. He hates hearing her apologize like this when he knows that she’s not to blame for any of it. If anyone can be blamed, it’s Lyle. He left Brainy alone. If he’d been with Brainy, this might not have happened. “Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault.”

He feels a shudder go through Brainy’s body. She’s so much smaller now, all sharp angles and barely padded curves. Even as a boy, Brainy has never been the strongest Legionnaire. Lyle hates to think of how easy it must have been for some man to hold Brainy down and do this to her. It makes him so angry that he wants nothing more than to find the man who did it and tear him to pieces.

“Invisible Kid… Try not to be so tense.” Imra’s words shock Lyle and he looks over at her questioningly. The telepath forces herself to smile kindly at him. “You’re upsetting Brainy.”

Lyle turns his gaze to Brainy and takes note of how the girl is keeping her head bowed. Her shoulders are tense and her hands gripping the vomit bag fiercely. For the first time, he sees the deep green bruises on Brainy’s arms from where someone held her too tightly. He sees the vulnerable way Brainy holds herself, as though she’s afraid of what Lyle might do to her.

“Grife, no, Brainy…” He tries to speak more gently. His heart is breaking seeing his friend like this. “This isn’t your fault, okay? I just want you to know that. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to sound like I was mad at you, I… Grife, you’re the one who’s been through hell. I shouldn’t have… Brainy, I’m sorry.”

For a moment, Brainy doesn’t say anything. Then she sets the bag aside and turns to him, pressing her face against his shoulder. She doesn’t say anything but she doesn’t have to. The action alone tells Lyle that Brainy forgives him; more than that, she _trusts_ him.

The others can’t help staring. Lyle hates the way they’re all watching Brainy, like she’s some strange, exotic creature in a zoo. He considers making them both invisible so that the others can’t see the damage. No one else has a right to see this. No one else needs to know how much Brainy is hurt.

He’s never felt like a particularly strong person himself. That’s Jo, or Rokk, or even Garth, the boys who have become men, with muscles and hard heads and determination. It has never been Lyle. He is clever, sneaky, a soft boy with a pretty face that all the girls confide in because Lyle is _safe_ , Lyle understands them. Lyle is the confidant, the caretaker. His unspoken role in the Legion is “the one who looks after Brainy.” Everybody knows that.

But it’s one thing to make Brainy eat regular meals, or go to bed at night instead of staying up with his experiments. Little things that Brainy forgets are a pleasure to keep up with, really. It doesn’t take strength, just understanding. This is something different. He’s not sure if he can take care of Brainy now; doesn’t know if he’s strong enough to be there.

\--

When they arrive on Legion World, Brainy tugs at his arm urgently. “Take me to my room,” she murmurs. “Hurry, please. Before anyone else sees us.”

“You need medical attention,” Lyle objects immediately. Brainy can’t really expect him to just ignore what happened, can she? He knows that she’s still bleeding and that she’s in pain. It’s obvious that she needs to be examined, at least, to make sure that she’s not seriously injured. “We need to go straight to Med Bay.”

Brainy shakes her head, her face set in a fierce scowl. “Listen to me, Lyle, if I go to Med Bay it will just be for a pointless examination. There’s nothing Dr. Gym’ll can do for me that I can’t do for myself. I know what needs to be done and I want privacy. I don’t want to spend hours in a hospital bed getting poked and prodded, and the doctor will ask questions I don’t want to answer. Please, Lyle. My rooms.”

He hesitates to agree, but she makes a good point. “If I agree to this, you have to agree to let me help you. And you have to promise to tell me about anything that might be wrong.”

“Of course.” Brainy doesn’t sound at all convincing. “I’ll tell you if I need help.”

In other words, she’s not going to tell him anything, because she thinks she can handle this on her own. It’s not what Lyle wants to hear.

“I mean it, Brainy,” he warns her as he helps her stand up. The others are watching anxiously, and Lyle comes to a decision. He lifts Brainy up into his arms again and then shields them both from their teammates.

No one will see the state that Brainy’s in if Lyle has anything to say about it. He carries her back to her rooms and doesn’t let his shields down until the door is firmly locked behind them.

The com system in Brainy’s room announces, “Brainiac 5, report to medical bay. Repeat, Brainiac 5, report to medical bay.”

Brainy staggers to her bathroom, still wrapped the blanket from the cruiser. Lyle waits outside, pacing Brainy’s room nervously and cringing when he hears the shower turn on. All the evidence of what that bastard did to her is going to be washed down the drain. Brainy knows better than this. Doesn’t she want to get the guy who did this? Doesn’t she want him behind bars?

A thought occurs to him. All of Brainy’s clothes are going to be too big on her. He rifles through her wardrobe, searching for something that she can wear temporarily. Later, he’ll ask the other girls for castoff clothing, and he’ll be sure to ask Mr. Brande to provide Brainy with some new clothes as well. Brainy probably won’t do the asking herself.

He lays out a set of pajamas. The pants have a drawstring, so Brainy can at least keep them on. There’s no underwear that seems small enough, and there are certainly no bras. It will have to do for now.

Brainy comes back out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, her hair wet and plastered to her head. She looks even more like a girl now. Lyle tries not to stare at the changes; the curve of Brainy’s hips, the ample swell of her breasts, or her tiny feet and hands. His gaze lingers on her plump lips before he shakes himself out of it and looks away.

“I… found some clothes for you,” he tells her. “They won’t fit right. I’ll get you some more, okay?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Brainy lets the towel drop to the floor. Lyle knows he should look away but he can’t make himself. His friend’s body is so foreign now. He’s seen Brainy naked before, many times, but there’s nothing that remains of Querl Dox’s straight, stubborn stature that always used to make Lyle’s mouth water.

As Brainy pulls on the pajama pants, she doesn’t seem to notice Lyle’s eyes on her. She turns back to him with her shirt in hand but her breasts still bare. “You don’t have to stay here,” she reminds him. “I’ll be fine on my own.”

“Brainy…” Lyle watches her mournfully, knowing that she’s putting on a show. She can’t really be fine after what she’s been through. “I still think you should let me take you to Med Bay. You could have contracted something.”

She pulls the shirt on and refuses to meet his gaze. Her shoulders sag.

“Just blood tests and vaccines, then,” she says finally. “Nothing else. I don’t want an exam.”

Lyle nods. “Okay, that’s good enough. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

She lets Lyle shield them both from view, hold her hand, but she doesn’t let him pick her up. She insists that she can walk now but Lyle can’t help noticing that it’s obviously still uncomfortable for her to do so. He lets her have her way, even though it worries him.

Dr. Gym’ll greets them with angry scolding and dismay. “Brainiac, you needed an examination! Now all of the evidence is gone! We’ll be lucky if there’s any trace left. Lie down on the bed. I need to see if I can collect any evidence.”

“I’m not here for an exam,” Brainy replies, her eyes widening a little. “It’s not necessary and I don’t want anyone touching me.”

This only seems to make the doctor angrier. “So you’re just going to let the bastard get away with it? You’re going to act like it didn’t even happen? That won’t make it go away and you know that.”

“I don’t give a sprock if he gets away with it or not!” Brainy counters, her eyes flashing. “It’s done and it doesn’t matter now! All I want to know is if he gave me any sort of illness, so please just do the appropriate tests so I can retire to my room!”

Her outburst seems to shock Dr. Gym’ll enough that he doesn’t speak for a few moments. Then he asks her in a softer tone, “Did he use a contraceptive?”

Brainy’s lower lip trembles. “I didn’t want to come here. Lyle, I told you I didn’t want to do this.”

“There might still be evidence,” Dr. Gym’ll persists. “Brainiac 5, if there’s a chance this man can be held accountable for his actions, I want to know that I did everything I could to make sure of it.”

“He’s right,” Lyle murmurs. He doesn’t want to hurt her any further, but he wants to make sure that everything that can be done for Brainy is done. “I know you’re scared but the doctor isn’t going to hurt you. I’ll stay with you, okay? I’ll be with you the whole time.”

She doesn’t want to give in. Her whole body is so tense. But then she unties the soft flannel pants and lets them fall. The shirt is long enough to cover her body. Without another word, she lies down on the bed and turns her face to the wall.

“Get it over with,” she says, sounding tired. She just doesn’t have the strength in her to fight.

Lyle takes a seat at the head of the bed and offers Brainy his hand. She takes it without a word and grips it tight.

“Put your feet in the stirrups,” Dr. Gym’ll instructs as he pulls on rubber gloves. “I’ll try to make this as painless as possible.”

The doctor drapes a sheet over Brainy to provide her with a little modesty. As a result, Lyle can only guess at what the doctor is doing when Brainy’s face screws up in pain or embarrassment, or some kind of awful mixture of the two. Brainy clenches her eyes shut and grips Lyle’s hand so hard that he thinks she might leave bruises.

“You need to relax,” Dr. Gym’ll warns. “It will hurt more if you tense up.”

“Is this really necessary?” Brainy grits out. “Oh, ah, that _hurts_.”

“I’m very sorry.” For once, Dr. Gym’ll sounds like he really means it. “It’s not a fun process, I know.”

“I don’t think you do, actually,” Brainy spits, unforgiving. She opens her eyes to look at Lyle with pleading eyes.

Lyle tries to smile back at her. “It’s almost over. You’re fine. Everything’s fine.”

Everything is _not_ fine, and it might not ever be fine again. Lyle feels so cut off from Brainy right now. There’s no way he can fix things for his friend, and it’s so weird to look at Brainy’s face now and think that he’s looking at the same person he has known for years. Brainy is relying on him, and Lyle knows he needs to be strong, but he’s not sure he can bear to look at this beautiful girl every day and remember that she used to be his handsome, proud best friend.

He bows his head and just holds onto Brainy’s hand, hoping that they can make it through this together.

TBC


	3. Fit My Skin

**The Sum of Us**

 **Chapter Three: Fit My Skin  
**

 _When’s the day you start again?_

 _And when the hell does “you’ll get over it” begin?_

 _I’m looking hard in the mirror,_

 _But I don’t fit my skin._

 _It’s too much to take, it’s too hard to break_

 _Me from the cell I’m in._

 **_-The Script, “Long Gone and Moved On”_ **

Nightmares do not disturb Querl’s sleep when he retires to his room, because Querl takes what has happened to him and he locks it away inside his mind. For now, he refuses to let himself dwell on it when he knows he won’t be able to reach any sort of logical conclusions until he has had time to sleep and recover his energy.

When he wakes, it is another matter. He does not remember the previous day’s events at first. It comes rushing back to him when he stretches his body and an aching throb between his legs reminds him. For a moment, he freezes and his eyes sting with tears. He shoves the emotion back and forces himself out of bed. There’s no reason to let this keep him down. After all, he has a job to do.

Someone brought him a new uniform and left it in his room. Querl suspects it was Lyle but there isn’t a note. He tries it on and discovers that it’s a little loose in places, but acceptable. Before he goes out, however, there are some adjustments he must make.

He takes out his old supply of hair gel and very carefully slicks back his hair. Then he takes some wraps he occasionally uses for aching joints, and he uses them to bind his chest, flattening as much as he can, before it becomes too painful.

The image that greets him in his mirror after he shrugs on his white lab coat is not quite what he wants it to be. His features are still too delicate. But at least it’s less noticeable and he won’t feel so conspicuous.

As he leaves his room, he takes a couple painkillers. He’s still sore but he’s hoping he can ignore it.

Lyle greets him in the lab, as usual, but the other boy’s eyes quickly look Querl’s body up and down. Querl notices the way Lyle stares at his chest, as though trying to puzzle out what Querl did to the full breasts that were there before.

“I bound them,” he says in answer to Lyle’s unspoken question. “If you don’t mind, Invisible Kid, I would like to keep this matter quiet for as long as possible. It is most likely temporary. Once I have relocated the pirates, we will apprehend them and force the sorceress to restore my true form.”

He walks past Lyle, ignoring the boy’s shocked expression, and steps up to his control console. “The sooner we relocate that ship, the better,” he says. “I would appreciate your help in the matter, as you are by far the most capable, aside from me.”

“Brainy…” Lyle approaches him slowly, like he’s worried about making sudden movements. “Cosmic Boy and Kid Quantum are already working on relocating the pirates. Sci-Pol is going to back them up and Cos said it shouldn’t take more than a couple of days to round them all up. You don’t really need to worry about it.”

Querl’s fingers falter and hover above his keyboard. “Excuse me?”

“No one thinks you should be stressing yourself out over this,” Lyle says. “In fact, Dr. Gym’ll thinks you need a break and Cos agreed. You’re temporarily off duty. I’m supposed to tell you that Dr. Gym’ll wants you to talk to Dr. Ryk’rr at the next available opportunity. Other than that, he recommended that you rest and give yourself time to heal.”

“Temporarily off duty?” Querl’s hands clench into fists and he struggles to keep his temper in check. “That is ridiculous, Invisible Kid. I never asked for any time off. In fact, I would prefer to be involved in this matter, so as to avoid any further mishandling of what is obviously a more dangerous situation that we had originally thought.”

“I’m sorry, Brainy. We just don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Querl turns to face his teammate, his anger mounting. “I did not ask for your input! I will not sit on the sidelines when I know I can be of use!”

Perhaps without thinking, Lyle reaches out and grasps Querl’s arm. “Calm down…”

“Don’t touch me!” Querl shrieks, jerking his arm free of Lyle’s hold so fiercely that he stumbles backwards. Then he freezes, realizing what he has just done. Grife, it was just Lyle. How could he react so irrationally to his best friend?

The look on Lyle’s face says that his friend wasn’t expecting a reaction like that either. Lyle takes a deep breath, as though calming himself, before he speaks again. “See? This is what I mean. You’re not ready to deal with this. I mean, if you can’t even stand for _me_ to touch you… Grife, Brainy… Look at yourself. You’re doing your best to pretend like nothing happened, but that won’t make it go away.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Querl turns away from his friend, shaking his head. “I’m not pretending.”

“The breast bindings, the gelled hair…”

“I’m not a girl!” He whirls back around to face Lyle again, gritting his teeth. “Sprock it! Why shouldn’t I dress the way I always do?!”

“You don’t normally wrap your chest up, Brainy! And it’s been ages since you slicked your hair back like that!” Lyle isn’t backing down. In fact, he looks a little angry now. “And actually, for the time being, you _are_ a girl. Not mentally, sure, but you can’t just ignore how your body has changed! It’s not healthy!”

Querl rolls his eyes in disbelief. “And what would be healthy, Lyle?” he demands. “Tears? Would you feel better if I was a miserable wreck? We both know that’s illogical. I have my emotions under control.”

“Yeah, you looked like you had them under control just now when you yelled at me for touching your arm!” Lyle snaps. “Don’t make me laugh, Brainy!”

That smarts more than just a little. Querl draws back defensively, and for a moment feels the deep ache in his body more keenly. He wishes the painkillers would kick in. He hates that he can’t move without remembering what his captors did to him. Lyle can’t even begin to understand, but Querl knows his own limits. Shouldn’t he be the one to decide whether or not he can handle this?

“I’m going to talk to Cosmic Boy,” he says firmly. He strides past Lyle angrily, his lab coat flaring up in his wake as he moves. “We’ll see about all of this.”

“Good luck,” Lyle replies snidely. “Just be sure to stay out of reach or you’ll never pull the wool over his eyes.”

Querl sees red. He turns and he swings his fist. The blow catches Lyle square on the jaw because the other boy is too shocked to dodge.

“Sprock, Brainy!” Lyle presses his hand to his jaw, wincing, but he still stands firmly in the same place he was before. The punch doesn’t seem to have caused much damage. “You hit me!”

“Not as hard as I was hoping,” Querl replies with a frown, shaking his hand. His knuckles are stinging. He put his all into that punch, but Lyle looks fine.

Lyle watches him for a moment before sighing and shaking his head. “Brainy… you’re not as strong as you were before. I mean, let’s face it; brawn has never been your strong suit. Now…”

“Shut up!” Querl doesn’t want to hear it. Anyway, he already knows. He knows that he’s weaker than ever, that his body is wrong, his mind is wrong, everything is completely _wrong_. He knows because he was there when it happened. He felt Zanda’s magic twisting him and burning him from the inside out, and he _definitely_ felt that hulking giant of a man doing… doing _that_ …

He doesn’t cry often. There have been a few times, but as a general rule, he tries to avoid it. Usually, he succeeds. For some reason, he’s having trouble keeping the tears under control now. He tries to choke them back but ends up making a horribly pathetic little sound like a sob, so he covers his mouth with one hand and looks away.

“Brainy… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Lyle just wants to help, and Querl should be more understanding but he can’t make himself be. It’s not fair. Things were going so well, so why did this have to happen?

“Just get out,” Querl whispers harshly, shaking his head.

“Brainy.”

“I said, get out!” He hates the way his voice is too high when he shouts; hates the way Lyle is looking at him now and if the other boy doesn’t leave, Querl doesn’t know what he might do.

Finally, his friend seems to get the picture. Without another word, Lyle leaves the lab. Querl has it all to himself now, as much good as that does him. At this point, he’s pretty sure he won’t be able to get any work done. He’s shaking too much.

He gives up eventually and just sinks to the floor. Drawing his knees to his chest, he hides his face against them and pretends he’s not crying.

\--

After that, he doesn’t leave the lab. He isn’t sure how many people know what happened, and he isn’t sure his efforts at hiding his new body can withstand close scrutiny from his teammates. Everyone will know what happened if they get a good look at him, and then it’s only a matter of time before people start figuring out what happened _after_.

Lyle doesn’t come back and Querl isn’t surprised. He knows Lyle is disturbed by what’s happened, and he doesn’t blame the other boy. Anyway, Lyle is attracted to _men_ , and Querl isn’t a man anymore. It probably makes Lyle sick just to look at him now. It makes Querl sick to think about it.

Not to mention that even if he wasn’t female now, there’s also what Dram did. Lyle figured it out pretty quickly, and Saturn Girl knows too. Querl is certain that by now the other members of the away team have put the pieces together as well.

It’s not just that his body is female. Even the girls in the Legion are tough enough to protect themselves from this sort of assault. If it was Saturn Girl or Spark in his place, they would never have let that man overpower them so easily. But without his belt, Querl is helpless, regardless of gender. He’s gotten too confident in the abilities of his inventions. The next time, he could end up dead.

It is late evening before anyone comes to Querl’s lab. He looks up when he hears the door open, but it’s not Lyle. Instead, he sees Garth’s Tromium form glimmering in the dim light. Garth is carrying a tray of food.

“Hey,” his teammate greets. He puts the tray of food on the counter. “I brought you something to eat.”

Querl hesitates to approach the food. He’s hungry and his stomach is making loud complaints at his treatment of it, but Querl can’t figure out why Garth has gone out of his way like this. He watches the other boy warily.

“It’s not poisoned,” Garth assures him with a chuckle. “It’s just… You haven’t been out of your lab all day and I figured you must be hungry. I know you don’t want to go out where people can see you, so I thought I’d just bring the food to you.”

“How did you know?” Querl asks him sharply. “That I wouldn’t want to go out?”

Garth doesn’t speak for a moment. Then he takes a deep breath. “Brainy, no one meant for it to get out. It just sort of happened. Some people put two and two together; some people couldn’t keep it to themselves… Don’t blame anyone. Everyone’s worried about you.”

“Right,” Querl scoffs. “None of them think it’s hilarious that I’m stuck like this.” He gestures to his body vaguely. “I’m sure they all find it absolutely tragic.”

“Okay, yes, some of them aren’t being as tactful about their comments as they should be,” Garth concedes with a sigh. “But you can’t blame them for that. They just don’t understand. That’s why I came to see you. Believe it or not, I do understand some of what you’re going through right now.”

The room tilts dangerously and Querl has to sit down before he falls over. He puts a hand to his forehead and purses his lips. “I appreciate the sentiment, Garth, but our situations are very different. I’m not sure how much you know about it but I assure you that it’s more delicate than just… appearances.”

“Imra only told me about your… transformation,” Garth admits. “Is there more to it, Brainy? I thought Imra might be keeping something from me.”

“No, just…” Querl shoves his hands into the pockets of his coat and shrugs his shoulders. He doesn’t want to tell anyone what happened. Garth doesn’t need to know. Then again… maybe Garth really can understand, a little, how hard this is. “Something else happened.”

Garth’s face is hard to read, etched in crystal as it is. Still, Garth manages to look dismayed. He nods solemnly and takes a seat beside Querl. “You can talk to me. I’m not going to judge you or tell anyone else. What happened?”

It’s so hard to say it out loud. Querl’s not sure if he can make himself speak the words. But part of him wants to share the secret with someone outside of the bubble. He wants to think that Garth will be able to comfort him. He’s so scared right now, so worn down and hurt, and he just needs someone to understand.

“There was a man,” he says softly. “One of the pirates, he… The sorceress who did this kept my belt from working, so I had no defense. Then her companion, he took me to a room. We were alone. I… I didn’t even realize what had happened to my body until he…”

He trails off and looks away from Garth. There’s no way he can say it out loud.

“Brainy…” Garth doesn’t reach out to him like Lyle. He stays in his seat. But he sounds so _sad_. “I think I know. You don’t have to say it.”

There’s a lump in Querl’s throat that won’t go away. “I want to be able to say it,” he croaks out. “It shouldn’t have any power over me.”

But it does have power. It makes Querl’s skin crawl when he thinks about it. It makes him want to hide the body that Dram found attractive, and makes him want to hide permanently in his lab to avoid ever being in a situation like that again. The memory of what happened has so much control over Querl now that he feels hopeless. It’s illogical, irrational, but Querl can’t seem to put mind over matter.

“Take your time,” Garth tells him kindly.

Querl nods and blinks back tears. He’s not going to cry again. If it’s the only thing he has any control over at all, he _will_ control it.

“I was… raped,” he finally manages. The word tastes like ash on his tongue. He draws in a shuddering breath and shakes his head. “I… I’ve been trying to tell myself it doesn’t matter. It’s not the first time I’ve been injured on a mission. Why should this be any different? But I just…I can’t get over it. I’m embarrassed… ashamed… like it’s somehow my fault. I know better but it just _hurts_ so much, Garth.”

He realizes that the tears are dripping silently down his face, but he can’t keep them held back now that the matter is out in the open. Scrubbing at his eyes fiercely, he tries not to meet Garth’s gaze. “Grife, I know I should be able to handle this. I’m… I’m _Brainiac 5_. I’m supposed to be smarter than this.”

“Don’t say that.” Garth’s words cut through Querl’s haze of self-deprecation. “ _You_ didn’t do a damn thing wrong, Brainy. The people to blame are the ones who should be paying for it. Listen to me, you are brilliant and strong and brave. You’re one of the finest Legionnaires I’ve ever known. But you’re not invincible. Even…Even Superman had to deal with terrible things sometimes.”

Querl looks up at his friend sheepishly. “Garth… Thank you. That means a lot.”

“You can thank me by eating something,” Garth replies, motioning to the tray he brought with him. “You need to take care of yourself.”

“Right.” Querl wipes away his tears and forces a tight smile. He rises on shaky legs and goes over to the tray of food. “I… appreciate your understanding. I don’t think that Invisible Kid is taking it nearly so well.”

“What does that mean?” Garth asks. “Did he say anything to you?”

“No. Not directly.” Querl picks up a fork and prods at the food dispassionately. “He’s trying to help, but the way he looks at me… I know he doesn’t know what to do. This body, it’s not me. I don’t blame him for hating it. I hate it myself.”

Garth tilts his head to one side quizzically. “Invisible Kid doesn’t, you know, _like_ your new… you?”

“Invisible Kid prefers men,” Querl replies. He shudders a little at Garth’s question. It would be worse of Lyle really was attracted to this body. “I think we had something before this happened, but now I don’t think there’s any hope.”

“Well, that’s his loss,” Garth says firmly. “You look amazing, Brainy, really. I know it’s not really you, but at the same time, it still is. You know? Magic can’t make you into something completely different. It had to work with what was already there, and you are beautiful.”

Querl feels himself blush and he stares down at his hands. “Even dressed like a boy? I bound my chest to make it flatter. It just… didn’t look right.”

“Even dressed like you are,” Garth agrees. “Not every girl dresses in pink skirts and unicorns. You don’t need to change anything about yourself. As for wrapping your, err, breasts up… I suppose that’s up to you. If they make you uncomfortable, do what you have to do.”

“Hmm… You’ve grown up a lot since I first met you, Garth.” Querl picks at his food, but he’s smiling a little now. He’s surprised that Garth’s words have cheered him up so much, but they have. “Do you know anything about what the Legion is doing in regards to those pirates? I’ve been informed that my assistance is not needed in the matter, and that I’m on temporary leave.”

Garth winces. “Ouch, I know what that feels like. I’m afraid I got voted off the island too this time around. Cos just says it’s a tough situation and everyone involved needs to be completely prepared. I guess I don’t count as ‘completely prepared.’”

With a shrug, Querl shoves a forkful of food into his mouth. His spirits a little higher now, he realizes that he’s extremely hungry. He hasn’t eaten since yesterday morning and the boring cafeteria food that Garth has brought him suddenly seems like a feast.

“Have you talked to Dr. Ryk’rr yet?” Garth asks. He tries and fails to make the question sound casual.

Swallowing his food, Querl replies, “I honestly have not had the time to even process everything that has happened. I’m lucky I managed to dress myself this morning.”

“Yeah, you’re a little, uh… Well…” Garth stood from his seat, looking Querl over critically. “Your suit isn’t completely zipped up and it’s not tucked into your boots properly. It’s kind of obvious that you dressed yourself today."

“I always dress myself,” Querl mutters, but he’s embarrassed. “I must look like a wreck.”

“Kind of,” Garth admits. “It’s okay. No one expects you to just bounce right back.”

Querl’s shoulders slump. He pushes his food around a bit with his fork. “Yes, I suppose that’s fair. I’ll admit that I am experiencing a fair bit of denial. And clearly I’m not capable of putting my own clothes on properly.”

“… Did you do any tests?” Garth asks quietly. “You know, for… anything you might have caught from the guy.”

“Dr. Gym’ll ran several tests and promised to have the results back to me by tonight,” Querl replies. He cringes at the memory of the exam the doctor was obliged to perform, and the subsequent testing that followed. “There’s a good chance that anything I might have contracted can be eradicated before it does any damage.”

“Grife.” Garth leans against the counter heavily. “I mean, it’s great that you can treat it before it gets serious, it’s just… It’s so awful that someone would do that to another person. I’m so sorry, Brainy. If I could get my hands on that guy…”

“He was just following orders,” Querl admits quietly. “No one needs to kill anyone for my sake.”

“Following orders! Brainy, he _raped_ you!”

 The distress in Garth’s voice comes as a shock to Querl. Of course, he knows that his friend feels sorry for him and maybe has difficulty understanding the situation, but he just didn’t expect Garth to be so… protective.

Querl stares at his lap and doesn’t respond. It’s true, after all; the man raped him and here he is defending him, and what for? Dram didn’t show him any courtesy. He could have at least tried to make it less painful or… or something other than “wham, bam, thank you ma’am.” Even that ever so quaint Earth phrase didn’t quite apply, though, since there had certainly been no thanking involved.

“I’m sorry,” Garth says, “I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that. It’s just… I want to kill that guy. And that’s against Legion code and everything we stand for, I know that. But how can it be okay for people like that to live in the universe, and take advantage of other people like that? Grife…”

“Legion code,” Querl repeats quietly, mostly to himself. “We don’t kill. The reason doesn’t matter.”

“Stupid rule,” Garth insists, but he doesn’t really mean it. For all of his temper and forceful attitude, Garth is really a very kind, nurturing soul. He loves three things in life above all else; gardening, Imra Ardeen, and the Legion.

Still, Querl appreciates the sentiment. He’s angry at Dram too, and unlike Garth, he has a face to remember every time he thinks about it. More than anything, he wants that face gone and burned out of his mind.

“Garth… Can you stay a while?” he asks hopefully, because he doesn’t want to be alone and he’s not sure when Lyle will come back. “I have some experiments that require more than two hands at a time and I’m short a lab partner today.”

Of course, Garth nods, but he says, “Invisible Kid’s got no business leaving you on your own like this.”

All Querl can do is shrug his shoulders. “Lyle is my friend but he doesn’t owe me anything. If he doesn’t want to be here, I suppose I will just have to accept that. Besides, I was the one who made him leave this morning. He’s probably still smarting from getting kicked out.”

It does still hurt, of course, that Lyle hasn’t been back all day, but he has to accept that it’s probably more his own fault than Lyle’s. That understanding makes a hollow feeling settle in his chest. Right now, he needs his understanding, patient friend who always makes time for him and ignores his bad moods. There’s no way he can get through this without a few more breakdowns, but he needs support. He needs Lyle.

“I sort of thought… well, everyone thought it, actually. That you two were, uh, friends with benefits.” Garth shifts uncomfortably from one foot to the other. “Not that it’s any of my business, you know. But if something happened to Imra, I’d be there for her every step of the way, even if she didn’t want me around. Because I’d know she didn’t really mean it if she told me to leave.”

Yes, Querl thinks, but that’s different because Garth is in love with Imra and always has been. But that thought makes his chest hurt suddenly. “Lyle and I… we’ve never been more than good friends. I’ve never… relationships aren’t something… I…”

He can’t form coherent sentences, because he hates every thought as soon as it comes to his head. All his private secrets seem filthy somehow.

Somehow, Garth figures out what Querl can’t admit. “You’re a virgin?”

“Was,” Querl corrects bitterly. “I _was_ a virgin.”

The statement is enough to shock Garth into silence. The crystal boy looks away and nods, almost absently, as though he doesn’t know how else to respond. Querl tries to imagine himself in Garth’s position, but realizes that he really just doesn’t care what this situation must be like for the others. He’s the one who’s hurt, the one who has to figure out how to deal with all of the consequences. Why should he be concerned with how someone else feels about it?

“Well… Anyway, the experiment I wanted help with. It’s right over here, if you’ll give me a hand.”

He hasn’t shared every fear with Garth; he still has secrets he’s not willing to tell just yet. There are things he knows he’ll have to think about before long, but for now he has them filed away for future reference. He lets Garth help him with small projects that hardly matter, simply as a distraction. But distractions can’t last for much longer.

TBC


	4. Sound the Alarm

**The Sum of Us**

 **Chapter Four: Sound the Alarm**

 _I don’t know if I can last_

 _When I couldn’t rescue you._

 _And I don’t know if my best_

 _Is enough for me anymore._

 _So I will take it as a test._

 _I will see if I console._

 _Know I’d change it if I could_

 _But something’s wrong._

 _It’s understood._

 **_-Howie Day, “Sound the Alarm”_   
**

For two days, Lyle gives Brainy her space. If Brainy doesn’t want him around, Lyle will respect that. After everything his friend has been through, Lyle figures the last thing he should do is try to force anything on Brainy, even his own company. If he’s perfectly honest, though, it’s not as hard to stay away as it should be. Going back means facing the problem that he now has on his hands.

It’s not that he finds Brainy’s new body unattractive. He’s pretty sure that Brainy would be just as tragically beautiful in any form. There are things that still haven’t changed. Brainy’s eyes are bright, green, and so full of intelligence. Her flaxen hair still curls at the ends. Her facial expressions are the same.

But things are different too, aside from the obvious. There’s something new about the way Brainy holds herself, a vulnerability that wasn’t there before, that makes Lyle uncertain around her. It feels like one wrong move on his part could hurt her irreparably. He’s already upset her and she doesn’t need someone who can’t control their own emotions around her right now.

Garth tracks him down and sets him straight on that score.

“Your best friend is falling apart and you’re, what, hanging out in the lounge? I always thought you were a good guy but you’re all the time leaving Brainy on his own to deal with shit. When his mom messed him up, you weren’t there. We told you, but you chickened out. He forgave you, everyone let it be, but now you’re letting him down again! I don’t understand you. If that was Imra, I’d never let her face it all alone. Sprock, you need to get your head out of your ass and realize that Brainy’s head over heels for you and he _needs you_ right now.”

Lyle feels ashamed, and deservedly so. It’s true; he’s building up a rather unpleasant track record. It’s like every time Brainy starts to fray at the edges, Lyle puts as much distance between them as he can. He needs to suck it up and just deal with it, for Brainy’s sake.

The lab is empty when Lyle goes looking for his partner, and Brainy’s private quarters are locked up and quiet. Lyle asks around and Apparition tells him that she thinks Brainy is in the simulation chamber.

“He said something about fresh air; seemed weird for Brainy, but he’s always kind of weird.”

Apparition doesn’t say anything about Brainy’s altered gender, and she refers to Brainy as male, just like Garth. Is Lyle the only one who can’t help but think of Brainy as a girl now? Maybe it’s weird. Everything feels weird right now. Lyle’s not dealing with it all that well, so maybe it’s just his problem.

When he steps into the simulation chamber, Lyle is greeted with Winath’s green, rolling hills. It’s a sunny day, and Lyle can hear birds chirping. He has to admit that it’s very relaxing, but it surprises him that Brainy chose this place.

As usual, Brainy somehow knows Lyle is there before Lyle even gets near her. The girl doesn’t turn to look at him, she just says, “Were you looking for me?”

She’s propped against a tree, her limbs splayed out on the grass. As Lyle comes closer, he can see dark circles under her eyes. The look in her eyes speaks of weariness.

“Apparition said you were here.” Lyle sits down beside her and stares up at the sky instead of staring at her. “Winath, huh? I didn’t expect you to spend time in a place like this.”

“Garth suggested it,” Brainy admits with a shrug. “It’s peaceful enough, but I’m not terribly fond of it. On the planet itself, I’d like to explore, for research purposes, but there’s nothing here that I would want to do.”

“It would be a nice place for meditation,” Lyle says.

Brainy snorts derisively. “You sound like Element Lad.”

That would be funny if Element Lad were still around. Lyle might have made a joke about tea in that case. But it feels wrong to joke about a fallen comrade.

“Garth told me to get my head out of my ass,” he says, watching Brainy out of the corner of his eye. “I thought you didn’t want me around.”

“I never said that,” Brainy replies very carefully. “You surmised that. All I said was that I wanted you to leave, _at the time_. To be fair, telling you to leave seldom actually works.”

Well, Brainy would know, Lyle has to admit. Even though they’re friends, and closer to one another than to anyone else, Brainy at least tries to kick Lyle out of his lab every other week. The Coluan is used to working alone, and being a member of a team has never really worked for him.

“I thought I should give you some space,” Lyle says quietly, feeling guilty. He has only seen Brainy this vulnerable a few times in the years they’ve worked together. It’s disconcerting. “I’m sorry. I just really don’t have any idea how to fix this for you. I want to make it better, you know I do. But I feel useless.”

Brainy nods and her arms encircle her waist protectively. By the look on her face, Lyle can tell she’s uncomfortable with the conversation. “Garth has been with me for the last few days. To be honest…he’s been far more help than I could have anticipated. I missed you, though. I know you’ve never really understood me, but you put up with me. That’s…important to me.”

“Put up with you?” Lyle echoes, bewildered. “Is that what you think I do? That’s not… Brainy, I’ve been in awe of you for years.”

“Don’t coddle me.” Brainy draws her knees to her chest, turning herself into a defensive ball. “I know it’s what everyone does. People have said as much to my face. Over time, I feel like I’ve become an actual part of this team. It took me a long time. I’m sure most people still can’t stand me, but I’ve developed an attachment to all of you. I’ve had a purpose in life that I never had before; a reason for existing. Right now, I’m scared that I can’t keep up. In the last few days, I’ve experienced some troubling symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome. I’ve been putting off going to speak with Dr. Ryk’rr because I know she’s going to tell me I’m not fit for duty. She’ll recommend indefinite leave, relocation to Earth for the time being… I don’t want to leave.”

She presses her forehead against her knees and sighs, as though she already regrets every word she has spoken.

“You won’t have to leave,” Lyle murmurs. He wishes he could touch her and comfort her, but he doesn’t want to trigger anything again. He keeps his hands to himself. “I’ll make sure of that. Or if Dr. Ryk’rr insists that you take some time off, I will… I’ll take some time off too and you can stay with me. No one wants you to deal with this alone. I’ll make sure you get through this.”

“Oh, Lyle.” He sees her body shudder. “It’s going to be more complicated than that.”

“Brainy?” Lyle wants to see her face but she keeps it hidden. “Can you tell me what that means?”

Brainy looks up again, but she doesn’t look at Lyle. She stares out blankly at nothing. For a long moment, she doesn’t speak. Finally, she says, “I’m still considering all of the various possibilities. You will probably be the first person I talk to about it when I reach any sort of conclusion. However, it will be a few more weeks before I have the data I need. In the meantime, I would really like to know about the efforts to apprehend those pirates.”

“We’re tracking them,” Lyle says, “but they have a head start. Cosmic Boy has a team working on it. I’ve been involved but I decided not to join the away team. I thought… I figured there were probably things here on Legion World that needed my attention.”

His friend relaxes a little and uncurls her body. Her uniform, Lyle notices, fits her better now and her chest is no longer flat. Her hair is also no longer gelled, and curls around her face. What did Garth say to her, he wonders, that convinced her to stop trying to hide her body?

“Lyle… I have a question. It’s not really a proposal of any sort, of course. Let’s think of it as a theoretical exercise. When my former body is restored, would you be interested in pursuing a relationship with me?”

The question catches him off guard. It’s really not like Brainy to talk about things like relationships, and it’s even weirder that Brainy seems to be _asking him out_. He’s not sure how to respond, because he doesn’t want to say the wrong thing and upset her. How is he supposed to respond?

Apparently, he has waited too long. Brainy sighs and shakes her head. “Never mind; forget I said anything.”

“No!” Lyle objects sharply. “I mean, I… don’t want to forget it. You asked me a question, okay, and you deserve an answer. It’s just a weirdly worded question. The truth is that I care about you a lot. I think… No, I _know_ I love you like family. But it’s more than that. I didn’t want to act on it before because I wasn’t sure you were ready. I thought it would be better to let you build up to it.”

Brainy turns to look at him, her eyes wide. “Are you saying…?”

“Querl Dox, I think I’ve been in love with you since the day I met you,” Lyle admits, finally reaching out to touch her face. “You’re beautiful; you’ve always been beautiful to me. Don’t get me wrong; this situation is weird. It’s going to take some getting used to. Girls aren’t… you know, my _thing_. I’ve never met a girl who I thought was as attractive as you. All I can guess is that… well, when you love someone, gender doesn’t matter. I’d want to be with you no matter what.”

A tear rolls down Brainy’s face. Lyle gently wipes it away and shushes her.

“Don’t cry, Brainy,” he murmurs, puzzled by her response. “Hey, no, it’s okay. Don’t cry.”

“Sorry.” Brainy sounds choked. “I just… I thought there was no chance. I was sure you wouldn’t want to be with me like _this_. Lyle, since that mission, every morning I wake up and for a minute I forget what happened. Then it all comes rushing back to me, and the worst part is that I always think, ‘He’ll never want me now.’ It’s not just the body; it’s…the other stuff too. It’s so many things.”

Lyle can’t help himself. He throws his arms around Brainy and he hugs her tight. His own eyes sting with tears. “No, Brainy, don’t ever think that. I don’t care what those pirates did to you. It doesn’t matter. No one could make me stop loving you. There’s nothing wrong with you, alright? You’re perfect, and you’ve always been so much more than good enough. You’re amazing.”

She muffles a whimper against his shoulder and clings to him. There’s more that she’s not telling him; Lyle can feel it in the way she holds her body against him, still tense and uncertain. If this is all he can do for her now, he’ll hold her as long as she needs to be held. And when she wants to talk, Lyle will be right here for her to talk to.

\--

It’s another month before the pirates are apprehended. Lyle has tried to keep Brainy in good spirits during that time. Despite his confession in the simulation chamber, he and Brainy haven’t moved very far in their relationship. Occasionally, they hold hands or Lyle kisses Brainy’s cheek. Rarely, Brainy needs someone to comfort her and Lyle spends the day just holding her and letting her hide from the universe for a while.

It took some persuading, but he convinced her to go to Dr. Ryk’rr. He thinks that Brainy’s regular talks with the psychologist are helping a little, but there’s something Brainy is still keeping from him and the last few days, he can tell that she is more agitated than normal. She keeps whatever it is bottled up inside, and becomes defensive if Lyle questions her too closely. By now, he has simply stopped asking.

Cosmic Boy calls in to tell him that the pirates have all been taken into custody, including the sorceress Zanda. Lyle can’t help the overwhelming sense of relief that he feels. This news will make Brainy feel safer, at least. Maybe now Brainy will be able to move past what happened and start to heal. Maybe they can convince Zanda to change Brainy back.

But when Lyle tracks Brainy down to tell her the good news, he finds the Coluan in her private quarters, sitting on her bed and staring numbly at her Omnicom. The look on her face worries Lyle, so he approaches her with caution.

“Brainy? I just talked to Cos. He says that they’ve apprehended the pirates. They have the sorceress. We can get you changed back.”

The Omnicom slips from Brainy’s hands and hits the floor. She doesn’t move to pick it up again. Instead, she presses one hand to her mouth to cover up a keening wail that escapes her. Her other hand is pressed against her middle.

Lyle is at her side in an instant, reaching out to her, but she flinches away. She curls in on herself, shaking her head as sobs escape her. She’s distraught and Lyle doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know why she’s upset or how to fix it.

“What’s wrong? Brainy, come on. Talk to me.”

The Coluan takes a deep, shuddering breath as she tries to calm herself down. “I… I had hoped it wasn’t true. There was always a chance it didn’t… didn’t take. Oh, sprock…” Her voice breaks as she speaks and tears are running down her face.

“Please, tell me what you’re talking about.” Lyle is desperate. He can’t bear to see Brainy like this. It’s not right. “What is it?”

“I…” Brainy gestures to her Omnicom helplessly. “I went to Dr. Gym’ll a few days ago and… had him run the tests. He just sent me the results.”

She looks away, sniffling and trying to get her tears under control. “Lyle, I’m pregnant.”

“…What?” Lyle feels like someone just punched him in the gut. His air is gone for a moment and he has to focus on breathing again. He must have heard Brainy wrong, because that can’t be right. Brainy can’t be _pregnant._

Brainy shakes her head, her lips pursed into a thin line. It’s taking everything she has to even talk to Lyle about this, he can tell. Just looking at her face, he realizes that it has to be true. She wouldn’t’ lie about this, and she wouldn’t admit it unless she was absolutely certain.

“Okay.” Lyle takes a deep, calming breath. “Okay, it’s alright. This isn’t the end of the world. Brainy, look at me.”

Slowly, she turns her gaze back to him, but she won’t meet his eyes. This must be the scariest thing she’s ever been up against. Lyle wants to take that fear away, make her happy and whole again, but he can’t fix this for her.

“You have options,” he says gently. Brainy flinches back from him. “No, Brainy, listen to me. No one would judge you if you didn’t want to have this kid. After what happened, you shouldn’t have to deal with a baby.”

He’s trying to give her a way out but Brainy starts to shake her head fiercely. “No, no, I can’t do that,” she babbles, wrapping her arms around herself. “Legionnaires don’t kill. We don’t kill people, Lyle. I’m a Legionnaire; I can’t just ignore the rules for my own comfort. I can’t kill a baby, Lyle. Grife, I can’t… I can’t kill a baby.”

Lyle can do nothing but watch as Brainy finally breaks down in heartrending sobs. The source of all this strife is wrapped protectively inside Brainy’s arms, nestled safe inside her body and ignorant of its own hand in all of this. He has never felt animosity towards a child before; he’s even wondered at how a person could hate a kid, has never understood how anyone could blame a child for things out of their control. But now, he can’t help thinking of this child as some extension of Brainy’s rapist, a little tendril of that man curled up inside her and threatening to pull her apart.

Whatever Lyle feels towards the baby, Brainy clearly doesn’t hate it. She can’t bear the thought of killing it, even though it shouldn’t have to be her problem. It doesn’t come as a surprise. Despite what others might think of Brainy, she’s always had a moral code. She respects life, in all its forms, almost to a fault.

He lets her cry it out, hoping that she knows that he’s there for her. Everything’s weird, messed up, but Lyle won’t let his best friend down when she needs him the most. No, he’ll tough it out and he’ll be right here beside her when she finally asks him for help.

“There’s adoption,” he proposes eventually, after Brainy’s sobs have faded to sniffles. “I’ll bet Mr. Brande could find it a good home.”

Brainy shrugs her shoulders weakly. “No, I don’t think so.”

“So, what are you going to do?” Lyle asks as gently as he can.

“Just… raise it myself, I guess.” Brainy sighs and shakes her head. “I know what it feels like to be abandoned. I can’t do that to my own child.”

It’s a vicious reminder that Brainy has been hurt before. Abandoned at birth, raised like a lab rat, then thrust into a new and terrifying world of heroism and battle – and then the trauma that came with being a Legionnaire; on top of all that, the recent events must have Brainy right on the edge of toppling over. Lyle’s just not sure if he should be there holding her back, or standing at the bottom to catch her when she falls.

People are going to ask questions. Once Brainy starts to show, their teammates are going to wonder how it came about. Brainy doesn’t want everyone to know about the rape, even if she can’t hide her body’s transformation. But people are going to start coming up with theories if Brainy doesn’t have an answer for them.

And then it occurs to Lyle how he can help. It’s so simple, really, that he almost laughs. People probably already think he and Brainy are together, with how much time they spend at each others’ sides. The best lies are built on truth.

“I’ll help,” he says firmly. “If you’re going to take care of this kid, let me help you. More than that… I know you don’t want people to know what happened. So we’ll tell them it’s mine; the baby, I mean. Are you okay with that?”

The Coluan looks up at him with wide eyes. “…Lyle? You’d do that?”

“Well, yeah.” Lyle scratches the back of his neck sheepishly. “I mean… it’s your baby. Regardless of how it happened, I… I know it’s got to be an amazing kid. And it deserves a family, right? You and I, we can make a family for it. Why not? We’re geniuses; it can’t be too difficult for us to raise a baby.”

He is probably going to live to regret those words. Whatever; come what may and let it all wash over them, but Lyle will keep them both afloat and get them back to solid ground, if it’s the last thing he ever does.

The look on Brainy’s face is like nothing Lyle has ever seen before. There is relief, mixed with more than a little worry and bewilderment, like she just can’t figure out why he’s doing this for her. Lyle can’t figure out why he hasn’t done anything like this sooner. What has he been waiting for?

“I don’t know what to say,” Brainy says softly. “That’s… that’s very generous of you, but you don’t have to do that just for my sake. A child is a lot of responsibility and you shouldn’t have to worry about something like that.”

“Neither should you!” Lyle reaches out and grabs Brainy’s hands, holding them tight. “Come on, you don’t deserve this either. At least let me help you. I’m not doing it because I feel sorry for you or something.”

Brainy looks back at him solemnly and asks, “Then why are you doing it?”

At first, Lyle is taken aback and he doesn’t know what to say. Why is he doing this? He’s doing it for her, of course, because everything has always been for her. It’s not because he feels sorry for her and thinks she needs someone. It’s because he fell in love with Querl Dox years ago and that’s never going to change, no matter what. How can he explain that in a way that Brainy will believe?

“Because of this,” he whispers, and he leans forward slowly, giving his friend plenty of time to move away. Their lips connect for mere moments; a soft, chaste kiss.

When he draws back and looks Brainy in the eyes, the girl seems like she finally understands. She grips his hands in return.

“Lyle, there are some things you should know,” she says. “About having a relationship with me, I mean. I can’t… I’m not sure that I’m okay with being intimate. What I mean to say is that coitus just isn’t something I’m interested in having with _anyone_ , at least not in this body. You… You understand, right?”

“I’m not going to pressure you into anything you’re not ready for,” Lyle swears, slightly taken aback that she would even think that about him. “Look, eventually, I want to be with you. But not until you’re ready, okay? We can just stay friends as long as you need. Call it… Call it a promise. One day I’m going to sweep you off your feet. Until then, I’ll just be around if you need me.”

It’s worth it to see the smile that finally lights up Brainy’s face. Whatever form she takes, Brainy always looks shyly beautiful when she actually smiles. It doesn’t happen often, and when it does, there’s always a damn good reason for it. Lyle knows better than to question it.

TBC


	5. Spin Madly On

**The Sum of Us**

 **Chapter Five: Spin Madly On  
**

 _Woke up and wished that I was dead_

 _With an aching in my head_

 _I lay motionless in bed_

 _The night is here, the day is gone_

 _And the world spins madly on_

 **_-The Weepies, “World Spins Madly On”_ **

Garth said to embrace this new body. Querl thinks that Garth probably knows a little of what he’s talking about, given the other boy’s own predicament, but it’s also easier said than done. After all, isn’t Garth still struggling with his own transformation? To Querl’s knowledge, Garth’s relationship with Imra is still on the rocks. He’d never question Garth about that; it would hurt Garth’s feelings, and the Winathian boy has been so kind to him lately.

He had hoped, perhaps foolishly, that he wasn’t pregnant. Now that he knows the truth, it festers inside of him and makes him hate his body even more than he did before. He tries not to think of the baby as a parasite in his belly, trapping him in this form, but in the back of his mind, that’s what it is.

Only Lyle and Dr. Gym’ll know about the baby. Querl is putting off telling anyone else even though Lyle plans on telling everyone that the baby is his. It’s still embarrassing. He just doesn’t want anyone to mock him any more than they already do.

When he goes to the cafeteria, he can see them all watching him, so he tries to hold himself with dignity, to show that he’s not ashamed. They can stare if they want to.

Someone whistles as he walks by a table. He whirls around in surprise and catches Star Boy grinning cheekily at him. Sitting at the table with him, Dreamer refuses to make eye contact with Querl, as though she is embarrassed by her boyfriend.

“Grife, Brainy, never knew you could fill out a uniform like that!” Thom says, looking Querl up and down appreciatively.

“Thom…” Nura murmurs disapprovingly.

Querl takes a deep breath to calm his anger. Sure, Thom is being an absolute creep, but he doesn’t know what happened to Querl. If he knew, Querl is certain that he wouldn’t say a word about it. Querl just shakes his head and turns to go.

“Frigid,” Star Boy complains. “Come on, B5, be a little more sociable, will you? You’ll never get a boyfriend with that attitude.”

“What did you just say to me?” Querl turns back slowly, shocked by Thom’s words. The boy from Xanthu has never really struck Querl as being rude or tactless, so his words were unexpected.

Nura smacks Thom’s arm and scowls at him. “What did I say? You’ve had too much to drink, you idiot. Apologize to her.”

“ _Her_?!” Querl’s eyes widen. “I’m not a girl, Dreamer!”

Dreamer looks caught and she tries to smile sheepishly. “No, of course not, Brainy. Never mind us. Star Boy’s had too much to drink. You, um, you look well. I heard they caught those pirates.”

This is a lost cause. Querl throws his hands up in the air and turns to walk away, but Nura speaks again and what she says stops him in his tracks.

“By the way, Brainiac… Congratulations.”

He turns back to her abruptly. “How do you know?” he demands harshly, every muscle in his body tense. “Did someone tell you?!”

“No!” Dreamer shrinks back from him, intimidated. “No, Brainy, calm down. I saw it, that’s all. You’re going to be happy, okay? At least, you could be, if that’s the future that takes place.”

“Oh.” Querl deflates and looks away from her, biting his lower lip. “… It would be best if you kept that information to yourself for now."

“Absolutely,” Dreamer agrees. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

Querl nods and then leaves as quickly as he can, feeling disconcerted and vulnerable. He hears a few people snickering and talking to each other in hushed tones – about him, he’s sure. It hurts that they’re all staring at him, laughing at him, like this is some kind of joke. They have no idea.

Because he’s staring at his feet, trying to avoid seeing his teammates all staring and talking about him, he is surprised when he collides with another body.

It’s even more surprising when he realizes that he has to look up to see that it is Ayla he has run into.

“Hey, Brainy.” Ayla smiles kindly, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Didn’t expect to _run into_ you here.”

Just behind her, Vi peers at Brainy with a nervous but curious expression. “Hi, Brainy. Are you feeling better?”

Querl looks at both of them for a few moments, his lips pursed into a thin line, then nods to them sharply and tries to duck around them. Ayla, he can already tell, feels sorry for him. She’s figured out what happened to him. She’s probably told Salu too, considering how close the two of them are.

“Brainy, wait.” Ayla grabs Querl’s arm to stop him, and Querl bites his lip to keep from making a noise. He freezes in place and just waits tensely for Ayla to explain. Finally, the girl says, “Vi and I were wondering if you’d like to come and hang out with us for a while.”

“Why?” Querl asks her harshly. “Because I’m a girl?”

“You know better than that,” Ayla says, regarding him with a disappointed expression. “Come on. We’re your friends and we just want to be there for you.”

“Oh.” Querl looks away from Ayla, embarrassed. “I… I appreciate that, Ayla, but I’m not feeling very social right now.”

Ayla moves closer and slips an arm around his waist. “Hey, I know all these idiots are staring at you and laughing, like they think it’s funny or something that this happened to you. I know it pisses you off. I also know that you appreciate having someone to talk to. Come with us and we’ll cheer you up.”

Salu follows Ayla’s lead and grasps Querl’s hand in her own. “It’s okay, Brainy. We’re just going to sit around in Ayla’s quarters and talk.”

Feeling ganged up on, Querl hunches his shoulders and glares at them both. “… I’m only doing this because you’re making a scene in public.”

“Of course,” Ayla says with a grin. “We understand.”

As it turns out, hanging out with Ayla and Vi is not nearly as awful as Querl thought it would be. The two girls giggle excessively, yes, but they’re very sympathetic and kind. Ayla has been a confidant for Querl before but it has been a while since they spent any time with each other. Salu seems to relate to Querl’s newfound self-consciousness.

“See, here’s what I’ve been telling Vi,” says Ayla as she slathers lotions on her legs. She’s dressed down to a tank top and shorts, while Salu is wearing flannel pajamas and Querl is still dressed in his uniform. “You have to be proud of your body. It’s like your temple. No matter what anyone else says about it, you have to have confidence in yourself.”

Querl looks away from her and shrugs his shoulders. He’s mildly uncomfortable with being around Ayla when she’s in such a state of undress, because at one point he actually thought of Ayla as being a very attractive girl and might have even had a slight crush on her. Maybe Ayla doesn’t see anything wrong with revealing her long, perfect legs to Querl, but Querl is actually grateful for the first time that he’s not male at the moment, or he would have a hard time hiding his reaction.

“I’m proud of who I am,” he says quietly, trying not to stare at Ayla’s legs. “My body is… unimportant. My mind is what makes me who I am.”

“Your body is important, Brainy!” Ayla insists, poking him in the arm. “Besides, look at you! You are so hot right now!”

Rolling his eyes, Querl replies, “I hardly think that’s an important factor, Ayla.”

“It totally is! All those people who were staring at you and making fun of you? You have the power to make them all eat their words. Let me and Vi pick out some clothes for you – just this once – and we’ll dress you up and do your hair and everything. And then the three of us will take a trip to Earth and eat out somewhere nice. It’ll be good for you!”

“I don’t think so.” Querl glances at the door, wondering if he can escape. He’s mildly horrified by the idea of Ayla and Salu dressing him up like a girl, but they’re being nice to him and he doesn’t want to hurt their feelings. “I should be getting back to my lab; I have a volatile experiment going right now that needs to be closely monitored.”

Ayla gets up in his face and grabs his hand, gripping it tightly. “Listen, Brainy, I… I know what happened. I mean, I don’t know details, but it was… kind of obvious. I think it’s awful that everyone is being so rude to you right now, after what you went through. So let us do this for you. Think about it – all those people who were laughing at you, they’ll have to pick their jaws up off the floor after they see what we’ve done with you. You are absolutely _gorgeous._ ”

Querl can tell that she actually means it. She really does think he’s beautiful in this body. Garth said the same thing. It actually does make him feel a little better. He hasn’t been thinking about his new body as attractive, especially since he’s been so worried about how it’s going to impact his relationship with Lyle. The knowledge that his new body is a particularly nice one is sort of reassuring.

“… What sort of clothing did you have in mind?” he asks suspiciously.

He regrets giving in to them when Ayla and Salu present him with what they think is an acceptable outfit. It’s a jeans skirt and a purple halter top, with a black belt and a pair of glittery, gold-colored slippers courtesy of Salu (Ayla’s feet are much bigger than Querl’s now). They’ve even added lacey black underwear, probably guessing that Querl doesn’t have any bras or female undergarments of any sort.

“Just try it on,” Ayla begs him. “Trust me, alright? If Lyle sees you in this, he will absolutely flip.”

“Don’t you have any… more?” Querl asks, uncomfortable with how much of his body these clothes are going to reveal. He sighs when Ayla sticks out her lower lip in a pout. “… I’ll try it on, but I’m not promising to go out in public like this.”

It turns out that bras are tricky to put on and uncomfortable, to boot. However, the bra supports his new breasts nicely. The purple top doesn’t cover up the black straps of the bra, though – Querl wonders if that matters as he pulls on the miniskirt. He has to admit, the outfit is fairly simple and straightforward, at least.

Ayla squeals in delight when Querl comes back from the bathroom dressed in the clothes. “Brainy, you look fantastic!”

“You really do look good,” Salu agrees with a smile. “I think I have a necklace that will match.”

“The shoes are uncomfortable,” Querl complains. “And the skirt is… drafty.”

“You’re such a guy,” Ayla laughs, shaking her head. “Here, let me do your hair and put on some makeup for you.”

When the girls are done with him, Querl hardly recognizes his reflection in the mirror. The girl that looks back at him is one he’d actually find attractive under normal circumstances. Ayla has teased his hair with gel and hairspray to “give it more volume,” as she said, and added some eye shadow and mascara to “make his eyes pop.” The outfit leaves nothing to the imagination. Querl feels… like the cover of one of those magazines the other boys in the Legion have subscriptions to.

Ayla kisses his cheek. “Don’t worry. We’re going to have fun. You look great.”

“I suppose,” Querl mumbles reluctantly, flopping down in a chair gracelessly.

“Knees together,” Salu speaks up, her cheeks red.

“Oh.” Querl quickly presses his legs together, embarrassed. “Sorry, I didn’t think about it.”

“Don’t worry about it, I don’t mind,” Salu tells him gently. “There are some things you have to get used to as a girl.”

“Right.” How do girls do this all of the time? More importantly, why? Querl can admit that he’s been guilty of objectifying women in the past, but actually being a girl brings with it a whole new perspective. He feels like a slab of dressed up meat waiting for some slavering male to rip him to shreds. “I’m not sure how I feel about people seeing me in this outfit. I don’t think it will help.”

“Why? Because you’re a boy?” Ayla puts her hands on her hips. “You have to prove to them that it doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl. That means you can’t hide your body away from them and expect to get any respect from people. When they see you trying to pretend that nothing happened, they sense weakness. You’re not weak, are you?”

“No,” Querl says, “but I _am_ a boy. This is just temporary.”

“Are you willing to let them all fuck with you until you’re a boy again?” Ayla asks.

“… No,” Querl admits softly.

He supposes that he’s willing to at least try Ayla’s suggestion, even though he doesn’t really think it will work. The girl means well, even if she’s a little off base. In the back of his mind, he has a feeling that going along with this is a bad idea.

But he has never really been included in anything like this. Sure, people have offered, but no one has ever insisted and really made him feel like they wanted him there. It’s tempting to just pretend he’s one of them for a while, see what all the fuss is about. Soon enough, he’s not going to be a child anymore and this sort of thing will be completely out of his reach. He’ll have a child to think about.

“Okay,” he says, suddenly very certain of what he wants. He nods his head. “Okay, I’ll go out with you. It’s probably a dumb idea, I probably won’t enjoy it, but please feel free to try and prove me wrong.”

Ayla pumps her fist in the air victoriously. “Finally! We are going to party tonight, Brainy!”

\--

When they enter the nightclub Ayla has picked out, Querl is terribly self-conscious. The place is packed with people, and they’re barely in the door before men are calling out to them, whistling in appreciation. Yes, this was definitely a bad idea. Querl doesn’t want all these people looking at him, drooling over him.

Ayla, on the other hand, seems to shine even brighter than usual amidst all the commotion. She pulls Salu along behind her determinedly, though Salu doesn’t look thrilled to be here either. Salu has always been shy, truly a shrinking violet. These days, though, she seems more confident in herself. Maybe it has something to do with Ayla.

It becomes obvious that Ayla and Salu frequent this place because the bartender recognizes them and calls them by name. “The usual?” the man asks.

“Yeah, and a Shirley Temple for our friend,” says Ayla.

“Oh, no alcohol for me,” Querl says abruptly, remembering that he can’t drink right now. Ayla doesn’t know and Querl’s not planning on telling her, but that doesn’t mean he’ll do anything to endanger the baby.

Ayla laughs and pats his shoulder. “Aren’t you supposed to be a genius?” she asks. It’s kind of hard to hear her over all the noise. “A Shirley Temple is virgin.”

It’s a poor choice of words and Querl’s face falls. He looks away from her, trying to regain his composure. “I’m not thirsty, thanks.”

“Brainy…” Salu reaches out to him, lightly touching his hand. “I know being somewhere like this is weird for you. I really had trouble with it the first few times I went too. But we want you to have fun. Tell me if you get too uncomfortable, okay? Ayla and I will make sure you have a good time.”

“Relax, don’t get worked up,” Ayla says, handing over the “Shirley Temple” to Querl. “We’re going to find a quiet table and just talk – maybe do some dancing later.”

There’s no such thing as a quiet table in this particular establishment, but they do find a relatively secluded booth, where they sit with their drinks and mostly just watch the rest of the club. Querl regards his own drink nervously.

“Are you sure it doesn’t have any alcohol in it?” he asks Ayla.

“Positive,” Ayla says firmly. “Why are you so worried about alcohol, Brainy? I know you don’t really like the stuff but you’re kind of freaking out.”

“No reason,” Querl replies and takes a sip from his drink. It’s… fruity. Not too terrible. He doesn’t detect any alcohol in it, thankfully. “You come here often.”

“Well, yeah.” Ayla grins and shrugs her shoulders. “When I need to unwind, this is where I come. Vi comes with me sometimes. I like the noise, the people, the alcohol – and I love to dance.”

This is a side of Ayla that Querl doesn’t really know. The truth is that they haven’t been as close in recent years as they once were. Querl remembers Ayla better as a kid who was still learning to like herself and trying not to hate her brother’s girlfriend. But this Ayla is different, more confident and with a wild streak that Querl can sense is more than a little dangerous.

He wonders what makes people change like that. As for himself, he’s not sure he’s changed all that much. Maybe he can hold a conversation with others now, and maybe he has a few friends, but he still feels isolated and cut off from all of the people he wishes he works with. That’s just it; his job is all that he has. There, at least, he has a purpose. He’s afraid of losing that.

Even though he has been talking to Dr. Ryk’rr, he hasn’t told her that he’s pregnant. If she knew, he worries that she would make him take sick leave. The Legion is the only thing Querl has right now to keep him from losing it. If he doesn’t have the Legion, he isn’t sure he’ll be able to deal with all of the crazy things in his head right now.

Salu excuses herself to go to the restroom and Querl is left alone with Ayla. Ayla watches her friend leave intently and when Salu is out of earshot, she leans across the table to look Querl in the eyes. “Do you think she’d say yes if I asked her to be my girlfriend?”

“… I’m sorry, what?” Querl blinks and then frowns. “Who, Violet?”

“Well, duh!” Ayla leans back in her seat with a sigh. “We’ve been close, you know? But it’s hard to tell. She’s shy and maybe she just thinks we’re friends. I mean, we are just friends right now. But it’s more than that to me. She’s… She’s an amazing person, Querl, and I love being with her. But I don’t even know if she swings that way. Grife, sometimes I think I should just leave it alone. I’m probably no good for her anyway.”

Querl takes a few moments to absorb this information. Actually, he hadn’t even realized that Ayla “swung that way.” He supposes it isn’t something people really share, and they were probably even less likely to share it with _him_. He takes another drink.

“Tell her how you feel,” he says finally. He threads his fingers together and twiddles his thumbs nervously. “If that’s how you feel, you should tell her. Maybe she doesn’t feel the same way. But she’s shy and she isn’t going to be the one to initiate things. You should take a chance.”

For a moment, Ayla just stares at him, like she didn’t expect him to say something like that. Then, abruptly, she leans across the table again and her lips press against his.

He’s so shocked that he doesn’t move, just sits there with wide eyes, and waits for Ayla to move back. She does, finally. Querl clears his throat and looks away.

“I… That’s not what I meant,” he says. “Really, Spark, you’re… You’re a good friend, an attractive friend – I mean, no, that’s not what I meant to say, I… Grife…”

He looks away from her, embarrassed and uncomfortable. Ayla laughs softly.

“Relax, Brainy,” she tells him. “I shouldn’t have done that. You were just so sweet when you said that I should tell Vi how I feel. If you were a girl, I’d have a hard time keeping myself from falling for you. Invisible Kid is a lucky guy.”

Querl breathes a sigh of relief. “Well, I don’t know about that. I think I’m the lucky one in regards to Invisible Kid.”

“He’s a great guy, isn’t he?” Ayla says with a smile. “I remember when I thought he was my secret admirer, and it turned out to be Cham. And then I think I realized it didn’t matter which of them it was, because neither of them had breasts.”

She laughs again and Querl can’t hide a grin. Really, Ayla has grown up too, just like her twin brother.

“Yeah, he’s pretty great,” he agrees with her. “Sometimes he… doesn’t quite know how to deal with me, but I think everyone feels that way about me sometimes.” He stares at his drink for a long moment before murmuring, “The other night, he said he loved me.”

“Really?” Ayla asks, sounding a little surprised. “… How do you feel about that?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Querl shrugs his shoulders. “I mean, it’s strange to hear someone say that. I think he’s the first person who’s ever said it to me. I’m pretty sure I love him too. Saying that to him is another matter entirely.”

Ayla looks sad; Querl hates seeing that look on everyone’s faces these days. “Oh, Brainy. You have lots of people who love you. I love you. You’re like a part of my family.”

“… It usually doesn’t feel like that,” Querl admits. His throat feels a little tight, so he swallows. “I, uh… I know people have never really liked me. Before the Legion, I never had any friends. Well, there was Rond… He was more of an acquaintance. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t… I don’t know how to… relate.”

“Brainy, I _know_.” Ayla smiles again and reaches across the table to take one of his hands in her own. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

He feels like crying. How can she be so nice to him? He’s always been a jerk and he never really tried to make himself part of the group, so why does she even care?

“Ayla…” It’s even harder now to keep from crying. “I… After what happened – on that ship – before I went into complete shock, I guess… I just thought about how if I died, no one would know… You know, that I really do care. You’re my friend. I care about you.”

“I knew that too.” Ayla squeezes his hand. “Look, I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through. You’re really strong, is all I can say. If that happened to me, I don’t know what I’d do. But I think it’s got you scared. Don’t be scared, okay? You have people who love you. You have a family in the Legion. Don’t let that man ruin the whole universe for you.”

Querl shivers, remembering Dram and the shocking pain of being penetrated. “That’s easier said than done,” he says with a bitter laugh. “I mean… Logically, I know it wouldn’t be the same if I had sex with Lyle. And yet, I can’t help wanting to throw up if I even think about it. What that man did to me, I… I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.”

She pities him; he can see it in her eyes. But what happened to him probably deserves pity. He wasn’t strong enough to stop it. Even his prized, super-genius brain was not useful enough to get him out of that situation. In short, he allowed himself to become a victim and then had to rely on his teammate to rescue him. He has no business being angry with Ayla for pitying him. She has every right to be looking down her nose at him now but she’s being kind.

“Sex is… It can be fun,” Ayla says awkwardly. “It doesn’t have to be like what happened to you. That was rape; it wasn’t about sex. It wasn’t about pleasure. You know that, don’t you?”

He frowns and looks away from her. “Sex is for the purpose of reproduction; the passing on of one’s genetic code. To that end, I’m confident that what happened to me qualifies as sex.”

“What the sprock does that mean?” she asks him, baffled.

“I’m pregnant,” he replies bitterly. “You might as well know now. Before long, I won’t be able to hide it.”

For just a minute, her face mirrors the expression that Lyle wore when Querl told him about the pregnancy. “I’m so sorry, Brainy.”

“Dreamer congratulated me.” Querl laughs, but it’s an ugly sound. “Can you imagine me with a child? And I…I don’t even know the father, or what his medical history is, or what planet he originally comes from. How am I supposed to take care of the baby when I don’t even know what it is?”

Ayla is silent for a long moment before she responds. “They have him in custody, don’t they? You can find out all of that information. If you’re going through with this pregnancy, I have every confidence in you. You are the smartest man in the universe.”

“Didn’t keep that man from raping me,” Querl mutters. He shakes his head, trying to rid it of such thoughts. “I’m sorry, Ayla, I shouldn’t be making you deal with this too. I just wanted you to know; about the baby. There aren’t that many people I trust, but you’ve always been a good friend. But I don’t want you to tell anyone about this, and when I start to show… Lyle and I have decided to tell everyone that it’s his. I’d appreciate if you’d go along with that.”

“Of course,” she agrees. “Your secret is safe with me.”

Salu returns to the table shortly, and talk about the rape and the consequential child is dropped entirely. Instead, Querl tries to enjoy himself. To his surprise, the evening is quite fun once he gives in and lets himself relax. Ayla and Salu are jovial and they do their best to raise Querl’s spirits. Ayla, especially, keeps an eye on Querl and doesn’t even try to talk him into dancing, though she and Salu do leave Querl on his own for a short time when the DJ plays their favorite song.

The end result is that Querl feels a little closer to two Legionnaires he hadn’t thought he’d be willing to share secrets with before. But Ayla and Salu know too what it’s like to be different and to struggle with that. They’ve been kind to him in the past, probably for the same reasons. He didn’t pay much attention to them before. Maybe he should have.

But then again, it’s easier to see what he should have done in hindsight than it is to think about how he should do things in the future.

TBC


	6. Collide

**The Sum of Us**

**Chapter Six: Collide  
**

_The dawn is breaking_

_A light is shining through_

_You’re barely waking_

_And I’m tangled up in you_

**_-Howie Day, “Collide”_ **

Back on Legion World that night, Querl parts ways with Ayla and Salu, humming to himself as he makes his way to his lab to do a quick scan of his experiments before he turns in for the night. He hardly even notices the silly clothes he’s still wearing. After an evening spent with good friends, he just feels so much better than he did before. He could sing out loud if he could only remember the words to the stupid song that’s stuck in his head.

He lets himself into his lab absently, still humming, and doesn’t notice until a moment later that he’s not alone. Invisible Kid, who has apparently been working on the main computer, turns in his chair to greet him but the words die on the other boy’s lips when he takes in Querl’s appearance.

“What the _hell_ are you wearing?” Lyle demands, his voice raising an octave higher than it should. “Is that a _mini skirt_?”

Querl freezes in place, wondering if he can possibly escape to his rooms or if Invisible Kid would catch him if he tried to run. “Err, well… Spark and Leviathan invited me out to… dinner.” That was innocent enough, wasn’t it? “Vi lent me some of her clothes.”

“Why didn’t you just wear your uniform?” Lyle asks suspiciously, his arms folded across his chest. “And do you have any idea what time it is? You went out partying with them, didn’t you?”

Feeling a little defensive, Querl just shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t see how it’s any of your business, but yes. I went out to a club with them. We had a good time.”

“You went to a club dressed like that?!” Lyle looks like he’s about to blow a gasket. “Are you kidding me?! Brainy! That’s insane!”

“Why? Why is it insane that I went out in public with friends wearing appropriate dress?” Querl can’t wrap his head around Lyle’s anger. What reason could Lyle possibly have for not wanting him to go out dressed as a girl? “You were the one who said I was ignoring the way my body has changed. I decided to embrace it. It turns out that it’s not as bad as I thought to be female. If I’m not worried about it, why in the universe are _you_?”

Lyle struggles for words, his face red. He is clearly very upset as he starts to pace the floor but Querl just doesn’t understand why. “Look, I just… You didn’t tell me you were going anywhere! After what happened, that just freaks me out a little bit, okay? I can’t help but worry about you. And then I find out that you went to a _club_? And dressed like that… Brainy, something could have happened to you.”

“It was perfectly safe,” Querl reasons with him, his voice a little softer now. “It’s me, Lyle, you should know that I wouldn’t do anything I thought was dangerous; certainly not just for the pleasure of _Ayla’s_ company.”

The other boy squares his jaw, his expression stubborn. “I just don’t like it. I’d rather you didn’t do it.”

“Well, I had fun, so I might do it again, and it’s none of your business whether I do or not,” Querl snaps, moving past Lyle to his work table. He’ll just check on his experiments and retire for the night if Lyle can’t be civil.

Lyle reaches out and grabs his arm in a tight hold. “Damn it, Brainy, don’t do that! Of course it’s my business! I love you and I don’t want you walking around in public dressed like that!”

“You’re hurting me!” Querl grits out, trying to pull his arm free. He wishes he had his belt so he could just put up a shield to ensure that Lyle couldn’t do something like this. When his efforts to pull away prove fruitless, he sighs in aggravation and turns to look at his partner, examining the boy closely. “… You’re aroused.”

He’s surprised, yes, but it’s obvious now that he really look. Lyle’s face is flushed, his breathing a little too erratic, and combined with his behavior, it makes sense.

“Brainy…”

“You don’t want me dressing like this because it turns you on,” Querl persists, eyes narrowing. “Are you… jealous?”

Lyle’s hold on him loosens. “No, that’s not it. It’s just… Someone could hurt you…”

“No,” Querl objects. He finally manages to yank his arm free. “That’s not it. You just don’t want anyone else to see me like this. That’s it, isn’t it? Fine then, if you’re so turned on…”

He starts to pull his shirt off and over his head. Lyle lets out a noise like a squawk, his face turned red as a tomato, but Querl ignores him and drops the shirt to the ground. He steps out of the glittery shoes and then unbuttons the mini skirt, letting it slide down to his feet.

“What about now, Lyle?” he asks as he steps away from the discarded clothes and towards his friend. “I’m not wearing those offensive clothes anymore. Is this better?”

“Brainy, put your clothes back on,” Lyle snaps, putting a hand over his eyes. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“You’ve seen me naked hundreds of times,” Querl says, refusing to back down. “You’ve never been like this before. Is it because I’m a girl now? Does that make it improper? I don’t understand, Lyle, because you said you fell in love with me a long time ago. So surely you’ve wanted to sprock me for years – but you don’t have a reaction like this until now?”

Lyle’s hand falls away from his face and Querl realizes just how close they are when the boy hesitantly reaches out and puts both hands on Querl’s waist. “You’re insane,” Lyle murmurs, looking him in the eyes. “Do you know how many times seeing you undress has driven me absolutely crazy? I’m pretty sure it’s the lacy black underwear this time.”

Their lips meet and sparks fly. Querl lets his eyes drift closed, lets Lyle pull him closer until they’re pressed flush against one another, and he sighs softly against Lyle’s mouth.

Querl draws back and lets his hands rest against Lyle’s chest. He smiles to himself, the corners of his lips curling. Then he trails one hand down until the presses it against the hardness he knew he would find, heavy and warm against his palm.

“You want me?” he asks softly.

“Always,” Lyle admits, breathing deeply.  

“I never noticed,” Querl admits and he steps back from his friend. He’s aroused too but it’s different; he can still pull away, avoid letting himself become consumed by the feeling. There was a time when such a strong feeling would have pushed him over the edge. “I’m sorry, Lyle.”

His friend breathes a heavy sigh. “It’s okay, B,” Lyle replies softly. “You are who you are, and I knew that from the start. It’s hardly your fault that I fell in love with you.”

“Why did you fall in love with me?” Querl asks. He walks away and bends down to pick up his discarded clothes. “You could have anyone you wanted and I’m hardly the finest example of a sentient being in the Legion.”

Lyle shrugs his shoulders. “I had a boyfriend, you know, for a long time. His name’s Condo – I met him when I lived on Earth. We were… sweethearts, sort of. He’s a great guy. But I met you and… things with Condo started falling apart. There’s just something about you.”

The way he words it makes Querl feel guilty. There was some other guy who loved Lyle and had been good to him, and Lyle had lost him because of Querl, who was an idiot and never even noticed that all of this time, Lyle has been in love with him.

He drops the clothes again suddenly and stares down at them, thinking hard about what he wants right now and what he’s ready for. Truth be told, he’s not sure he’s ready for anything – but if anyone could make things right and show Querl what love is supposed to be like… it’s probably Lyle.

“Make love to me, Lyle,” he says, turning back to his friend. “I know I said I didn’t want that kind of relationship right now, or maybe not ever, but that’s irrational and I want you… I want you to show me what it’s like.”

First, Lyle looks surprised. Then he smiles tolerantly, his expression the same as he’s worn many times when he thinks Querl is being ridiculous but kind of cute. “Brainy, don’t be ridiculous. You’re not ready for that sort of thing yet. Don’t feel like you have to push yourself. I’m happy to wait as long as you need.”

“Please, Lyle.” Querl clenches and unclenches his hands at his sides, full of nervous energy. “I wouldn’t ask you if I didn’t have a good reason.”

“… Alright,” Lyle says finally. “I’ll show you what it’s supposed to be like. But you have to trust me and let me do things the way I want to. Don’t get impatient or try to speed things up or anything. We take this slow. Are we clear?”

Querl nods. “Those terms sound reasonable.”

“Right… Follow me.” Lyle beckons for Querl to follow him and they make their way to the back room, where Querl quite often spends the night when he gets too wrapped up in his work. It’s an isolated room with a lock, and it has a small bed in one corner.

Lyle sits down on the bed and pats the space beside him. “Just sit here.”

“Alright,” Querl says, sitting down beside his friend. “Whatever you say.”

“Just trust me,” Lyle murmurs before leaning in to capture Querl’s lips in a kiss.

It’s soft and gentle, just a pressing of their mouths against one another. Then Lyle’s mouth opens, his tongue stroking Querl’s lips and asking for entrance. After a moment of uncertainty, Querl opens his mouth in answer and Lyle deepens the kiss.

He feels Lyle’s hand rest against his thigh, a firm presence. Lyle squeezes just a little to let Querl know he’s there. The other boy’s fingers skim upwards and catch on the band of Querl’s underwear, tugging down. Querl relaxes and lets Lyle push him gently backwards on the bed. Finally, Lyle breaks he kiss, breathing harshly against Querl’s face. Their breath mingles, heavy and labored with the heat of the moment.

“I love you so much,” Lyle whispers reverently. “And I would never, ever do anything to hurt you.”

The other boy trails his lips down Querl’s jaw to his neck, where he mouths softly against Querl’s skin. Querl is so distracted by the strangely pleasant sensation that he only notices Lyle’s attempts to remove the lacy bra when his partner unfastens the hooks.

“Tell me if you start to feel uncomfortable,” Lyle says as he slips the bra off and drops it over the side of the bed. “I don’t want to do anything that worries you. This is all about you this time, alright?”

Querl groans softly when Lyle’s mouth moves to his breasts and shakily nods his head to show that he understands and agrees, but he’s distracted by Lyle’s tongue on his nipples. The tingling pleasure rolls through his body, making him throb with want, making his head warm and fuzzy. It’s not quite enough, splendid as it is; it’s pleasure just on the precipice of being ecstasy.

Then Lyle’s hand very carefully slips into Querl’s underwear, the boy’s soft, gentle fingers exploring territory that even Querl has only touched for the purpose of cleaning when in the shower. Querl shivers and a little apprehension crawls up his spine. He tries not to think about what happened before and how vulnerable that place is. Lyle’s fingers cautiously pet him and press inside and Querl’s toes curl up at the sensation.

“O-Oh… Lyle…”

“Are you okay?” Lyle pauses, looking up at Querl with concern. “We can stop if you want to.”

“Don’t stop!” Querl objects sharply. At this point, he’ll just be frustrated if Lyle leaves him on his own to deal with the tension that has built up. No, he needs release and he suspects he won’t be very adept at bringing himself to completion in this form. “Please, just… It feels good. I don’t want you to stop.”

Lyle gives him a reassuring smile and goes back to nuzzling and lapping at Querl’s breasts, while his fingers continue their explorations, rubbing delicious places inside Querl that make heat pool in his belly. If this is sex, it’s really nothing like he imagined it would be, and it’s miles away from how he lost his virginity.

“Have you done this before?” he asks hesitantly, not sure he wants to know the answer. “You… You’re good at this.”

Instead of answering right away, Lyle presses gently on Querl’s clitoris and rubs it in just the right way. Querl sees stars and can’t help the wanton moan that escapes him, his eyes rolling back in his head. “Grife, Lyle, that’s… ah, more, please…”

“A few times,” Lyle says in answer to Querl’s question, while he obeys and continues his ministrations, making Querl writhe against the mattress. “Just with men. There’s something I want to try, though.”

He moves away from Querl just long enough to slip the black panties down Querl’s legs. Querl kicks the hindering garments off impatiently and then realizes that now he’s completely naked beneath his best friend and he’s not sure what Lyle is planning to do next.

When Lyle’s mouth presses against Querl’s crotch, the Coluan finds himself shocked into silence. At first, he is incredibly uncomfortable with it – it can’t be very hygienic – but Lyle kisses his skin so sweetly and then his tongue is lapping at Querl’s folds, stroking his insides. The feeling is pleasure like Querl has never experienced, not just because of the physical logistics of it, but also because Lyle is being so attentive to Querl’s needs and so gentle.

Querl’s heart is pounding in his chest as he moans and whimpers. This feels _good_. He imagines what this would be like in his former body and just the thought of how amazing it would be has him crying out. Meanwhile, Lyle works diligently, his tongue doing wonders as his hands stroke Querl’s thighs. Everything is building up inside Querl and he’s certain that his nails have torn holes in the bed sheet by now.

Then it all breaks in waves of pleasure, saturating his brain in the feeling, and the world disappears for a while as his body orgasms.

He comes down from the high feeling boneless and limp beneath his lover. Lyle has moved up now and he smiles at Querl, as though he is incredibly proud of himself.

“Was it good?” the human asks.

“Yeah,” Querl agrees breathlessly, trying to smile back but he can’t quite remember how to make the muscles in his mouth work. “It was… different.”

“Well, yeah,” Lyle says. “Women and men climax differently, you know. Are you done or do you want to keep going?”

The immediate gratification Querl was experiencing a moment ago is starting to ebb away and the heat in his belly returns. Plus, he can’t help but notice that Lyle is still hard, his erection clearly outlined through his uniform.

“I could go for another round,” Querl admits. “What’s next?”

Lyle’s smile falters a little and he looks nervous. “Well… It might make you uncomfortable and you don’t need to feel like it’s necessary. What I’m saying is, we could, you know… try penetration. That’s entirely up to you, okay?”

“Oh.” Querl looks away from Lyle and tries to gather himself. What’s the right thing to do? Lyle has been a kind and understanding lover so far and he has been true to his promise that he would show Querl what sex is supposed to be like. If Querl backs out now, he won’t know what it’s really like. But he’s scared and he’s not sure he can really let Lyle do that.

Grife, but he doesn’t want that man to win. He doesn’t want to let the damage show right now. For just a little while, can’t he pretend that he’s whole and healthy and happy to embrace his lover?

“You don’t have to,” Lyle promises him. “Please, Querl, don’t force yourself to do this. We have time. This doesn’t have to happen now.”

“… Will you undress?” Querl asks softly. “And… I want to be facing you. I want to see your face.”

Lyle hesitates to obey. “Brainy… I don’t want to make you think of him.”

He sounds so desperate, like it would just kill him to be compared to Dram. Querl doesn’t know how to tell him that he could never, ever be like that man, just because he is Lyle Norg, Querl’s dearest friend; his comrade and his lover and his conscience. This beautiful boy is the other half of Querl’s soul.

“You won’t,” Querl promises. “Lyle, you could never. It’s okay, I swear.”

The other boy watches him anxiously for a moment before leaning in to kiss him again. Querl can taste himself on Lyle’s lips and he thinks about how gross that is for a minute, but it inspires the urge to giggle in him and he pushes the thought aside.

“Undress, you said?” Lyle pulls back and starts to shed his uniform. As Lyle’s pale, perfect skin is exposed to him, Querl lies on the bed and watches, his lips curling in a smile. His partner truly is beautiful; he’s always thought so.

When Lyle finally stands naked before him, as exposed as Querl, the Coluan crooks a finger, beckoning Lyle towards him. “Be gentle, okay? I trust you. If it doesn’t hurt too much, I’ll be alright.”

“It might be a little uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t really hurt,” Lyle promises as he climbs between Querl’s legs until he’s properly positioned. “Brainy, do you want me to wear a condom?”

“No,” Querl replies dismissively. What’s the point in a condom? It’s not like he can get any more pregnant than he already is. Luckily, he didn’t catch anything from his rapist; he’s still clean. “Forget about the condom, Lyle, we don’t have any in here.”

“Alright.” Lyle kisses him again, his hands flat against the mattress to support himself. His hair is stuck to his head with sweat and his skin shines with it. Querl feels his friend’s erection pressing against him, nudging him open, so he lets his legs fall apart, inviting Lyle inside.

It does hurt, a little, and Lyle’s kiss swallows Querl’s whimpers as the other boy carefully pushes into Querl’s body. He pauses several times to let Querl adjust until finally Lyle is fully sheathed within Querl. They break the kiss and they’re both breathing hard.

“Are you okay?” Lyle asks.

Querl takes a moment to think about how it feels. He is fully connected to Lyle now, at least physically, and it’s strange. He feels too full, stretched a little too far, but Lyle has been careful and what minimal pain there was has mostly disappeared.

“I think so,” he answers, nodding his head. The heat in his belly is urging him onwards, telling him that now is not the time to stop. “You can move now.”

It takes Querl a bit to adjust to Lyle’s slow, rhythmic thrusts. He is slick with desire now and that makes the passage easier. Querl reaches his hands up to grasp Lyle’s face and he pulls the other boy down until their foreheads are touching. “It’s okay. I’m okay.”

Lyle tries to smile but he mostly looks sad. “I thought maybe I’d be your first,” he whispers.

“Oh, Lyle,” Querl murmurs, “don’t you see? You are my first.”

\--

They lie together in the bed for a long time, completely sated. Lyle encircles Brainy in his arms, as though he can somehow provide her with a protective barrier from the world. She dozes, her head pillowed against his chest, and she looks positively angelic in the afterglow. It sets Lyle’s heart at ease to see his friend so content.

“Have you been very sick?” he asks presently. Brainy hasn’t really mentioned her pregnancy symptoms but it wouldn’t be something she thought Lyle needed to hear about. “I’m sure Dr. Gym’ll could give you something to make the morning sickness easier.”

Brainy smiles against Lyle’s skin and hums softly. “It’s not too bad. Coluans usually don’t experience severe symptoms at first. Later in the pregnancy… it will get harder. There is a reason my people prefer not to bear their own children.”

“How much harder?” Lyle strokes Brainy’s hair lovingly.

“It doesn’t matter,” Brainy tells him with a sigh. “It’s not going to kill me. I plan to do the right thing.”

Lyle nods and considers it for a moment. Then he finds himself chuckling quietly. “I never imagined you with a kid, B.”

“Doesn’t it sound terrible?” Brainy asks, laughing a little as well. “Remember how I treated Koko?”

“I do.” Lyle is grinning broadly now. “You loved that little monkey.”

“Did not,” Brainy says stubbornly, glaring up at him.

That cute little pout on Brainy’s face has always been Lyle’s undoing. He fondly brushes his hand against her cheek. “You’ll be a wonderful parent. You’re going to make sure that kid has everything it could ever want.”

Brainy sighs and snuggles closer to him. “I just hope you know that you don’t have to take on this responsibility. I appreciate it, of course, but I’ll understand if you’re not ready for a child.”

“First of all, if I left you on your own to deal with this, I would never hear the end of it,” Lyle replies. “I think Spark and Livewire would team up and make my death look like an accident. Besides all of that, I want to be part of this. Yeah, it’s scary and I’m not completely sure I’ll be any good at it, but if it’s with you, it’s okay.”

“You’ll be a great father, then,” Brainy whispers.

Feeling suddenly impish, Lyle rolls them both so that he is lying overtop Brainy. She looks up at him with a quizzical expression but Lyle just grins at her and moves down to press his lips against her belly, still flat and toned.

“Hello in there, baby,” he coos against Brainy’s skin. “This is your Daddy speaking. Can you hear me?”

“Lyle, why are you talking to my abdomen?” Brainy asks, and the look on her face suggests that she thinks Lyle may have suffered brain damage.

“I’m talking to the baby!” Lyle objects, laughing. “Baby, do you know how lucky you are? You have the smartest Mommy in the universe and he’s going to love you so much. He’ll want you to be a famous scientist, just like him, and you’ll be so smart. And I’m going to love you, Baby. I’ll make sure you always know how much we love you.”

He looks back up at Brainy to find that she is blinking back tears. Confused, he moves back up and kisses her cheek. “What’s wrong, B? Why are you crying?”

“I just… I always wanted that,” Brainy whispers. “My whole life, I just wanted to think someone out there loved me and missed me.”

Lyle sighs and hugs her body close to his own. “I loved you and missed you. And if I’d known it was you that I loved and missed, we would have met each other much sooner.”

She laughs softly but the happy sound breaks into a sob. “I’ll never let the baby feel like I did,” she swears quietly. “The way it happened, well, I didn’t want to be pregnant. It just feels wrong for… for a child to come of something like that. Nonetheless, I know what it’s like to be unwanted. My mother… it couldn’t have been much better for her. Colu wanted the Dox line to continue and… and who knows what she went through. But she left me there, where no one cared, and I always _knew_ that she must have hated me…”

When Lyle thinks about what life must have been like for Brainy, he sees only blank white in his mind because he just can’t understand. The puzzle pieces he has don’t fit well enough together. He knows that Mr. Brande took Brainy in at eleven years old, and that Brainy’s mother left her at birth. He knows that Brainiac 4 tracked Brainy down pretending to want to reconnect, only to attempt to murder Brainy. That’s all, really. He doesn’t know how Brainy felt as a small child, except that now he sort of knows that Brainy felt alone and unloved. That would be such a burden to carry for a little kid.

“My parents… They used to leave for weeks on business trips. I got to where I was more used to my friend Jacques and his family. My own mother and father were strangers to me.” Lyle rubs Brainy’s shoulder as he speaks. “I was a happy boy, but I’ve always felt that there was something I missed as a child.” He laughs bitterly. “I remember this one time – it was my birthday, and I just wanted my dad to take me fishing, of all things. I don’t know how I got the idea in my head, but anyway. I asked him, and he said he’d try to come home. We made plans and I really thought he was going to do it. But on my birthday, I waited all day and he never came home. He’d forgotten about it completely.”

He knows a little of how Brainy must feel, though they’ve obviously both dealt with their abandonment issues in different ways. She has tried to distance herself completely, and he has done his best to be a good friend but he has a hard time sticking around when things get hard. Except now, he knows that he has to stick around or he’ll lose the best thing that has ever happened to him. More than that, it’s not just Brainy who needs him around. There’s a baby now who won’t have a dad otherwise and the kid deserves a chance.

“I don’t know if I’m really Dad material, B, but I’m going to try,” he says earnestly. “Part of me is scared that I’ll be like my dad and I won’t be there for the kid when it really needs me, but… I’m going to try so hard to do the right thing. And no matter what, I’ll love this kid with everything I have in me. I swear it.”

It seems as though Brainy’s tears have dried. She gives him a smile and nods. Then she sighs and relaxes against him. “Let’s worry about all of it some other time. I’m tired, Lyle.”

“Sleep,” Lyle tells her gently. “We’ve got plenty of time to talk. For now, I think we’ve both earned a break.”

She hums in agreement and closes her eyes. Within moments, he hears her breathing even out in sleep. These days, he’s sure she hasn’t been getting enough sleep. Even though she never mentions nightmares, she never looks properly rested. Maybe she dwells on what happened all of the time; she’s known to obsess over things at times. He tries to imagine what it’s like in her head right now but he can’t. It’s as blank as when he tries to imagine her childhood. But he’s sure that she must still be hurting. She probably blames herself.

If he could go back in time and fix it all, he would. But he knows by now that trying to change the past only makes more trouble. Somehow he just has to accept that this was supposed to happen in the grand scheme of things. Maybe the tiny life inside of Brainy is going to do something amazing one day, and its mother’s pain was a necessary evil. If nothing else, the baby at least deserves the opportunity to lead a happy life.

Still, if it is a child the universe wants from Brainy, then Lyle would have been happy to step up to the plate. He could have slowly won Brainy’s heart, and maybe they could have built a life together, and children wouldn’t have been a problem, even before Brainy’s transformation. There are ways to go about it. Couldn’t that have worked? Couldn’t it have been Lyle’s kid?

He kisses Brainy’s hair tenderly. His thoughts, both selfish and selfless, are no good to Brainy now. There is no changing the course of things now, but the future is still unwritten. For Lyle and Brainy, that will mean making the best of all of this, and hoping that it will somehow lead them somewhere brighter.

TBC


	7. Unfold

**The Sum of Us**

**Chapter 7: Unfold  
**

_Hands in line, arms close to my side,_

_I’m fighting tides of an ocean’s undertow_

_And I figure that I might not make it._

_I’m waking empty but seldom sleeping_

_And the words retreat, yeah, they breathe in histories_

_Still at ease, and the story’s untold_

_And my arms unfold._

_- **Jason Mraz, “Unfold”**_

Lyle dreams of chokeweed. It is thick inside his veins, spreading to every corner of his body as he lies helpless in the dark. The pain is continuous; it is all that he can feel. His eyes see nothing and his mouth is opened as his screams echo inside his mind but no one hears him. No one saves him. He wonders how long it will take before his body gives out. Why hasn’t someone come to save him? Why can’t he die? He screams and screams…

And then he jolts awake and finds himself in bed, his heart pounding in his chest. He remembers that the chokeweed is gone and he is safe and whole. There is nothing to be scared of.

But the screaming hasn’t stopped. Lyle sits up in bed and realizes that the screaming is coming from Brainy, who has curled into a ball on the far side of the bed. Her hands are clutching her head and her body is shaking. Every pained cry that passes her lips bounces off the walls at Lyle.

“Brainy, wake up.” Lyle grabs his companion’s shoulder and shakes it roughly, panicked. “Brainy! You’re just dreaming, babe! Wake up!”

Her eyes fly open but she’s still screaming. She wrenches her body away from him and falls off the bed in the process. “No! Stay away from me!”

She huddles in a ball and the screams slowly fade into sobs. Lyle doesn’t know what to do for her. He slowly climbs out of bed and crouches near her, but not too close. They’re both still naked, else he would probably call for backup and maybe get Brainy a sedative. As it is, he’d rather calm her down himself enough that they can both get dressed.

“I’m not touching you,” he says gently. “Come on, Brainy, it’s just a nightmare. That’s all it was.”

Gradually, her eyes open and she looks up at him, still crying. They stare at each other for a few moments and Brainy looks as shocked as Lyle feels. Finally, the girl takes a deep, shuddering breath and seems to get herself under control.

“Something’s wrong with me,” she whispers, hanging her head. “I… I was there again. I felt it all again.”

“It was a nightmare, B,” Lyle murmurs.

“I don’t _have_ nightmares!” Brainy shouts, a note of hysteria in her voice. “I never have nightmares! Anything that hurts me, I just put it away where it won’t bother me anymore!”

Maybe that’s true, but she definitely had a nightmare just now and Lyle tries to figure out how to convince her of the fact. Hasn’t she had nightmares before this one? If not, what triggered it now? He has a sinking feeling that it has something to do with them having sex. It was probably too soon. He shouldn’t have even suggested it – of course Brainy would push herself too far trying to prove that she could do it.

“For some reason, you had one this time,” he tells her softly. “Brainy, I was right here. Nothing happened. You were lying right beside me the whole time. So you need to calm down. Everything is fine.”

Her lower lip quivers but she finally nods. “You’re right, that’s the only logical explanation.” She starts to push herself up off the floor, but she’s unsteady as she rises and she has to support herself against the wall until she has regained her footing. She stands still for a few moments, legs weak and wobbly as a newborn foal’s, before moving.

Methodically, she gathers up her clothes and starts to redress, while Lyle watches her. He wants to move to stop her but he’s not sure what to say to her. Only moments ago, she was screaming like the rape was happening all over again in this very room. Lyle feels like he should give her space.

“… Are you okay?” he asks finally when she has replaced her clothes and is stepping back into the sparkling gold shoes. “Do you need anything?”

Her eyes look puffy from crying but Brainy shakes her head. “I just want a shower,” she croaks.

“Okay,” Lyle says, feeling guilty. Is he the cause of this? Brainy wasn’t ready for what they did, and Lyle went along with it anyway. He feels a surge of hatred towards himself for taking advantage of his friend. It makes him feel like he is no better than that man. “Do you want to be alone?”

He doesn’t want to leave her to her own devices because he’s afraid she won’t take proper care of herself, but he can’t force his presence on her. It is imperative that Brainy realizes she can accept and refuse Lyle whenever she chooses to.

“I think that would be best,” Brainy agrees, her lips pressed into a thin line.

Lyle nods, but he wishes she would let him be there for her. “Brainy, if… if you need to talk and you don’t want to talk to be about it… Will you please talk to Dr. Ryk’rr? You shouldn’t just lock these things up; you have to learn to deal with them.”

“Yes, Norg, thank you for that invaluable advice,” Brainy snips. Perhaps Lyle has offended her, or merely forced a topic that she is not quite ready to address. “I will contact you later on. Please do not worry about me in the meantime.”

She hurries from the lab, absently adjusting her clothes and trying to smooth down her mussed hair as she goes. Though he is worried for her, Lyle can’t help smiling fondly as he watches her leave. Even in such a state of disarray, she is beautiful.

\--

Querl makes it back to his quarters without anyone else noticing him. He locks his door behind him and then quickly strips off the borrowed feminine garments, leaving them in a pile on the floor. Before he returns them, he determines to wash them; they’re in no state to be given back to his friends as they are.

Naked, he makes a beeline for his shower. After last night, he feels sweaty and sticky, which he supposes is normal for intercourse, but he doesn’t like it. For one thing, now that the orgasmic high is a distant memory, he is disgusted with himself for allowing his body to be taken like a female’s, even if it was Lyle who did the taking. He is male, not female, and he should not have enjoyed sex as a female. Somehow, it makes him feel like less of a man.

Furthermore, the sticky, sore feeling he is experiencing now is too close to the way he felt after the rape. It makes his skin crawl and he desperately needs to be clean. He has to wash off the filth that keeps accumulating on his body.

So he steps into his shower and he scrubs his body from head to toe. When every other part of him is thoroughly cleaned, he reaches a hand between his legs and begins to clean there as well with shaky fingers. Lyle’s semen might as well be Dram’s, because it makes Querl feel just as tainted on the inside now. Querl struggles to keep from crying as he does his level best to remove any trace of copulating with his best friend.

He has rubbed his skin raw but he still doesn’t feel clean when he finally shuts off the shower and steps out to grab a towel. He bundles himself up in the material and avoids looking at the reflection of his naked body in the bathroom mirror.

Still, his feet feel wrong as he walks, and his fingers grip the towel too lightly. It’s true that he has never been very strong physically but he can’t help feeling like he’d be safer in his old body, just a little stronger, and maybe that would be enough to keep everyone away.

It’s really time for him to be up and attending to his duties, but Querl sits down on his bed and stares at his feet instead. He’s been going through the motions lately but today his heart just isn’t in it. He’s still off duty, anyway. No one needs him, even if some of his teammates insist on “checking up” on how he’s doing, or trying to take care of him in various ways. They’re being kind, he supposes.

What was he thinking last night? He should have known better. Grife, hadn’t he told Ayla that the thought of sex makes him feel sick? And it does right now, his stomach churns at the memory, so what came over him that made him engage in relations with Lyle?

The nightmare is what bothers him the most. It was so vivid and painful, and he never has nightmares. He doesn’t know how to deal with nightmares. Experiencing the rape all over again has opened all of the slowly healing wounds. Querl presses his arms around himself as though to staunch the flow of blood from the millions of tiny cuts it feels like his body is covered in.

How is he going to be able to sleep again after this? If he closes his eyes, he might see that man towering over him, prepared to hurt Querl without a hint of remorse. It’s driving him crazy to think that it’s going to haunt him for the rest of his life. Is he ever going to able to have sex without wanting to claw his own skin off afterward?

He’ll never be any good to the Legion outside of his lab. The thought of going on another mission terrifies him now. Cosmic Boy was right to exclude him from the search for the pirates, because Querl was in no shape to face his attackers again. Even now, he knows he’d rather run away than come face to face with Zanda and Dram again.

So what good is he now, now that he’s scared of his own shadow? Even his lab work has suffered because he’s distracted and he can’t properly focus. The truth of the matter is that the damage Dram did to him was always more than skin deep and now he can see that it has ruined his career permanently. But without the Legion, Querl truly has nothing. He can’t leave this place and all of the people who care about him, because this is the closest thing to a family that he has ever had.

If he can’t stay here and he has nowhere to go, Querl realizes that there is only one solution. A cold feeling settles in the pit of his stomach as he considers it, but he realizes that it’s the easiest answer. Everything would stop hurting. Life wouldn’t be able to hurt him or his unborn child ever again. Surely he has earned peace.

He redresses in his uniform. It’s not his original uniform, but that one was lost on the pirate ship, and wouldn’t have stayed on him anyway. He thinks carefully about how he’s going to do this. There are a few different ways, but if he fails, it could result in his simply killing the child and leaving himself alive for even more pain. No, it has to be a quick, clean death.

He can go to the armory for a gun. That’s the best choice. One shot, no pain, everything will be over.

So he makes his way to the armory, trying to be discreet. No one knows he has entertained any notions of suicide, so no one will be suspicious unless he’s caught in the act.

In the hall, he sees Lyle coming from the opposite direction and they both freeze. Querl’s mind races for a way to give Lyle the slip. In the meantime, Lyle moves and comes to stand in front of him, looking guilty and worried.

“Are you okay, Brainy? I’m so sorry. We took things too fast. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

The other boy looks so sincere. Querl feels guilty himself, because he knows that Lyle is going to be angry with him for what he’s about to do.

“You didn’t,” he says firmly. “It’s my problem, Lyle; I should have known my own limits. It’s not your fault.”

His friend smiles finally and nods. “Okay. Are you alright?”

“I’m okay,” Querl agrees, forcing a smile of his own. He looks away from the other boy for a moment. There’s something he needs to say, and this is his last chance. He needs to just get it out. “Lyle, I… I love you. It’s hard for me to say that sort of thing but no matter what, I love you. I just… wanted you to know.”

Lyle reaches out to him and lightly touches Querl’s cheek. “I love you too. I just wish I could make it all stop hurting for you.”

Querl blinks back tears and forces his smile to grow a little wider. “Don’t worry. Things will get better soon.”

They part ways and Querl’s heart feels heavy. The last thing he wants to do is hurt Lyle, but things are too much. He just can’t do this anymore and he needs out. Maybe Lyle will understand eventually; he’s smarter than the rest, after all.

In all the time he’s been a Legionnaire, Querl can count the number of times he’s been to the armory on one hand. He doesn’t like it; all those dangerous weapons in one place. It’s not really the place he wants to spend his last minutes in, but there’s only one way he’ll get away with this, and that’s to do it quick before anyone notices anything amiss. He’s pretty sure he couldn’t get a gun back to his quarters without someone noticing. It’s not like it matters where he dies, anyway. He’ll be dead, it’s not like he’ll care.

He lets himself in and quickly checks to make sure there’s no one nearby. When he’s certain that he’s alone, he begins his search for the most efficient weapon. It takes him an hour, approximately, and then he takes the gun in his hands and sits down in the floor with it. He stares at it for a long time, trying to muster up the nerve to do what he came here for.

Finally, he lifts the gun and carefully places it in his mouth, angling it for a quick, painless shot. All he has to do is pull the trigger and this will all be over.

Tears gather in his eyes because he’s so relieved. He can rest now. His finger starts to squeeze the trigger.

“Brainy, no!”

Querl is so startled by the sound of another person yelling his name that he jolts, and he lowers the gun. The gun is suddenly wrenched from his hands and flies across the room.

“No!” he exclaims and he scrambles for another one, there are plenty around him, but another person is suddenly on him, grabbing him and pulling him away from the weapons. “Let go! Stop it, let go of me, please! I want to die, please, just let me die!”

He knows he’s fighting with all the strength he has, but the person holding him is much stronger. The other Legionnaire pulls him further and further away from his escape. “Sprock, Brainy!” It’s Rokk’s voice, strained and panicked. “Are you insane?! Quit fighting me!”

“Don’t touch me!” Querl loses it. He can’t stand having another man holding him like this. No, he has to get away, has to get back to the gun. That was his last recourse. “Let go of me! Damn you, you simpering idiot, don’t you understand?! I don’t want this anymore! I just want to die! It’s my choice!”

Rokk has one arm around Querl’s middle and he’s holding too tight. Querl struggles to get free of the grip, suddenly terrified that the other boy is going to hurt the baby, and that’s the last thing he’d be able to handle right now after his plan has been foiled.

“Be careful!” Someone, probably Ayla by the sound, calls out. Querl can’t see her through his tears. “Don’t hurt him, Rokk! He’s pregnant, there’s a baby, you have to be careful!”

“Shut up, Ayla!” Querl screams, and then he sags in Rokk’s hold and he wails miserably. “Why?! Why are you doing this to me?! I wanted… I wanted to die…”

For a few long moments, Rokk just stands there and holds Querl tightly, like he’s not sure if Querl will start fighting him again. Then the hold turns into Rokk hugging Querl against his chest, talking softly and saying things that Querl refuses to pay attention to. He gives up. There’s no escape like he thought there might be, and now that they’ve caught him, the others won’t give him the opportunity to try again.

Rokk lifts Querl up in his arms, and Querl doesn’t fight, just hangs there limply and doesn’t bother trying not to cry.

His teammates take him to medical bay and Dr. Gym’ll shows them to a secluded room, where Rokk settles Querl down on the bed. Then Ayla and Rokk hover nearby as the doctor checks Querl over.

“Brainiac 5, your friends tell me that you were trying to kill yourself.”

“Yes,” Querl answers the doctor, his voice stuffy and hoarse from crying.

“Can you tell me why?” Dr. Gym’ll asks him kindly. “I’m not judging you. I just need to know what was going through your head.”

Querl licks his lips and tastes salt from his own tears. “I just wanted it to stop hurting.”

The doctor looks weary. He pats Querl’s hand, as though to reassure him. “I’m going to give you something to help you sleep. You need some rest, I think.”

When the needle slides into Querl’s arm, he hardly notices. It only takes moments for the drug to take affect and Querl feels himself drift off into unconsciousness.

\--

Brainy is awake when Lyle comes to see her in medical bay. Well, she’s awake but she’s lying on the bed limp as a ragdoll and she stares at the wall impassively, never once looking up when Lyle steps into the room.

He crosses the room and pulls a chair up beside her bed. “How are you feeling?”

The girl shrugs her shoulders. She doesn’t speak.

“… I love you,” Lyle says softly, hoping to coax her out of her shell. “I don’t know why you did it, but I know you must have had your reasons. It hurts, yeah, because I feel like I’m partly to blame. I just… I want to know what you’re thinking, babe. I want to fix it for you.”

“You can’t fix it,” Brainy whispers. “I hate myself, Lyle. Everything hurts, everything terrifies me, and I thought I could get away. I was wrong.”

Does she feel trapped inside of her own body, in her own head? Lyle wishes he could take his hands and soothe away all of the pain. She doesn’t deserve to hurt like this. “Don’t hate yourself, Brainy. You’re a wonderful, amazing person. What that man did to you doesn’t change who you are.”

“Yes, it does.” Brainy’s voice cracks as she speaks. “I’m ruined.”

Tears sting Lyle’s eyes. If he could kill that man and kill all of Brainy’s pain at the same time, he’d be on his way to Takron Galtos right now and the deed would be done before the day was out. But he can’t do that, and he can’t make things better for Brainy, no matter how hard he tries.

“What about the baby?” he asks her gently. “You’ve got someone relying on you, B. She needs you to take care of yourself and be happy. I know you’re hurting but if you can just push through this, things will get better. You’ll be a great parent.”

Brainy draws in a shuddering breath. “No, I won’t. I’ll try to do everything right and I’ll still mess up. And you’ll end up leaving because I’ll be so miserable and I won’t ever be able to have a healthy relationship with you, and then I’ll be raising a kid by myself and it’s going to grow up to hate because I was _never there_.”

She starts to sob as she speaks the last two words, and she curls in on herself, hiding her face against her pillow. Lyle hates seeing her like this, so small and damaged because life has hurt her so much. Life shouldn’t be like that.

The fact that she tried to kill herself tells Lyle that she hasn’t been making as much progress as he’d originally thought. Last night she had seemed so confident, so happy that she’d connected with her friends for a while, and Lyle never would have agreed to their being intimate if Brainy hadn’t seemed like she was ready. Clearly she wasn’t ready. He should have known better.

“I’m never going to leave you,” he promises her. “If you’re always miserable, I’ll always be there trying to make you happier. You’ll see, I promise. Just give me a chance.”

“It’s too hard,” Brainy chokes out, shaking her head. “I’m tired, Lyle. I’m so tired.”

He reaches over and pets her hair, trying to comfort her. “I know, babe. You have a right to be.”

She just cries harder, and Lyle realizes that she probably needs to get it all out of her system so he just stays with her until her sobs slowly turn into sniffles. Finally, her eyes drift closed and her breathing evens out. Only then does Lyle feel comfortable leaving her.

Dr. Gym’ll is waiting for him out in the main room and gives him a wry smile. “You handled that well, Invisible Kid. He needs your support right now.”

“Yeah, I know.” Lyle sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “I just can’t figure out why he did it. Things were going well. I thought he was getting better. Maybe I just wanted it all to be okay so badly that I missed the signs.”

“This is Brainiac 5 we’re talking about,” the doctor reminds him. “I’m sure he’s capable of hiding things, more so than the average person might be. You shouldn’t blame yourself for this. He’s been severely traumatized and he’s just having trouble learning to cope.”

Shouldn’t Brainy be the best at learning how to deal with new situations? Lyle wishes he understood how his friend’s brain works but it seems like super geniuses are super complicated too, and maybe it’s even harder for someone like Brainy to deal with trauma than it is for most people. Maybe Brainy isn’t capable of accepting the rape and moving on with her life.

“Is he okay?” Lyle asks. “I wanted to ask him about the baby but I didn’t think it would be a good idea to bring it up right now.”

“Aside from undue stress and a little roughing up at the hands of Cosmic Boy, he’s not injured,” Dr. Gym’ll replies. “As far as I can tell, he and the baby are both whole and healthy. Mentally, he’s a wreck. I’m going to keep him here for a little while to observe him and make sure we don’t have a repeat performance of today. I’ve already contacted Dr. Ryk’rr and she’ll be coming in to speak with him as soon as possible.”

Lyle nods. “I think… I think he needs to talk about what happened.”

“About the rape?” the doctor asks him.

“Yeah,” Lyle agrees, turning his gaze to the floor. “You see, last night… Last night he asked if I would have sex with him. I didn’t really think he was ready but he said he wanted to know what it was supposed to be like. So I thought maybe if I showed him, it would help him move past what that guy did to him. And he seemed fine! I mean, I think it was good for him. Even after, he seemed kind of happy. But this morning, he woke me up screaming, having a nightmare. I can’t help thinking that maybe the two of us being intimate was what triggered it.”

“It’s possible,” the doctor agrees quietly. “Something was going to break eventually, though. He’s been bottling it up instead of working through it. That’s never healthy.”

That’s what Lyle has been afraid of, but he’d been hoping that Brainy was dealing with things in her own way. She’s been talking to Dr. Ryk’rr, and yesterday she went out with Ayla and Vi. It was just wishful thinking, but Lyle had tricked himself into thinking that things were on the right track. Of course it was only a matter of time before Brainy backslid.

The doors to medical bay suddenly swish open and Cosmic Boy strides in with Kid Quantum in tow. Jasmin is the leader but you wouldn’t know it from watching the way Rokk still runs the Legion as though he were in charge. The Braalian is a natural leader, of course, and he does a good job, even if he’s a bit thick-headed at times.

“How is he?” Rokk asks solemnly. His expression is strained. Dr. Gym’ll told Lyle that Rokk was the one who got the gun away from Brainy. “Has he spoken?”

“He’s tired,” Lyle replies, feeling exhausted himself. “I talked to him a little and he didn’t say much. After everything he’s been through, it’s not surprising, really. It’s just that nobody thought that he’d try something this extreme.”

Rokk nods and looks away from them. “I, uh, I knew about the sexual assault. Kid Quantum and I have been handling the people who did this. They’re in Takron Galtos but it’s been difficult to get the judicial system moving. Dr. Gym’ll said he didn’t have much physical DNA to tie Dram to the case with and we weren’t sure we were going to be able to pin Dram and Zanda with anything. Brainy’s testimony was our best shot. I had no idea there was a child involved.”

“It’s mine,” Lyle says sharply before he really even thinks about his words. “The baby is mine.”

“Is it?” Rokk looks at him critically. “See, I don’t think so. I find it hard to believe that Brainy would have sex with you right after being raped by a total stranger, before he even found out if he’d been infected with any STIs or dealt with the PTSD that I _know_ he has. Not to mention, I just don’t think you’re the kind of guy who would take advantage of someone else like that. If the baby is a result of the rape, that gives us a physical connection. DNA tests would prove the child was Dram’s, and Dr. Gym’ll’s initial rape exam would show clearly that Brainy was an unwilling participant. It would be the key piece of evidence we need to put these creeps away for life.”

Lyle is slightly taken aback by Rokk’s vehemence, and slightly put off. What business does Rokk have, charging in here, pretending to know exactly what to do and what’s right? When has Rokk ever been there for Brainy in the past?

“Look, why do you even care?” he snaps, probably unfairly, but he’s stressed and he can’t deal with this right now. “Why does it matter so much to you?”

The look on Rokk’s face is incredulous. “Are you serious, Invisible Kid? Are you seriously asking me why the assault and rape of my teammate is important to me? Damn it, maybe you think I don’t care, but this Legion is my family the same as it’s yours and Brainy’s. I found him with the barrel of a gun in his mouth! Crazy, difficult, brilliant Brainy with a gun in his mouth, like he had nothing left to live for. I thought he was going to blow his brains out before I got to him. You have no idea what that feels like.”

“… I do know,” Lyle murmurs, slightly cowed. “You forget that I found him after the assault.”

“He cried on my shoulder,” Rokk says, sounding baffled and astounded. “Brainy would never do that. He’s my friend, Lyle, even if we don’t usually get along. If I can get the bastards that did this to him, I’ll make sure they get what’s coming to them.”

Lyle leans against the wall and puts a hand over his eyes. “I’m sorry, Cos, I shouldn’t have jumped on your case. It’s just… It’s hard to see him like this. He’s always so composed, even when he’s not okay, but it’s like he’s barely holding it together. I just want him to heal.”

“We all want that,” Jasmin speaks up softly. “Brainy is my friend too. Even if he wasn’t, what happened to him is unforgivable. We won’t let them get away with it, Kid, we won’t.”

They mean well and Lyle should appreciate their help. He nods to Jasmin and tries to regain his composure. He didn’t mean to lose it like that. But it hurts so much that he can’t help Brainy, and it makes him sick to his stomach to think that he’s actually making things worse somehow.

If they can really prosecute the people who did this to Brainy, that’s great. The problem is that Jasmin’s wrong; Brainy’s attackers already got away with it. What they did has changed Brainy permanently, and not for the better. Lyle wonders if his friend will ever recover.

“Keep me posted,” he says. “I’ll talk to him about the DNA, Rokk, but not quite yet. He needs some time to get back on his feet before he deals with this sort of thing.”

“Understood,” Rokk agrees. “Also, Invisible Kid, I’m aware that you and Brainy share a… unique relationship. I don’t think it’s wise for Brainy to be alone right now, so if you’re willing, I’ve arranged for a couple’s suite for the two of you to share. I don’t trust Brainy not to try this again and he’s a super-genius; he’ll figure out how to really do it next time. He needs someone with him at all times.”

Lyle inhales sharply at the thought of Brainy trying this again. It’s entirely possible, even likely, that Brainy will just make sure he doesn’t get caught next time. He nods. “That’s probably for the best, Cos. Does the room have two beds?”

“That can be arranged,” Rokk says.

“Good. Okay.” Lyle says. “I’ll be here with him if anyone needs me.”

He goes back to Brainy’s room and takes a seat beside the bed. Mentally, he’s exhausted. He thinks about falling asleep there in the chair, but then he worries that she’ll wake up in the meantime and need him. If there’s nothing else he can do, he at least wants to be there for her. Maybe he can make her feel a little safer.

No one else could ever understand how Lyle feels about Brainy. It’s like a magnetic pull; sometimes he can drag himself away but every time his best friend comes around, Lyle is sucked right back in. At this point, he just can’t imagine his life without Brainy. If she’d actually managed to kill herself, Lyle isn’t sure what he’d do. He wishes he could make Brainy see how much she means to him.

Of course, he can’t claim to understand what Brainy is going through. All he knows is what he can see and surmise, and that’s not much. Brainy keeps things to herself, and Lyle admittedly doesn’t know that much about experiencing an unexpected change in gender, let alone sexual assault. After all of that, Brainy’s got to deal with having a baby too and that has got to mess with a person’s head.

It’s far too early for the pregnancy to be visible, but Lyle finds himself gazing at Brainy’s middle, wondering what the girl will look like in a few months; if she even makes it that far, because at the rate she’s going now, Lyle worries that Brainy’s close to breaking completely.

Leaning back in his chair, he stares up at the ceiling and tries to get comfortable, settling in for a long wait and hoping that this time Brainy won’t wake up screaming.

TBC


	8. Before the Worst

**The Sum of Us**

**Chapter 8: Before the Worst  
**

_We were thinking we would never be apart_

_With your name tattooed across my heart_

_Who would have thought it would end up like this?_

_Where everything we ever knew is gone_

_And the only chance we have for moving on_

_Is trying to take it back before it all went wrong_

_-The Script, “Before the Worst”_

The psychologist takes a seat by her patient’s bedside, ever the professional. She has a kind smile, despite her prim and proper demeanor, and Querl must admit that she has always made him feel comfortable. That’s the only reason he talks to her. He tends to think of therapy as a pointless waste of money and time.

“Querl, it is good to see you again,” Dr. Ryk’rr greets him, “though it’s a shame it couldn’t be under better circumstances.”

Querl is sitting up in his bed in the medical bay; he still hasn’t been released and has been informed that he won’t be until he has spoken with the official Legion mental health specialist. The doctor knows Querl and his general attitude towards such things well, since she has put up with him well in the past. He’ll admit that his talks with Dr. Ryk’rr helped keep him afloat after the incident with his mother.

He nods slightly in greeting to her, because he doesn’t want to be rude, but he doesn’t want to talk either. He keeps his gaze on the wall above her head.

“Dr. Gym’ll informs me that you tried to commit suicide yesterday.” Dr. Ryk’rr is not deterred by Querl’s lack of response. She is definitely a tenacious woman. “It has also been mentioned to me that perhaps you have not yet come to terms with being raped.”

That word makes Querl flinch and his expression turns stony. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Yes, you’ve told me that,” the doctor replies. “I’ve been trying to let you go at your own pace, but unfortunately this has become a dangerous situation. Have you been depressed?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “I suppose.”

“Why have you been depressed, Querl?” She leans towards him, waiting for an answer.

“Because… of what happened,” Querl replies slowly, still unable to look at her face. “That’s why.”

“Tell me what happened,” she urges him. “I want you to tell me in your own words what happened to you.”

Ha, like it’s that easy. Querl huffs in irritation and crosses his arms over his chest. “How long do I have to stay here? I want my clothes back.” The paper gown he is currently dressed in doesn’t make him feel safe. He wants his uniform back. Then at least he wouldn’t feel so vulnerable.

“You are not allowed to leave medical bay until I feel we have reached some sort of understanding, Querl,” the doctor says, so patient and willing to wait out Querl’s stubbornness. “I’m very worried about you. Trying to kill yourself is not something that can be ignored. That tells me that you are not healing or accepting what has happened to you.”

“Accepting?” Querl can’t help sounding incredulous. “How can I accept it? It’s not acceptable. It’s not okay, nothing is okay, I…” He bites his lip, feeling a sudden wave of nausea. “Everyone says they don’t expect me to just be alright again, but they don’t understand. I can’t _explain it_.”

Dr. Ryk’rr is quiet for a moment, maybe trying to give Querl time to collect himself. “What made you want to kill yourself?” she asks finally.

Even Querl can’t really explain what was going through his head. He was just so tired and he’d been desperate for some sort of relief from his suffocating thoughts.

“I realized that what happened to me can’t be repaired. It’s messed everything up and before long, it’s going to take everything that’s important to me. If everything is always going to hurt like this, I want it to be over.”

“What about the baby?” Dr. Ryk’rr asks him. “If you killed yourself, you would be killing your child too.”

“I never wanted to be pregnant,” Querl chokes. He blinks back tears. “I’m male, not female, and I shouldn’t be pregnant. He shouldn’t have been able to do that to me.”

“What did he do?” she asks. “Tell me about it.”

Fine, if she wants to know about it so much, Querl will tell her. He feels suddenly vicious and he wants to lash out, to make her understand somehow that it’s not just a flesh wound he can heal from with a little TLC.

“You want to know?” he demands harshly. “He let that woman change me! He tore my clothes off of me, even though I was fighting him and trying to get away. And then he held me down so I couldn’t fight him, and he shoved his sprocking penis _into me_. I was screaming and crying, and he just kept shoving it in! I couldn’t make him stop. It hurt so much and I couldn’t get him off and then… then I knew he hadn’t used protection. But I’m not a girl… I… Dr. Ryk’rr…”

He realizes that he’s crying and he’s holding himself too tightly. Everything is too much and he’s suddenly terrified. Where is Lyle? He remembers that Lyle found him afterwards and took him home. Lyle held him and kissed him and said that he would make everything alright again. Why didn’t he make things alright?

Querl sobs quietly and bows his head. He feels Dr. Ryk’rr place a hand on his back and soothingly rub the strained muscles. Touch makes his skin crawl but he tries not to let it show.

“I know you’re scared,” the doctor murmurs. “Your feelings are normal. What you went through was terrible. Querl, we’re going to try a little exercise, okay? I want you to repeat after me.”

Sniffing back tears, Querl nods.

“ _I was raped_.”

Querl looks at her and swallows deeply. “I… I was raped,” he says reluctantly. 

“ _And I survived.”_

“And I survived,” he whispers. His heart aches.

“You’re going to be alright,” she tells him. “It’s going to take time and you’re never going to forget it, but I am going to be here for you and all of your friends will be here too. You don’t have to face this alone.”

He nods, even though his throat is still tight and his eyes burn.

The doctor smiles at him. “You’re a remarkable young man, Querl.”

Querl perks up a little and gives her a shy smile in return. “Thank you.”

\--

It doesn’t take long to move Brainy’s personal belongings to the new quarters. Everything Brainy keeps in his room fits into three boxes, whereas Lyle’s own belongings take the better part of a day to transport. Lyle takes it upon himself to arrange the new rooms in a way that seems homey. Brainy’s quarters have always seemed bare and impersonal, but Lyle personally likes to keep a space he can enjoy in his spare time.

When Brainy is finally released from medical bay, Lyle takes her to see the new rooms. The situation has already been explained to her, and she seems to accept that they want to monitor her now. Lyle thinks she’s probably just relieved to be out of medical bay and back in her uniform. Dr. Gym’ll insisted on a pretty thorough exam before he let her leave and Brainy is still holding herself defensively even now that she’s gotten a clean bill of health.

“I thought you might like a place to study,” Lyle tells her as he shows her to the corner of the room that he carefully set up for her. “This way you don’t have to go to the lab if you don’t want to. Dr. Ryk’rr thinks that maybe some peace and quiet would be good for you.”

“You’ll be here,” Brainy says dully. “It’s not the same as having time to myself.”

Lyle sighs heavily. “You know why you can’t be alone, B.”

“Yeah,” she croaks. Her voice is still raw and Lyle can only assume that she was screaming at some point. “You’ll have to check my work. I know you’ve been doing it some anyway, but you should check all of it. I haven’t been completely focused lately.”

“That’s alright, I can check your work for you,” Lyle tells her. He knows that Brainy’s work is one of the few things that can distract her from how she’s been feeling. No one has had the heart to ban her from the labs for the time being, so Lyle has been keeping an eye on her work already anyway. “You just focus on yourself for a while, okay?”

She nods and starts to wander around the room, taking in all of the things Lyle has carefully arranged in it. She pauses at a small shelf where Lyle has set up several of the official awards he found in a box under Brainy’s bed. Her gaze lingers on the trophies and then shifts to a holo image Lyle placed near them.

“This is yours,” she says.

“Yeah, it’s mine,” Lyle agrees. It’s an image of him and Brainy that one of their teammates took at a party a few months ago. They’re both laughing and Lyle has an arm slung around Brainy’s shoulders. Looking at that image, Lyle can see why everyone assumed they were in a relationship at the time.

Brainy shrugs her shoulders. “I didn’t know this picture existed.”

“I know it probably seems silly,” Lyle says nervously. “Spark gave it to me and I just… I like seeing you smile, so I kept it.”

She looks over at him and tries to smile, but still manages to look glum. “It’s not silly. I was happy when that picture was taken. I’m always happy to spend time with you.”

Guilt makes Lyle’s chest ache. “I’m so sorry, B. I didn’t mean to make you remember what happened. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you like that.

“You didn’t take advantage of me.” Brainy moves away from the shelf and goes over to the desk that Lyle has set up for her. She fiddles with some of the little knick knack items Lyle arranged on it. “I asked you to do it and you simply granted my request. I don’t blame you, so you shouldn’t be blaming yourself. You had nothing to do with it.”

“The nightmare,” Lyle persists. “You said you hadn’t had any before that. It’s not a coincidence.”

“Correlation does not equal causation, but I will concede that something about our copulating triggered the memory.” Brainy turns her body fully towards him and leans against the desk. “I’ve had time to think about it now and I suspect that it’s a simple explanation. After orgasm, my mind was fully relaxed and I temporarily lost control of that particular memory.”

She pauses for a moment, her mouth set in a grim line. Then she continues her explanation.

“I seldom dream at all; I’m usually conscious on some level, even while my body is resting. My people use the resting period to exchange thoughts through a connection called the Sleepnet. In lieu of sharing thoughts, I analyze my own. However, the state of relaxation I was in after reaching completion with you sent me into a deeper sleep than normal and I was not the master of my own thoughts.”

Feeling a little faint after that explanation, Lyle sits down on the edge of one of the beds. “Wow. So basically you’re going to have nightmares every time you have sex?”

“Likely,” Brainy agrees. “I’ve employed this coping mechanism for most of my life, as I had not previously considered how post-orgasm sleep would affect it. The most logical course of action is to learn to deal with the memories I’ve repressed, but…” She looks away, perhaps embarrassed. “I must admit that I have no idea how to go about doing that.”

“Can you talk to Dr. Ryk’rr about it?” Lyle asks. “I mean, maybe it’s a dumb question for me to ask, but she’d know, wouldn’t she?”

“She can help. My brain is a little more complicated than most, so even the doctor doesn’t know exactly how to fix it.”

“Super powers, huh? Who needs ‘em?” Lyle grins wryly at his friend and pats the space beside him on the bed. “Come over here, babe.”

Without complaint, Brainy moves over to the bed and sits down beside Lyle. She rests her head against his shoulder with a sigh. “I’m sorry, Lyle. I was an idiot for trying to kill myself. I guess I panicked.”

“It’s a good thing Spark and Cos found you,” Lyle says softly. “You really scared them.”

Brainy huffs grumpily. “Cosmic Boy should mind his own business.”

“I’m glad he was there,” Lyle says stubbornly. “Otherwise I might have lost you.”

He wraps an arm around her and holds her close. She snuggles into the embrace and he feels her relax. Impulsively, he kisses the top of her head.

“I’ve been thinking about the child,” Brainy says. “I’ve been thinking that maybe I should abort the pregnancy after all.”

For some reason, that thought makes Lyle’s heart hurt. It’s Brainy’s choice, of course, and he’d originally thought it would be for the best, but… He’d kind of liked the idea of making a little family with Brainy. He’d rather Brainy was happy and healthy, though.

“We can talk to Dr. Gym’ll about your options,” he murmurs. “I think you should wait a few days and make sure that’s really what you want.”

“How would you feel about it?” Brainy asks. “Would it bother you?”

“I want you to be happy.” Lyle hugs her a little tighter. “What you do with your body is your business, and if you’re not ready for a kid, that’s completely okay. One day, maybe we’ll have our own. Nothing would make me happier than to start a family with you eventually.”

Brainy hums softly. Lyle can only assume that she thinks it’s a good idea, but she doesn’t seem very confident in her child rearing abilities. If he’d been treated the way she was, he thinks he probably wouldn’t be very confident either. As it stands, as much as he wants kids, he’s still not sure he’d be a good dad. He doesn’t really have a working model to go off of.

“Please don’t try to kill yourself again,” he begs. “It’s probably selfish of me but I don’t want to imagine life without you. You’re my best friend.”

She wraps her arms around him in return and squeezes tight. “Just don’t let me fall, Lyle. I’m going to try to get through this but I’m afraid and I know I can’t do it alone. Maybe if you help me, I’ll find a way.”

“Of course, B; I’ll be right here.”

\--

One week later, Querl finally has clearance to be on his own when in the confines of his and Lyle’s quarters. He still has to have an escort if he wants to go anywhere else and he is under constant surveillance, but at least he can have some semblance of privacy again.

Lyle brought him materials from the lab to work on a new force shield belt and Querl keeps himself busy while Lyle is on duty by trying to rebuild the one tool that used to make him feel safe. It’s slow work, since the force shield is very complicated technology. He is immersed in the project when the doors to his quarters suddenly open.

When Querl glances over his shoulder, he sees Cosmic Boy standing in the doorway. The other Legionnaire smiles sheepishly.

“Sorry I didn’t knock, Brainy,” Rokk says. “The door wasn’t locked, so…”

“It’s no matter, I’m not doing anything that requires privacy,” Querl says dismissively. “What did you want, precisely?”

“Um, well, it’s about the case against your attackers, actually.” Rokk steps fully into the room and the doors close behind him. “I was talking to Dr. Gym’ll about it and he mentioned you’re thinking about having an abortion. I need to discuss that with you.”

“Cosmic Boy, I assure you that what goes on within my uterus is absolutely none of your concern,” Querl says sharply, returning his attention to his project. He wonders why Rokk even cares. It’s none of his business. “If you must know, I haven’t reached a decision yet.”

Rokk sighs. “Here’s the thing; we don’t have enough evidence to tie Dram and Zanda to the slave ring, even though we know they’re involved. The other members of the crew won’t testify and neither will the women who were on the ship when we apprehended it. We got Dram and Zanda separately and they weren’t actually on the ship when we took them in. The only way to prove they were on the ship at all is to prove that Dram raped you.”

“What does this have to do with my unborn child?” Querl demands. He doesn’t want to talk to Rokk about being raped and he’s losing patience. “The examination that Dr. Gym’ll conducted should be all the proof you need.”

“It proves you were raped, Brainy,” Rokk replies gently. “If you hadn’t showered beforehand, there would have been DNA, but…”

A chill goes down Querl’s spine. Of course, he should have known that decision would be one that he would come to regret. He’d just needed so badly to clean. “What are you asking of me, Rokk?”

“I’m asking you not to abort the baby.” Rokk looks like he genuinely regrets having to ask, but he’s a good leader and he’s used to having to do the dirty work, which is why he’s here right now and not Jasmin. “I know I’ve got no business making that request. I know it’s your body and you have a right to end the pregnancy if that’s what you want. But if we don’t have anything to tie Dram to the scene of the crime, he and Zanda are going to go free.”

Querl feels his stomach lurch at the thought. “… There would be DNA evidence in the fetus, even after the abortion.”

“Yeah,” Rokk agrees, his tone soft, “but you’re not going to win the affections of a jury that way. You need to be involved in this. You need to press charges and be in the spotlight – make this a big deal – and maybe we’ll get these guys. Otherwise, they get out of jail free and we’ll have no way to restore your old body.”

“Oh…” Querl’s grip on the ratchet he’s using tightens until his knuckles turn white. “… You want me to be involved.”

“I’m sorry. If we want to get these guys, we need you.”

Suddenly, Querl feels vulnerable and he needs Lyle, but Lyle isn’t here. “I’ll think about it,” he agrees reluctantly. “Give me time.”

“You have two days,” Rokk says. “That’s all I can give you. I need to get this case moving.”

When Rokk leaves, Querl finds he is unable to focus on his work. He abandons the force shield belt and just wanders around the room, trying to distract himself and failing. The trophies Lyle has displayed are atrocious and Querl wishes that Lyle hadn’t gotten them out. He’d had them packed away for a reason. The only reason he kept them at all was as physical proof of his accomplishments.

He isn’t sure he is willing to do as Rokk has asked. It isn’t just because Rokk wants him to carry the child to term – he hasn’t made his mind up about that anyway and deciding to end the life of a child is not a choice he is going to make lightly. No, what worries him more than that is the prospect of going public with the whole affair. It’s humiliating enough already without the whole universe knowing.

What Rokk wants him to do is play the helpless, knocked up girl. It would be a shameful role to play even if Querl was actually female. He imagines that Ayla or Imra would probably punch Rokk in the face for even suggesting it. Querl’s not sure he could even pull it off. Just because he’s technically female right now doesn’t mean he knows anything about being a girl.

Going over to the mirror of the far wall of the room, he observes his reflection critically. Yes, he’s still very much female. The breasts are a dead giveaway, but Lyle doesn’t want him to bind them. At least he has a supply of bras now. Ayla brought him an assorted collection a couple of days ago. The one he’s currently wearing itches. He adjusts it, trying to make it more comfortable, but to no avail.

 _Breasts_ ; before he actually owned a pair of them, they’d always been fascinating to Querl. Sprock, a girl with a nice set of breasts is like a boy with a great ass. Then there’s Andromeda – she has great breasts _and_ a great ass. Only logical that she became a nun, of course.

But as breasts go, Querl can observe that he himself now owns a fairly smashing set. He narrows his eyes at his reflection and impulsively reaches up to unzip his uniform top. Ah, the teenage years when he would have paid money to see Andromeda’s breasts, even covered by a bra.

He kicks off his boots and then strips off his uniform entirely. Naked except for his undergarments, he puts his hands on his hips and stares hard at the image reflected back at him. On the surface, he sees a girl; a girl that could turn a few heads, maybe. But there’s still him, awkward and very male, lurking just below the feminine features. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t fake a sweet smile. All of his attempts look bizarre and he eventually gives up.

Dr. Ryk’rr has been talking to him about “getting to know” his new body. She suggested “exploration.” Querl doesn’t like the idea of masturbating as a girl. It was always a messy process when he was male anyway. He shudders at the thought of touching his new anatomy, but he doesn’t feel like putting his uniform back on. He really is just tired of covering it all up. Maybe he should just accept that his body is different now and that he might not ever be restored to his true form.

He can appreciate Sensor’s struggles with her new body better now. Everyone talks about how beautiful Sensor is, but she sees herself as a freak. Querl sympathizes.

What if he’s stuck in this body? If he goes through with the pregnancy, he’s at least stuck this way for nearly eight more months. He doesn’t like the idea of being female that long. But if he doesn’t do what Rokk suggests, there might be no chance of ever getting Zanda to change him back.

When Lyle comes back that evening, Querl is still undressed. He’s sitting at his desk, working on his belt, as though there is nothing at all unusual about it.

“How was your day?” Lyle asks without looking at him. Then the other boy pauses and looks over at Querl. “… Why are you in your underwear?”

“I didn’t feel like wearing my uniform,” Querl says casually.

“Okay, but you could have put on something else,” Lyle says.

“These undergarments cover all the socially unacceptable areas.” Querl does not bother turning his attention from his belt. “In fact, Lyle, I have been told by Dr. Ryk’rr that I should get to know my new body. It has also recently come to my attention that I need to press charges against my attackers and draw attention to the case by playing up my current position as an abused, pregnant young woman seeking justice for the wrongs committed against me. So I am attempting to become comfortable with viewing my body in its current state.”

He hears Lyle sigh heavily. Querl watches his friend out of the corner of his eye.

“Who told you that you needed to do that?” Lyle asks.

“Cosmic Boy came by earlier and requested that I become more involved. He also said I should reconsider aborting the pregnancy, as I will be able to garner more support from the public if I go through with having the child.”

“Sprocking hell, Cos.” Lyle goes over to the wardrobe and noisily opens drawers. He walks over to Querl’s desk and lays a pair of pajamas on top of the belt. “Put those on, please.”

Querl stares at the pajamas for a long moment, struggling to control his temper. “I just told you my reasons for being unclothed,” he says.

“They’re dumb reasons,” Lyle says bluntly. “You’re not even looking at yourself. You’re working on a project. So what you just said to me is total bullshit. Look at me, Brainy.”

He doesn’t look at Lyle, because he doesn’t want to and Lyle has no right telling him what to do.

“ _Brainy_.”

Finally, Querl looks up at Lyle. “What?” he snips.

“Put your clothes on.” Lyle’s expression is tolerant but weary.

Querl grabs the clothes and stands up from his seat, quickly dressing but glaring at Lyle the whole time. When he’s fully clothed once more, he sits back down. “I’ve decided not to have an abortion.”

“I gathered.” Lyle pats his shoulder comfortingly. “You didn’t want to have one anyway.”

“No, I didn’t,” Querl admits quietly. He’s been struggling to convince himself that it’s the right thing to do but he just can’t reconcile himself to the thought of killing a baby. “I’m not ready for a kid, Lyle.”

Lyle shrugs his shoulders. “Me neither. But we’ll figure this out. Between the two of us, we can handle it.”

“I don’t like being pregnant.” Querl pushes his chair away from the desk, rolling over to the mirror. “You know how I feel about magic. It’s not logical that the sorceress was able to transform my body like this, and yet here I am, completely transformed. More than that, I’m… pregnant.”

He hasn’t started to show, but it’s too early. In a couple more months, it will be obvious. The other Legionnaires are going to find out and that’s just more drama. Then the case, if he goes through with it, will reveal to everyone that the child is the result of rape.

“I need them to stay behind bars. If I don’t press charges, if I don’t provide a connection to the slave trade, they’ll go free. There’s no way I can move on with my life knowing that they’re out there. It’s already bad, Lyle. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go on missions again. The more I think about it, the more I think I should already be turning in my resignation from the Legion. I’m not fit to serve.”

“The Legion needs you,” Lyle replies. “Nobody said it was going to be easy, B, but you have to try. You can’t let this beat you.”

That’s so much easier said than done. Right now, Querl feels like he’s helplessly adrift in an ocean, with no chance of regaining control or even finding the shore again. He’s not sure if he’ll ever regain the confidence he once held in his own abilities as a Legionnaire.

“If it does beat me, what will you do?” he asks, staring at Lyle’s reflection next to his. “Will you let me go?”

“Never,” Lyle says firmly. His eyes flash with passionate anger. “Don’t you give up on me, Brainy, don’t you dare. I’ll never forgive you. I will hang onto you until there’s nothing left to hold.”

Querl regards his friend wearily. “That’s not fair of you.”

“I never said it was,” Lyle replies.

So Querl still has something tying him to the universe, to the Legion, and he knows that whether he likes it or not, he’ll have to keep fighting, if only for Lyle’s sake.

TBC


	9. Clouds in Your Eyes

_The clouds in your eyes,_

_Down your face they pour._

_Won’t you be the new one, burn to shine?_

_I take the blue ones every time._

_Walk me down your broken line._

_All you have to do is cry._

**_-Joshua Radin, “Closer”_ **

Lyle has trouble sleeping in the same room as Brainy. He hasn’t said a word about it to his friend, but he lays awake at night, just listening to the girl breathing. He acutely feels the distance between them, too far and too close at the same time. If he entertains any thoughts of Brainy’s body pressed close to his own, moving in rhythm with him, he feels guilty. In the four weeks since they started living together, Lyle has not been able to masturbate, not even when he’s totally alone, because he can’t help thinking about Brainy when he does.

So he lies awake in the middle of the night, staring at the ceiling, trying not to think about the girl who sleeps peacefully a few feet away. Brainy hasn’t had a nightmare since that first one, which makes Lyle think that it definitely had to be the sex that triggered it. Sure, maybe it was the state of peace she was in after reaching orgasm, but that still makes Lyle responsible. He is disgusted with himself for causing her more pain. Hasn’t she suffered enough already?

Lately, he’s noticed that Brainy’s body is changing. She has complained about her clothes being a little tight, though most people wouldn’t notice the weight gain. Her normally flat belly is just barely rounded; the baby is finally making its presence known to people who know what to look for.

Brainy hasn’t said anything about the baby being the cause of her weight gain. Lyle suspects that it makes her uncomfortable, so he doesn’t mention it either. By now, it’s been well established that Brainy isn’t going to have an abortion but Lyle has no clue what Brainy expects to do with a baby once it’s born. It’s not like Brainy to be unprepared, but Lyle knows she is still struggling just to accept that she is pregnant at all.

He thinks that if Brainy has a nightmare again, he’ll go to her and hold her to keep the bad dreams away. It would be an excuse to sleep by her side more than anything else. These days, Lyle is very lonely.

In her sleep, Brainy rolls over on her back, her body sprawled across the mattress. She snores too, which would annoy Lyle if it wasn’t so darn cute. There’s nothing feminine or vulnerable about the way Brainy holds herself in her sleep; she is just the same as she has always been, all boy and peaceful.

Tomorrow, Lyle thinks to himself, he will bring her something nice; maybe flowers or chocolates, even though she’ll laugh at him for it. It would be nice to hear her laugh. He imagines the twinkle in her eyes as she tells him how useless and sappy his present is. Maybe she’ll reward him with a kiss.

He watches Brainy for a while longer, noting that her hand has moved to press against her belly protectively. Finally, determined to get a little sleep, Lyle rolls over to face the wall and tries to block out the sound of Brainy’s snoring.

\--

Querl is pressing charges against his attackers. His claim is that Zanda used magic against him in a harmful manner that left him vulnerable to attack, and that Dram followed this with sexual assault. This is all true, but the lawyer that Mr. Brande has arranged for him to talk to is critical of the wording.

“Someone is going to say, ‘how is it harmful for her to turn you into a girl?’” the man tells him. “How are you going to respond to that? You risk alienating supporters if you claim that it has had a negative impact on your psyche, and there will be people who say that you should have been able to defend yourself in whatever form. You’re a Legionnaire, after all.”

Picking at the material of his uniform, Querl looks away. “The facts are the facts; it negatively impacted my psyche _and_ left me vulnerable. I was tripping over my own shoes; there was no way I could have fought back at that point with any measure of success.”

The lawyer shrugs his shoulders. “Ms. Dox, you asked for my professional opinion.”

“Mr. Dox,” Querl corrects calmly. “I am legally male and I prefer to be addressed as such.”

“I have a strategy for this case, but you need to work with me,” the lawyer claims. “If that means being _Ms._ for awhile instead of _Mr._ , surely you are prepared to make that sacrifice.”

Sacrifices, sacrifices. Everyone acts like Querl hasn’t made enough of those already. He’s tired of making sacrifices. All he wants is a little justice, and doesn’t he deserve that after what happened to him? The legal system is illogical, he thinks. Perhaps he should attempt to rework it and present his research to the United Planets.

“Very well, Mr. Jorge, I leave it in your capable hands,” Querl says, slightly exasperated. “Tell me what you think I should do and I will trust in your abilities, since you did come with high recommendations from Mr. Brande.”

“I am to give this case all of my attention until it is resolved,” the lawyer, Jorge, says to Querl. “For now, I think it would be best if you made a few appearances. There is a new library on Earth that I have been informed is being named in your honor. Mr. Brande and I both feel you should attend the opening ceremony and the honorary banquet afterwards. You should take Mr. Norg with you. I’ve also put together a small list of things you can do to make the process more efficient.”

He slides a paper folder across the table to Querl, which Querl takes and thumbs through, only marginally interested. “I am not known for making public appearances, Mr. Jorge.”

“This is part of our angle,” Jorge claims. “When asked, you will inform any reporters that you are attempting to reclaim your life after your traumatic ordeal, and that it is your utmost desire to once again feel safe enough to return to your duties in the Legion.”

Querl frowns at the list he finds inside the folder. “You want me to grow my hair out?”

“Optional,” says Jorge, “but it would be helpful if you could at least style it in a more feminine manner.”

“I don’t style my hair,” Querl says flatly. “I wash it, I brush it, and when it gets too long, I have it trimmed.”

“Trust me on this one,” the lawyer insists. “You want to look like someone the public will sympathize with. This is a high profile case, but if the public wants justice for you, the legal system will be more inclined to do its job. Furthermore, there will be more funding for continuing the sex trafficking case. What happened to you was terrible, but you’re not the only one. As of now, we believe there are several thousand women who have been exploited by these people. You need to step up to the plate and insist on an investigation, on the recovery of these women, and for measures to be taken to prevent this from happening in the future.”

With a sigh, Querl closes the folder. “I’ll consider all of this. You have to give me time to make a decision.”

“Your leader, Ms. Cullen, also asked that I impress on you the importance of the child you are currently carrying,” Jorge says. “That baby could be the key to this case. You need to show that you are prepared to take care of it once it is born, and that you love it despite the circumstances. Take excellent care of yourself and make sure that the public is aware of your intentions to raise the child in a stable home with the help of your boyfriend. Maybe it would help if you and Mr. Norg announced that you are engaged to be married.”

“We’re not engaged to be married.” Querl frowns deeply. He doesn’t want this case to impact his relationship with Lyle any more than it already has. “I don’t know how Lyle would feel about that.”

“Talk it over with him. Contact me again when you’ve made some decisions. In the meantime, I’ll press charges and get things underway. Take care of yourself for now, Ms. Dox.”

He holds his hand out to shake.

“If you won’t address me as _Mr.,_ please just call me Querl.” Shaking the lawyer’s hand, Querl fixes him with a stern look. “You may also call me Brainiac 5, if all else fails.”

\--

“He wants us to get married?” Lyle is incredulous when Querl fills him in on the conversation he had with the lawyer. “Brainy, we can’t go along with this. You’re being taken advantage of; they want to make a big publicity thing out of what happened to you! That’s not okay. You were hurt and you deserve real justice, not this _crap_.”

Querl takes a deep breath, trying to remain calm and logical. “There are others who’ve suffered far worse than what I did. I have the opportunity to help them. Mr. Brande would not allow all of this unless he thought it was for a good reason. Maybe that’s why this happened to me in the first place. Maybe I’m supposed to fix this.”

They’re alone in their room, where they can openly talk about such matters. Many Legionnaires still don’t know what happened, but they’ll know soon enough. Querl has considered sending out a memo about it before the rumor mill gets too crazy.

“I know that, B, it’s just…” Lyle looks at Querl helplessly. “I love you so much, you know that? I want to marry you one day, but I want that to be when we’re both ready and not because we’re trying to look good in the eyes of the public.”

“You want to marry me one day, though?” Querl asks, feeling a little nervous about asking such a question. Before this, he’d never really thought about marriage and children. It’s not that crazy, though. Tinya and Jo are married, and Garth and Imra are technically engaged. Maybe it wouldn’t be terrible to be married. They could stay here on Legion World and raise the child without having to move; for a while, anyway.

“Of course.” Lyle leans over and kisses his cheek. “I brought you a present.”

“Oh?” Querl tries not to look too pleased about that, but he can’t hide a smile. “A present?”

Lyle takes out a ring box and presents it to Querl. “It’s not an engagement ring. I just want you to have your own Legion ring again.”

The box is small, and so is the ring inside it. Querl observes it critically, but he doesn’t feel as grateful to Lyle as he should. “It’s tiny.”

“It should fit,” Lyle says, taking the ring from Querl. He carefully slides it onto Querl’s finger. “There, see?”

“Great.” Querl lets his hand fall to his side and looks away from Lyle. “Thank you, I suppose.”

Being given this ring for his smaller, female fingers bothers Querl. It makes this change seem more permanent, somehow. Obviously, Lyle thinks it’s going to last long enough for Querl to need a Legion ring that fits. What happens if Querl gets his old body back? He lost his original ring and his belt buckle.

“You’re upset,” Lyle says and he looks worried. “Hey, B… It’s okay. This is just temporary. I just want you to be safe.”

Querl clenches his hands into fists. “It makes me so angry that I have to be like this, in this body. I want my life back. This isn’t fair.”

“We’re going to get your old body back,” Lyle promises, cupping Querl’s face in his hands. “It’s going to be okay. You and I are going to get through this together.”

Still feeling bitter and defensive, Querl says, “Sometimes I think you’d rather I stayed like this.”

Lyle draws back, looking wounded. He looks away from Querl for a moment, and then walks over to the table beside his bed. Opening the drawer, he takes something out and then turns back to Querl, his expression solemn. “I found this when I was looking for you that day. I didn’t give it back to you right away because I didn’t want to make you think about what happened.”

He lifts the item up for Querl to see, a chain that holds another golden ring that is identical to the new one on Querl’s hand except for the size.

“My ring,” Querl murmurs, shocked to see it again. He’d thought it was lost forever, like everything else he lost that day; his virginity, his gender, the technology that kept him safe, his Legion uniform, and the belt buckle and ring that marked him as an official Legionnaire. Now, here is a small piece of it back.

“I kept it for you,” Lyle says. He unclasps the chain and fastens it around Querl’s neck. The ring rests comfortably against Querl’s chest. “At first, I thought maybe we could catch Zanda and make her change you back, so I was just going to wait to give it to you, but things didn’t work out that way. I shouldn’t have kept it from you, I know, but I was worried about you.”

Querl reaches up to touch the ring. It seems so big now compared to the ring he’s currently wearing. “I thought it was gone.”

“Nope, I saved it.” Lyle grins at him. “B, I know things are hard right now but I just want you to know that it doesn’t matter what gender you are, I’m still going to love you. We’re going to get everything set straight and then you and I are going to be happy together. Okay?”

He leans in and kisses Querl so thoroughly that it leaves Querl a little breathless. Then he pulls back, looking sheepish and somehow gorgeous at the same time, his cheeks flushed. His freckles stand out against his pale skin, and his brown curls frame his face, making him look just a little prettier than boys are supposed to look. Even the silly headband looks so perfectly _Lyle_ that Querl can’t help but love it.

“… I wish I was male,” Querl murmurs, placing his hands against Lyle’s chest to feel the muscles there. “You have no idea what I’d like to do to you.”

Lyle laughs and wraps his arms around Querl, pulling him close. “Why, Brainy, I’m surprised at you. Don’t tell me you’ve been imagining doing unspeakable things to me. And here I’ve been sleeping just on the other side of the room, thinking I was totally safe.”

“Hmm. Maybe you shouldn’t be sleeping on the other side of the room.” Querl can’t help grinning against Lyle’s shoulder.

“Is that an invitation?” Lyle asks.

“To _sleep_ ,” Querl reminds him, laughing as he pulls away. “Pervert.”

“No worse than you,” the other boy says.

Well, that’s probably true. Querl spends the rest of the evening trying to watch Lyle discretely without the other boy noticing. For now, he’s not willing to give sex another try, but when he gets his real body back, he decides that he knows exactly how he’ll celebrate the occasion.

\--

They have a couple of weeks to just relax before the opening ceremony for that library that’s being named in Brainy’s honor. They get used to living with each other during that time. Lyle sleeps far better when he’s in the same bed with Brainy, and it turns out that Brainy sleeps well with another person too. Instead of sprawling across the bed like she normally does, she curls up against Lyle’s chest and sleeps peacefully. She still snores, though, and Lyle kind of loves that.

The morning of the ceremony, Lyle hates to wake Brainy up. She looks so serene when she’s asleep, and he lets her stay that way for an hour longer than he really should, just lying in bed with Brainy asleep on top of him. Finally, he sighs and starts to wake her up, gently shaking her shoulder.

“Up and at ‘em, B,” he urges as he carefully crawls out of bed, trying not to jostle her too much.

Brainy groans and rolls over, burying her head in the pillow. When Lyle pokes her, she doesn’t respond.

“Brainy… Get up…”

“It’s too early,” the super genius says, her words muffled by the pillow. “Five more minutes.”

“We have to be on Earth in three hours,” Lyle says, dragging the blankets off of her. “Besides, I already let you sleep in. Now, up!”

The girl turns her head to look at him, sticking out her lower lip in a pout. “Lyle… I don’t want to go. I want to stay here and sleep. Come back to bed and snuggle with me.”

Lyle arches an eyebrow at her, amused. “I’m going to assume that’s pregnancy hormones starting to kick in. Snuggle time is over, Honey Bee. You and I have to go and be nice to people with cameras for a while.”

“Honey Bee?” Brainy questions, at last pushing herself up to a sitting position. Her hair is tousled, sticking up in odd places, and she still looks half asleep. “Does this mean I have to come up with an endearing nickname for you too?”

“Um, how about I come up with one myself and let you borrow it?” Lyle suggests, because he has a feeling that Brainy isn’t very good at coming up with endearing names – or names of any sort, really. He thinks about Koko briefly and grins. “Come on, you need to try on these new clothes.”

The morning before, a package from Mr. Brande came for them, with a letter instructing them that the clothes within it are intended for the ceremony they are attending today. As Lyle pulls on the new blue jeans, he notes that they fit really well. The T-shirt that goes with them is black and has his Invisible Kid “i” on the front. It seems a little cheesy, but he supposes it’s a way to make sure people recognize him.

“Shower first,” Brainy mumbles, dragging herself out of bed and to the shower.

It takes another hour before they’ve dressed, had breakfast, and they are ready to make the trip to Earth. Brainy isn’t happy about going to this library thing. For one, she’s terribly embarrassed that they’ve named a library after her. For another, she’s nervous about playing this role that the lawyer, Mr. Jorge, wants her to play. She’s dressed in fairly feminine attire, and the formfitting purple shirt she’s wearing accentuates the slight roundness of her belly. That makes her uncomfortable and she fidgets with the shirt all through their flight to Earth, trying to make her current condition less obvious.

“I didn’t think I was showing much,” she admits quietly to Lyle. “I’m not really comfortable going out in public like this.”

“Relax,” Lyle instructs. He takes her hand in his and smiles to reassure her. “I’ll be with you the whole time.”

Mr. Brande is waiting for them when their ship docks. He claps Lyle’s shoulder and smiles sadly at Brainy, opening his arms to offer her a hug but not initiating contact himself. “It’s good to see you, boys. By damn, Querl, I think you’re glowing.”

Brainy blushes and gives the man a quick hug. “I’m not glowing, Mr. Brande…”

“Don’t argue with an old man, child, I know these things,” Mr. Brande insists good naturedly. He ruffles Brainy’s hair. “Before we head to the library, I wanted to talk to you lads about something. Come now, there’s a cab waiting for us; we’ll have a talk at my office.”

In the cab, Brainy sits close to Lyle, their shoulders touching. She’s embarrassed to learn that Mr. Brande thinks pregnancy looks good on her. The old man means well, but maybe he doesn’t realize how sensitive Brainy is about being pregnant. Or maybe Brande just has his own ideas about how the matter should be handled. While Mr. Brande’s tactics are sometimes questionable, he is usually proved right in the end.

“You know, Querl, that you are as much a son to me as Luornu is a daughter,” Brande tells Brainy. “I’m looking after you, of course. The lawyer I sent to you is one of the best that money can buy. He will make sure this whole situation is properly dealt with – and what he can’t fix for you can be fixed easily with the right amount of credits.”

“You don’t need to buy this case for me,” Brainy objects. “As for the lawyer, I appreciate that, but he wants me to help draw attention to the sex trafficking that those pirates were involved in.”

“My idea,” Brande says cheerfully. “We can’t allow this sort of thing to continue, can we? You have the opportunity to save thousands of women and girls from a terrible fate. I raised you to do great things in this universe, and you’ve made an old man proud so far. Don’t disappoint me now and let this chance pass you by.”

Unable to argue with her guardian, Brainy curls in on herself defensively, her shoulders hunched, and it quiet for the rest of the ride to Brande’s office.

When they arrive at Brande’s office, the old man locks the door behind them, as though he is worried about someone listening in on the conversation. He motions for Lyle and Brainy to have a seat in the chairs in front of his desk.

“Boys, I haven’t discussed this with anyone else,” he says authoritatively. “I expect the knowledge you learn today will stay safely locked in your heads and you won’t see the need to share it with anyone else; not even your teammates. Are we agreed?”

“Of course,” Brainy says, nodding her head.

“You can trust us, Mr. Brande,” Lyle adds. “What’s going on?”

He has a sudden terrible feeling that Mr. Brande is going to say that he’s dying or something. Well, he’s an old man, right? Lyle has no real idea how old Mr. Brande is, exactly, but he’s no spring chicken, that’s for sure. If Mr. Brande dies, the Legion will lose its biggest supporter. The U.P. will try to take control or shut them down, and they’ll all have to retire to avoid being made into the U.P.’s extended police force.

“Relax, lad,” Mr. Brande says to Lyle, a twinkle in his eyes. “You look pale. My news is not terrible news, it’s just secret. Now, you both know that I am a wealthy man, do you not?”

“Wealthy is not the word I would use,” Brainy says, “but we’re aware, yes.”

“Very good,” the old man says. “I am, of course, leaving my collective fortunes to the Legion when I reach the end of this life. It will be enough to make our little team financially independent for quite a while. However, there are some Legionnaires who deserve a little more than that from me and I wish to discuss that with you, specifically, Querl. You are my smartest child, by far, and I know you will guard this knowledge and see that my wishes are carried out in the event of my death.”

Brainy looks startled. “But, Mr. Brande, surely you have people other than me to take care of such matters. I… I’m not qualified. I’m just… just…”

“I have made up my mind,” Mr. Brande says firmly. “Now, first and foremost… You should know that I keep secrets from all of you, often because I am a selfish old man. In truth, I arranged for my own son to join the Legion many years ago. He does not know he is my son, but he is very important to me. Reep should know the truth one day, and I will leave him in charge of my estates, as is his right.”

“Cham?” Lyle knows his jaw just hit the floor. “Chameleon is your son?”

“I have been a poor father to him,” Mr. Brande says with a sigh, turning to look out the office window. “You have been a good friend to him, Lyle. Keep my secret a while longer.”

“But how is it possible?” Lyle has to ask. “How can you be Cham’s father?”

“I am Durlan. There is a very long story about how this all came to pass, and you will read about it one day. One day, my Legionnaires will know all about me. You have all made me very proud and you will be rewarded.”

 Mr. Brande turns back to them and smiles broadly. “Now, as to my founding Legionnaires, I have left them each a special reward for making my dream come true. And Querl, my lad, and Luornu; you do not take second place to Reep simply because you are not my children by blood. Reep will be in charge of my estates, but you and Luornu will each have your own portion of my funds and I will see to it that you never want for anything. I am telling you that you can blow up as many labs as you want to, lad, and you will always have the credits to build another.”

“Mr. Brande…” Brainy looks like she might faint. She grips the arms of the chair she’s sitting in like a lifeline. “This is very generous of you, but I’m not sure I deserve it.”

“You have more than earned it, but I always intended to do right by you,” Mr. Brande says firmly. “I want you to also know that Colu will never bother you again. I have seen to it that they have no claim to you or to any children of yours; not that they had much claim to you in the first place, mind you. The Dox line has been officially declared as being part of the United Planets, in recognition for services rendered by yourself and your ancestors.”

Lyle looks over at Brainy, worried that she’s becoming a little overwhelmed. He notices something glistening in her eyes. “Brainy, are you crying?”

“D-damn hormones,” Brainy declares, rubbing at her eyes. “Mr. Brande, I don’t know how to thank you.”

“You can thank me by taking proper care of my grandchild.” Mr. Brande fixes Brainy with a stern look. “I expect you to be a good parent.”

Brainy ducks her head, nodding slightly while she keeps her gaze fixed on her shoes. “Of course I will look out for the child to the best of my abilities. It’s just that I don’t really know what to do with it. I never planned on having children, especially not right now – my work is going to suffer. I had thought I would be continuing my career for another twenty years or so, maybe longer –“

“Unfortunately, things happen in our lives that we are not always prepared for,” the old man says, but his tone is not nearly as gentle as Lyle thinks it should be. It’s like Mr. Brande is being critical of Brainy, and that’s hardly fair, considering what she’s been through. “You are smart enough to handle this situation. It has come to my attention that you have experienced some serious setbacks. I don’t want to hear about any more suicide attempts, do you understand?”

“Yes, Mr. Brande.” Brainy is tense and she still hasn’t looked up from her shoes. “I don’t have any plans to try again…”

“You will promise me that you will never even entertain the notion again. Your life is far too important for you to just throw it away. Do you realize how much you would hurt everyone around you? Did it occur to you that your actions were purely selfish and that I have taught you to be better than that? What you tried to do to your teammates was no better than what your mother did to you. What you nearly did to your unborn child was far worse.”

It’s hard for Lyle to watch Brainy shrink more and more under her guardian’s criticism. He knows that Mr. Brande means well, but Brainy is so fragile right now and she has been hurt enough.

“I just… I thought it would be better, I…”

Brainy is obviously struggling to explain herself, but Lyle knows it’s a lost cause. When she tried to kill herself, she wasn’t in her right mind, and so there is no point trying to make the action seem logical. It was illogical in its very nature.

“Querl… My child, I know you have been hurt terribly.” Mr. Brande looks so sympathetic now, so completely understanding, it’s as though he is no stranger to dealing with this sort of trauma. “What happened to you is done and there isn’t anything that any of us can do to change that. You have to put yourself back together now and keep going.”

“Yes, sir,” Brainy mumbles, raising one hand to rub her eyes again. “I understand.”

“Alright then,” says Mr. Brande. “I believe we have a library to open, don’t we?”

\--

The library is called the “Dox Library for Gifted Youths.” It’s a public library that focuses on helping young people expand their knowledge. Querl sort of likes the idea, even though he had nothing to do with its invention and doesn’t understand why they want to name it after him. He knows he has fans – all Legionnaires have some fans – but he’s always thought of himself as one of the lesser known members, and not a very likeable one at that. He’s almost flattered, really, but mostly he’s just confused and a little overwhelmed. The library is huge and state of the art. It’s the sort of place that Querl could happily get lost in for days at a time. To think that something like this has been made in his honor is truly astounding.

He keeps thinking about how disappointed Mr. Brande is in him for trying to commit suicide. It’s not like Mr. Brande hasn’t been disappointed in him before. In fact, Querl often does things that disappoint the people most important to him. It’s just that now that he’s thinking a little clearer, he’s amazed with himself, and ashamed. The terrifying truth is that he almost managed it. And as smart as Querl is, he still can’t say what happens to people when they die. He’s definitely not ready to find out.

There are reporters and cameras waiting when they arrive. A mob of people has already gathered outside of the building and Querl can hear the noise they’re all making from inside the cruiser. Lyle pats his shoulder and offers to get out first.

“Stay close to me and I’ll keep you safe,” the other boy promises.

A cheer goes up when Lyle steps out, clearly identifiable by his trademark headband and the symbol on his shirt, not to mention his Legion belt buckle. He waves to the crowd before turning back to Querl and holding out his hand. Querl nervously takes it and allows Lyle to draw him out into the open.

A hush goes over the crowd almost immediately and Querl knows why. These people don’t know about his transformation – or they didn’t until now. Suddenly cameras are clicking and reporters are surging forward, shoving microphones towards them and asking dozens of questions.

“Brainiac 5, is there something the public should know?”

“Excuse me, Invisible Kid, is your companion really Brainiac 5 or is this a publicity stunt?”

“Brainiac 5, can you comment on your apparent gender reassignment? Was this a conscious decision you made, to change your gender?”

“Did you have a little mishap in the lab, Mr. Dox?”

Querl ducks his head and mutters, “No comment.”

“Everybody, back off and give us some room!” Lyle demands as he loses his temper with the reporters. He wraps an arm around Querl’s waist protectively and forces the people around them to back off and let them through. Finally, they manage to make it to the podium that has been set up in front of the library for Querl.

Lyle kisses Querl’s cheek tenderly as they stand with their backs to the crowd. “Just stay calm, B. You can do this.”

Mr. Brande comes up beside them and pats Querl’s shoulder. “You can handle this, lad. It’s just a little publicity.”

For a moment, Querl is so grateful that Mr. Brande still calls him “lad” that his eyes burn, but he holds back the tears that want to come and he tries to compose himself. He’s been preparing himself all day for the moment when he has to step up to the podium and tell his story to all of these people, but he’s still not ready for it.

“You have to do this,” says Mr. Brande. His voice sounds sort of distant and Querl feels sort of numb. That’s not normal. The old man keeps talking. “Just imagine them all in their underwear; works every time for me.”

Querl walks away from his protectors on autopilot and takes his place behind the podium. He rests his hands against it and stares at them for a long moment before taking a deep breath and looking up at the crowd.

He catches his breath. There are so many people here to see him and now they’re all looking at him, expecting and explanation. What is he supposed to tell them? He was weak, he was stupid, he didn’t react in time and now he’s all messed up and turned inside out, that’s the answer to all the questions these people have. But he’s their hero. How can he tell them that a hero couldn’t keep something like that from happening?

Someone, presumably from the library, comes over and fastens a microphone to Querl’s shirt before stepping back. Then there is silence as everyone waits for Querl to speak.

“Hello, everyone,” he says finally, and he winces because he can hear how high and feminine his voice is. He’s gotten used to it but it suddenly bothers him again. It’s wrong – he shouldn’t sound like a girl. “I want to thank you for coming out today. And I want to say thanks for this wonderful library, which will be an invaluable resource for many young people who want to better themselves. I don’t feel worthy. It should be the ‘Norg Library for Gifted Youths,’ because Lyle is someone who worked hard to get where he is and that’s not me. I was born this way. I don’t deserve any awards or buildings named in my honor just for being smart.”

Everyone is silent, though Querl thinks that they probably should have responded somehow by now. He takes another deep breath and tells himself to stay calm.

“You’re probably all wondering about my appearance.” His voice wavers just a little. “The truth is that I recently experienced a very traumatic event and this caused me to withdraw from my duties for the time being. What happened was… very bad.”

He quickly scans the crowd and he sees many children. He’ll have to try not to be too explicit.

“The Legion has been working on a case involving what we thought was money extortion. Unfortunately, we were wrong. It was, in fact, a sentient trafficking ring. I was detained on an enemy ship, where an individual with transmuting abilities changed my body to that of a female. I was the assaulted in a… very personal manner by another individual on this ship. Luckily, Invisible Kid came to my aid shortly thereafter and we were both able to return to the Legion, but the damage had been done.

 I… I cannot begin to describe what I went through and what it felt like. But I decided that I didn’t want that to rule my life. Here I am, talking to you all today, and I want you to know that the people who did this to me are in custody and I am pressing charges against them. It is my intention to put them away for the rest of their lives, and to put a stop to their illegal activities, so that others won’t have to go through what I did. So I’m telling you all that the investigation into this sentient trafficking is very important, and it’s worth the money it will cost. Thank you all for the library. I hope you will continue to support me in the days to come.”

There, it’s all out in the open now. Querl takes a deep breath and steps back. He feels someone’s hands on his shoulders, steadying him, and he turns to see Lyle standing beside him. The other boy smiles and nods to him.

“You were great, B.”

Someone in the crowd starts to clap, all alone, and then it seems to infect the rest of the crowd and applause goes up. Querl looks away from all of them, turning his gaze to his shoes. Why are they clapping? The sheer volume of noise makes his head hurt.

“Can I go home now?” he asks.

Mr. Brande pats his shoulder. “Of course, my boy. You did well. Now, let’s get you back to the cruiser, shall we?”

Lyle and Mr. Brande keep the crowds and the reporters away from Querl as they bustle him back to the cruiser. Querl holds his breath until he is safely inside the vehicle. When Mr. Brande and Lyle climb in on either side of him and shut the doors, Querl finally breathes. And then everything that he has been holding back comes surging forward and he lets out a wail, bending over to press his forehead against his knees as he cries.

“Oh, Brainy, don’t cry.” Lyle’s hands rub his back, smooth and gentle over Querl’s tense muscles. “It’s alright. You did fine and it’s over now.”

“Everyone will know!” Querl objects through his tears. Anger swells inside him. “All of my friends and everyone I ever respected! Sprock! It’s not fair!”

Sobbing, he threads his fingers into his hair, clutching and pulling, trying to use the pain in his scalp as a way to distance himself from the pain in his chest.

“Brainy, stop,” Lyle says. He grasps Querl’s hands and forces his fingers to uncurl. Then he pulls Querl up and holds him against his chest. “You have to stop this. You have to keep going. When you let this stuff hurt you, you’re letting those bastards win, do you hear me? Don’t let them win. You are so strong and you’re going to be just fine.”

Querl sags against Lyle and just cries into the fabric of his partner’s shirt, wishing that everything didn’t hurt so damn much. If he was as strong as Lyle thinks he is, wouldn’t he be able to push away all of this and just do what’s right without worrying about his own comfort? He should be willing to put it all on the line to stop this sex trafficking business, but all he wants to do is find somewhere quiet and isolated so he can hide away.

Really, has he ever been a hero?

TBC


	10. Let Me Down

**The Sum of Us**

**Chapter 10: Let Me Down**

_How my love, it spins me round._

_And how my love, it lets me down._

_And how my thoughts, they spin me round._

_And how my thoughts, they let me down._

**_-Greg Laswell, “And Then You”_   
**

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Querl scowls, eyes blazing, daring Rokk to push him any further. Pregnant or not, he’s certain he can still kick Rokk’s ass if he absolutely has to. After all, he just finished his new belt, which stretches to accommodate his growing girth. He feels prepared to take on his teammate if push comes to shove.

“You’re not listening to me, Brainy.” Rokk sighs, as if he can’t believe that he’s the one stuck with the job of trying to talk Querl into this. Of all the people in the Legion, Rokk is probably Querl’s least favorite. They butt heads far too frequently, both having strong, leader personalities. “Mr. Brande set this all up for you. You’re not being discharged. It’s temporary. When the trial is over and the baby is born, you can come back.”

That will be many months from now. Querl feels tears sting his eyes but he blinks them back. He refuses to let Rokk see them fall, not again. All that he can think is that he’s being sent away. He told Lyle that he wants to stay here on Legion World, where he belongs. He’s been minding his own business and staying out of the way, so why do they want him to leave?

“I’m happy here,” he tries to argue. “Lyle and I have gotten used to living together and I’m fine. I could even start working in my lab again soon.”

“Maybe that’s true but it’s not my call,” Rokk says. “The arrangements have been made and Mr. Brande wants you moved to his home before the week is out. Think about it, Brainy. This is for the best. You’ll have constant care and access to doctors who specialize in pregnancy and childbirth. With all the time you’re going to have to spend on Earth for the trial, you’re better off staying there for the time being. You won’t be alone. Lyle is going with you.”

Exasperated, Querl throws his hands up in the air. “This isn’t about me being afraid to live alone, Rokk! This is about my career! Everyone keeps saying, ‘Oh, don’t let this get you down. Don’t let your rapist win.’ If I lose the Legion, that bastard _will_ have won! The only thing I have specifically asked for since all of this happened is that I be allowed to stay here, in my _home_!”

Rokk looks sympathetic but he shrugs his shoulders. “The Legion is still going to be here when you’re ready to come back. Right now, no one thinks this is the healthiest environment for you. Mr. Brande is very worried about you.”

“Did Lyle agree to this?” Querl demands through gritted teeth. “Did he go along with this little plot you idiots have cooked up?”

“First of all, it’s not a plot and I had nothing to do with cooking it up. That was all Mr. Brande. If you must know, Lyle was on your side. Unlike you, however, he came to see reason and now agrees that this is for the best. It’s not permanent. There will always be a place for you in the Legion.”

“Just not when I’m too damaged to be of any use,” says Querl, feeling bitter. He can’t believe they’ve all teamed up against him like this. There goes the last little piece of hope he’s been hanging on to, slipping right through his fingers.

This is just further proof that it doesn’t matter how hard he tries, he can’t keep the rape from screwing up his life. He has struggled to keep it together, tried to listen to his friends and things just keep getting worse, in spite of his best efforts. Now they’re getting rid of him. He feels betrayed.

Rokk claps his shoulder in a friendly manner and tries to smile. “Everyone needs a sabbatical every now and then, Brainy. We want you to focus on getting better and you’ve got a kid to think about now. You need some time off, that’s all. Everyone will be anxiously awaiting your return. Who will keep the coffee machines up and running in the cafeteria is you don’t come back?”

Querl’s bottom lip quivers. This is it. They’re really going to make him leave.

“Come on, Brainy, don’t cry.” Rokk looks horrified and he puts an arm around Querl’s shoulders, trying to comfort him. “Calm down. It’s okay.”

“Bastard.” Querl shoves Rokk away from him. The last thing he wants is the other boy’s pity. “Don’t act like you give a sprock about me. I’m sure you’ll be glad to get me out of your hair. Fine, I’ll go, but I’m going to remember this. I won’t forget.”

Hurt and overwhelmed, Querl leaves the meeting room without another word, hurrying back to his personal quarters. He feels like he’s about to have a breakdown over this and he doesn’t want anyone else to see.

Unfortunately, the sight that greets him when he gets back to his room is just as bad. Lyle is there, already packing things up again, even though they’ve barely spent any time at all in this room and things were going well. Querl hovers in the doorway, not sure he wants to deal with his partner right now.

Lyle sees him and turns to him with a sad smile. “Brainy, I tried to talk them out of it. I think they’re wrong too. But I’m coming with you, okay? It’ll be alright.”

The boy holds his hands out to Querl, and Querl hesitantly takes them and allows Lyle to pull him into an embrace.

“I don’t want to leave,” he whispers against Lyle’s shoulder. “This is my home.”

“We’re coming back,” Lyle promises. “We’re Legionnaires and we always will be. Do you hear me? Everything is going to be fine.”

At least he’ll have Lyle with him. If he didn’t have Lyle, Querl thinks he would probably go crazy. It’s too hard to deal with everything alone. Lyle is safe and comfortable and full of love and affection. Querl needs him so much that sometimes it hurts just a little.

“Sometimes I feel like a time bomb,” Querl says out of the blue, a little surprised at himself, but he keeps talking. “Everything that’s happened keeps building up in my head, and I need you so much just to keep me sane. I feel like I could detonate at any moment and blow us both to hell. And sometimes I’m okay with that.”

Lyle holds him a little tighter. “Hang in there, B. I’ve got you. I swear I’ve got you.”

That’s good, Querl thinks, except that it means Lyle is going down in flames with him if he really does explode.

\--

Dr. Gym’ll has been giving Querl regular exams to monitor the baby’s progress. He gives Querl one last exam before Querl and Lyle officially move to Earth, claiming that he just wants to make sure everything is absolutely fine before he surrenders care of Querl to more specialized Earth doctors.

“If you have any questions or concerns, Brainiac, you be sure to contact me,” the doctor tells Querl. His demeanor is gruff, as always, but it’s obvious that he’s trying to express concern without it sounding like he’s at all attached to Querl. That’s alright. Querl can read between the lines.

If only to comfort the man, Querl nods his head. “You know I respect your knowledge and expertise. Of course I will be double checking any information given to me by my physicians on Earth with you.”

The doctor pats Querl’s hand, knowing that he’s being humored. “I’ve put together a comprehensive list for you of vitamins you should be taking, food you should be eating, and also some different exercise routines I want you to try. Aside from that, there’s something I want to recommend for you.”

“What would that be?” Querl asks.

“Since your pregnancy test results came back positive, I’ve been carefully monitoring your progress.” Dr. Gym’ll fixes Querl with a stern look. “In that time, I’ve done several different ultrasounds of your child to keep track of its progress and health. However, I am worried that you have declined the opportunity to see your child on every occasion. I think you should let me show you what your son or daughter looks like, Brainiac.”

Querl freezes in place, a sudden feeling of dread coming over him. “That’s… That’s alright, Dr. Gym’ll. I don’t need to see it, so long as I know that it’s healthy and there’s nothing wrong with it. That’s all that is important, right?”

Sitting here on this exam table clothed in nothing but a paper gown, Querl feels vulnerable. The truth is that he’s been avoiding having to see his baby. He feels guilty about it but part of him is just disgusted that there is actually a child growing inside of his body. It shouldn’t be there, and wouldn’t be there if Zanda hadn’t altered his gender. He doesn’t know how to cope with the fact that there _is_ a new life, a new person inside of him. Truthfully, he doesn’t want to cope with it.

“It’s not healthy that you don’t want to see your child. This is an opportunity to bond with it, which will help you come to terms with the fact that this has occurred at all. If you just keep avoiding this, what will you do when you actually go into labor and this little person comes out of you? They’re going to hand it to you, and you won’t know what to do because you’ve been telling yourself the whole time that there’s not really anything there. But there is, Querl. There is a baby in you, right now, and you might as well look at it before you have to push it out.”

This is venturing into territory that Querl isn’t ready to explore. Yes, he understands logically that he will have to accept this at some point. When the baby is born, he’ll have to take care of it, and he’s thought about it a little, but what’s the point in making himself sick over this before he even has to deal with it?

He turns his gaze away from the doctor. “I’m just not ready.”

“I know this must be terrifying for you,” the doctor says, “but that’s why I want you to try and do this here, with me. You trust me, don’t you? Let me help you through this part. I won’t be around for the worst of it.”

The worst of it is coming up on him fast. For the past couple of days, Querl has been sick in the mornings. If his symptoms stay typical of his species, the sickness will only get worse, right up until he gives birth. The actual process of giving birth is something that Querl refuses to let himself dwell on.

“I can’t,” he admits, his voice soft. “I don’t want to see it.”

The doctor sighs, but lets the matter go. He turns away from Querl and punches something in on his Omnicom – probably a note about Querl’s persisting denial about the baby. “I’ll send your medical records to your new physicians on Earth. Everything should be in order for your first examination after you’ve settled in.”

“I don’t want to leave,” Querl says. “I don’t want to go anywhere. Whoever Mr. Brande hired on Earth, they can’t be any better than you. Maybe you could talk to him and explain that it’s better if I stay here, so you can help me, and things will be alright.”

“Brainiac…” Dr. Gym’ll gives Querl a sympathetic look and pats his arm. “The truth is I’m not equipped to handle that here. You need people who are trained specifically in this sort of thing. The old man has picked the best for you and he only wants to make certain that there are no complications and you come out of this healthy and whole.”

“What about Dr. Ryk’rr?” Querl asks, but he knows he’s just searching for anything at all to tie him to this place. “She’s been helping me a lot. I’m not ready to stop seeing her.”

“You’ll still have sessions with her online,” the doctor says. “And Mr. Brande has already made arrangements for more therapists for you to speak with on Earth. I suggested to him that perhaps a sex therapist would be of benefit to you…”

Querl sits up straight, frowning. “That is absolutely ridiculous. I do _not_ need to see a sex therapist.”

“When you attempted to kill yourself, was that not the morning after you engaged in sexual activities with Invisible Kid?”

Dr. Gym’ll has never been the sort to beat around the bush. Regardless, Querl was not previously aware that the doctor knew he’d had sex with Lyle. Who told him? Probably Lyle. Querl is going to kill that boy.

“… Yes, but it wasn’t the sex. That wasn’t why I did it.”

“Have you had relations with Mr. Norg since then?”

“No,” Querl mumbles uncomfortably. “I’m just not ready.”

The doctor nods. “That’s completely understandable, but I think it will help you to talk about these matters with a professional. I can’t help you with that, and even Dr. Ryk’rr is not quite equipped to deal with such matters. Brainiac, you are not an easy patient. Your head is one gigantic maze that’s nearly impossible to navigate for just one person. We want to tackle this problem from all sides.”

Is that what Querl is for everyone – a problem?

“Can I go now?” he asks, trying not to sound too defensive. He’ll go along with whatever they want, because part of him is desperately searching for some kind of cure. Maybe this sex therapist is the cure; maybe it’s as simple as learning to appreciate being intimate with another person.

“One more thing,” the doctor says. “They’ve finally released information to us about your attacker. I’ve looked it over, and there’s not much, but he is definitely human. His skin tone is simply body modification, and he was born on Rimbor – no big surprise there.”

“Okay.” Querl swallows hard. “So the baby is… the baby is half human.”

“Exactly. And there shouldn’t be any complications. Coluans and humans rarely interact, but it has been established in the past that the two species are mostly compatible. Your child will likely take after your side of the family. I’d be surprised if any of its human characteristics are at all obvious.”

Admittedly, Querl is relieved. It’s not that he wouldn’t have loved the child no matter what, it’s just that this way he doesn’t have to worry anymore about how he knows nothing about Dram or what the other man might have passed on to the baby. Well, there’s still the question of Dram’s medical history, which probably isn’t available, but at least Querl now knows what to look for.

“You should put on a little more weight.” The doctor lightly prods Querl’s arm. “Make sure you follow the diet I’ve planned out for you.”

“Sure.” Querl nods. He has been struggling to adjust to the notion of scheduled meals. Normally, he simply eats when he’s hungry, or ignores his hunger if he’s working on a project. He’s been known to go several days without eating when he gets involved in his work. “The sickness, though, is going to get worse…”

“And that is why I’ve carefully constructed your diet in such a way that you will be mostly eating foods that will settle your stomach,” says Dr. Gym’ll. “If you will just follow the diet and take all of your medication, you should be fine. Think of it as an experiment. Every aspect of this should be carefully monitored, so as to insure the best possible outcome. And what is the best possible outcome?”

Querl sighs in frustration. “I don’t know – a healthy child?”

The doctor raises one eyebrow. “And a healthy mother, Brainiac.”

“Right, yes. That too,” Querl grumbles. “Can I get dressed now?”

With nothing further to pester Querl about, the doctor finally lets him leave. However, Querl exits Medical Bay with just a little reluctance and he lingers in the doorway. Who knows when he’ll be back here again? For a moment, he considers going back to the doctor, telling him that he’s right about the ultrasound and he’ll agree to it, but then he shudders at the thought of seeing the parasite that’s growing inside him. No, he can’t do it – not yet.

He makes his way to his lab to get things in order there. Most of his experiments will have to be neutralized. He tries not to think too much about how much it’s going to set him back on his research as he stores what he can and ends what can’t be left for such a long period of time. Some material can be frozen, but most of it is too fragile to freeze and recover.

When he has packed up his personal belongings and restored everything else to its proper state, he stands alone in the middle of the room for a long time. There were a few of Lyle’s things lying about too: a toothbrush in the bathroom, a magazine and a coffee cup abandoned many weeks ago on the workbench, and a pair of dirty socks that were somehow crammed beneath the bed in the back room. Now, the room is clean and devoid of the life Lyle and Querl once breathed into it. Querl doubts it will see much use in their absence, even if the Legion brings in a temporary replacement of some sort.

This has been his whole world for so long now. How many times has he locked himself up in here to deal with things on his own? Without his lab, Querl has felt a little lost, even knowing that he could still spend time in it with supervision. Now it’s going to be really gone and he’ll be stuck somewhere on Earth with no escape when he just needs time to himself, time to get the crazy out of his system and just _discover_ something amazing, something he could be proud of…

Out of the corner of his eye, he happens to see that his hand has come up to rest against his swollen belly without him even noticing it. He frowns down at this, wondering how he could have done something like that without noticing.

Maybe part of him feels affection for the baby. Mostly, he just can’t bear the thought of killing a living person, even a life as tiny as this one. The legal window is almost up anyway. Another smaller part of him is protective of the child simply because it’s _his_ and he doesn’t want to lose anything else.

That’s a messed up, twisted way of thinking about it. Querl feels a little nauseous and he’s not sure if it’s the pregnancy or his thoughts making him ill. He tries to shake it off. The feeling doesn’t go away and the room tilts dangerously for a moment. It’s enough to make Querl freak and stumble over to his workbench, where he clutches the counter for support. A moment later, the spell passes.

He has been expecting the symptoms to move beyond simple nausea for some time now. If there is one species he knows the very best, it is his own, and he is completely familiar with the facts about Coluan pregnancy. It is a stressful, painful process for Coluan women and can often be life threatening. It is so hard on them that they almost never conceive and carry children in the traditional fashion anymore. Instead, children are genetically engineered. It probably contributes to the cold, impersonal manner in which Coluans raise their children but Querl can hardly blame them for not wanting the messy fear and pain of natural childbirth.

Lyle does not really know how hard this will be on Querl’s body, and Querl has been putting off telling his partner about it. The last thing he wants is for Lyle to overreact to the news somehow. He doesn’t need Lyle treating him like he’s made of glass, either, and he refuses to be treated like an invalid.

Beyond the fear of what this will do to his body, Querl is also terrified of what will happen after the birth. What is he supposed to do with a baby? The last thing he wants to do is abandon his child – he’s spent too long being afraid of becoming his mother – but he wonders if it wouldn’t be better off if he gave up his rights to it and let Mr. Brande find a home for it. He tries to imagine himself caring for it, treating it the way a child deserves to be treated, but in his head there is just a blank, white space where the baby should be and he can’t make himself fill it in.

Weary, he moves over to a chair, keeping one hand on his counter for support in case the dizziness returns. He collapses in the chair and puts his hand over his eyes, breathes through his nose as he tries to center himself. For all that he is brilliant, may be the smartest person in the universe, he cannot imagine what he should do to fix any of his current problems.

This is how Lyle finds him later, still sprawled in the chair with no motivation to speak of. He senses Lyle’s presence in the room before he sees the other boy - feels Lyle’s hands on his shoulders before Lyle speaks.

“You look tired,” Lyle says.

“Yeah,” Querl croaks in return. “I feel tired.”

Lyle’s hands massage Querl’s tense muscles. “How did your appointment go?”

“Dr. Gym’ll wants me to see a sex therapist.” Querl looks up at Lyle and manages a smile. “It seems ridiculous to me.”

“A sex therapist?” Lyle laughs a little and leans down to kiss the top of Querl’s head. “Don’t worry about sex. It’s alright if we aren’t sexually intimate because we can be intimate in other ways, you know? I love you, B. Nothing is ever going to make me stop loving you.”

The other boy’s words are comforting and Querl wishes he could believe them completely, but he can’t let go of his fear that Lyle will leave when things get too hard. He is amazed that Lyle has stayed with him this long.

He doesn’t mean to ask the question but it just slips out before he can catch himself. “Will you leave me if I can’t ever have sex with you?”

There’s something in the way that Lyle’s hands tense against Querl’s shoulders that tells him he has wounded his friend. He probably shouldn’t have asked. Trust is an integral part of being in a relationship and he needs to show Lyle that he trusts him. Then again, he just wants to know what he’s getting himself into. There’s no point in continuing if Lyle is likely to give up when he realizes that Querl is damaged beyond repair.

“Brainy,” Lyle lowers his head, his lips nearly touching Querl’s ear, “I’ve been with you this long without ever even getting to hold your hand or kiss you. Do you really think I’m going to give up just because I can’t have everything when you’ve already given me more than I could have hoped for?”

Querl sighs deeply and relaxes into his lover’s touch. “I know I should trust you. It’s my problem, not yours. Trusting people is hard.”

“It’s not as hard as you might think.” Lyle resumes massaging Querl’s shoulders. “You trust our team when we’re out in the field, don’t you? If it’s a matter of life or death, you know that someone is going to have your back, that even if we don’t all get along on a personal level, we still love each other as teammates. And you trust the Legion to be in the right. You trust it to be what’s best for the universe. So trust me, because I love this universe, I love this team, and I love _you_.”

He wants to trust Lyle. Grife, he wants to trust Lyle more than anything. Maybe he’s just too damaged to trust now because all he can think is, _“Lyle said he would make it alright and he didn’t, everything still hurts, everything is still ruined.”_

It hurts too much to let himself dwell on all the questions he wants to ask but can’t bear to voice. He wants to ask why Lyle left him alone in the first place on that ship and why Lyle didn’t get there in time to help him when it really mattered. He needs to understand why this has happened to him so that he can just move on with his sprocking life and let go of it.

“I keep asking myself if I did something to deserve it,” he says in a whisper. “Did I deserve it, Lyle?”

“Of course you didn’t!” Lyle freezes, his fingers squeezing Querl’s shoulders too tightly. “Why would you ask that?”

Shrugging out of Lyle’s grip, Querl keeps his gaze locked on the floor. He can’t look at Lyle while he’s admitting these terrible, embarrassing thoughts he has about himself and about what happened. “I just need a reason.”

There is no response from Lyle for several minutes. At last, Lyle sighs and reaches out to cover one of Querl’s hands with his own. “Having a reason for it won’t make things better. It happened because they were violent people and you were unlucky. All those women they’ve been stealing and raping and selling – do you think they deserved it too?”

Querl shudders, remembering the kind women who helped him. He shakes his head miserably. “You’re right, of course.”

Even though Lyle’s words make logical sense, the illogical fear in Querl’s mind still isn’t quelled. As of late, Querl has begun to despair ever making any sort of recovery. He still has suicidal thoughts from time to time, but he feels guilty when he thinks about the child and about how disappointed Mr. Brande is in him. Perhaps he can last until the child comes. If he even survives the birth, surely he will have paid penance.

“Smile for me, babe,” Lyle says to him. “You’re going to be okay.”

To humor his lover, Querl gives in and does as Lyle asks of him. The smile feels too strained and stretched thin. Then again, everything feels like that anymore.

TBC


	11. Penitent

_Once I stood alone, so proud_

_Held myself above the crowd_

_And now I’m low on the ground_

_Now, what would you have me do?_

_I ask you, please?_

**_-Suzanne Vega, “Penitent”_   
**

“This isn’t so bad. Look, there’s a great view. And there’s so much space!”

Lyle spreads his arms out wide, as if to indicate the amount of free space on either side of him. Querl has to admit that his partner is right. The loft that Mr. Brande has rented for them is huge and has plenty of floor space. It’s kind of nice because the layout feels a lot like his laboratory. But it’s still not the same.

He clutches at himself, feeling vulnerable in this new territory. Querl is a creature of habit and he doesn’t know this place. He will have to learn it, memorize it and build himself a new routine. These days, he needs stability. Surrounding himself in familiar things has so far kept him from slipping any further into depression.

“There’s only one bedroom,” Querl remarks as he quietly explores the loft. The bedroom and the bathroom are the only rooms that aren’t completely open. Mr. Brande mentioned that these open lofts are very popular with young people these days. While he can see the appeal, he is regretting that his privacy will be limited.

Instead of answering, Lyle waves a hand as if to dismiss Querl’s concerns. The other boy is entranced by the huge glass windows and the view they reveal. “This place is going to be stunning once we move some furniture in. I could almost stay here, B. Can you imagine living here permanently?”

“No,” Querl snaps. “You promised, Lyle. Once things are put right, we’re going home.”

Lyle turns and smiles sheepishly at him. “I know, sorry. Guess I’m getting a little carried away. Maybe we can keep it as a summer home or something.”

The way Lyle talks, it’s like the guy thinks they’re already married. Scoffing at the notion of owning a summer home, Querl turns away from the windows. But he stumbles, feeling suddenly woozy. As he catches his balance, he sees a few drops of green liquid drip to the floor out of the corner of his eye.

“Oh,” he says softly, raising his hand to his nose. His fingers come away bloody.

“I think we’re going to enjoy living here,” Lyle is saying, still fascinated by the view. “We’ll keep ourselves busy. There’s plenty to do in the city.”

Feeling faint, Querl leans heavily against the wall and pinches the bridge of his nose. This is the first nosebleed he’s had, but it doesn’t surprise him. His symptoms have become more difficult as of late. He closes his eyes and tries to just relax his tense body.

“What do you think?” Lyle asks. “Brainy? Hey, Brainy? Oh, sprock, are you alright?”

Lyle’s hands on his shoulders make Querl open his eyes again. He regards his partner with a tired glare.

“I’m fine. It’s just a nosebleed.”

“Hey, let me find you some tissue.”

Lyle scurries off in search of the tissue and comes back a few moments later with a handful of paper towels. He presses one bunched up towel to Querl’s bleeding nostrils, as if Querl can’t do it himself.

“Hey, cut it out,” Querl snaps, his voice muffed by blood and the towel. He grasps the towel with his free hand and moves away from Lyle’s touch. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”

“… I just want to help,” Lyle says. His voice is soft and hesitant.

“I know,” Querl mumbles, feeling a little guilty for snapping. “It’s just… I need space. I’m not used to… people touching me all of the time and… it’s the pregnancy, it’s making me moody.”

The other boy backs way and his hands drop to his sides. “I’m sorry. I know it must be hard for you. And here I’ve just been touching you whenever I feel like it. But I didn’t mean to make things worse. I just… I want to be able to comfort you. This is the only way I know how.”

Querl regrets saying anything about it. He doesn’t know what to say to Lyle so he remains silent while he keeps the paper towel pressed to his nose. Eventually, the dizzy spell passes entirely and his nose stops bleeding. When he lowers the towel, it is soaked in his blood.

He reaches out to Lyle, his hand trembling. Lyle takes hold of it and grips it firmly.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” Querl mutters. “I don’t know if I can… be what they want. I’m not… good with people. I do want to help those women, of course, but I… just… I’m tired.”

He wishes he could erase the memory of what happened. Maybe then he’d be able to go back to his old life. There’s the baby, though, and it will need him. If his memories were gone, how would he be able to care for his offspring?

Lyle is patient as always and he gives Querl some space, but he keeps holding on to Querl’s hand. “You have to be strong. One day, we’ll be able to relax and enjoy our lives again, but we’re not there yet. There is still so much that we have to do.”

The other boy runs his thumb across Querl’s knuckles. “You’re so bony these days, B. Aren’t you supposed to be gaining weight? You don’t eat enough.”

“I eat,” Querl says, shaking his head. It’s not that he doesn’t eat; it’s just that he can’t keep any of it down. The so-called “morning sickness” makes his stomach rebel against everything he eats and the lack of proper nourishment makes him feel lethargic and tired most of the time. “I take my vitamins too.”

“I’m worried about you,” Lyle replies. He lifts Querl’s hand and kisses it. “You haven’t been well.”

Of course Lyle noticed. Querl doesn’t know why he thought he could hide it. Still, he can’t make himself admit to Lyle that it’s only going to get worse from here. Part of him is still so deeply ashamed of being pregnant that it’s hard to talk about his symptoms or anything at all that pertains to the pregnancy.

“I’m fine,” he says. “You don’t need to worry about me.”

The smile on his lover’s face is sad. Lyle nods, kisses his forehead, and backs away. “Let’s go out to eat somewhere. Maybe you could keep down some good soup.”

When Lyle is this kind to him, Querl can’t help but wonder if he really deserves it. He accepts it always, but with the pessimistic suspicion that Lyle is simply being nice to him because people are supposed to be nice to each other, and not because there is truly something special about Querl that makes him worthy of Lyle’s affection.

Querl knows how awful he can be, even without people telling him all of the time. He knows he can be selfish and unfair and too critical of everyone. And his only shot at being happy depends on whether or not Lyle really does love him anyway.

“Come on, Brainy,” Lyle says, and he reaches out to take Querl’s hand. “Smile for me, please?”

If there is nothing else in the world that Querl can have for himself, can he at least have this one thing? He doesn’t deserve it – he never has. But if he can have it, it’s all he could ever ask for. He would be happy with just this one thing.

“Love you, babe,” Lyle says softly, his hand squeezing Querl’s own to comfort him.

There it is. Querl melts.

“Love you,” he whispers back.

\--

Brainy sulks about the loft for days after they move in. She finds something to complain about nearly every day but first on her list is the “lack of privacy.” Of course this is ridiculous. The loft actually has more privacy than the suite they shared on Legion World. Brainy cannot be convinced of this fact.

The first couple of nights, she insisted on sleeping on the far side of the bed with plenty of space between them. She gave up on that quickly and went back to sleeping curled up in Lyle’s arms. Although she’s been difficult to live with, Lyle has to admit that it’s kind of cute when she’s moody. And even though she behaves childishly sometimes, he prefers that to the slow lethargy that grips her from time to time and makes her listless and unresponsive.

Lately, Lyle has noticed a disturbing change in Brainy’s behavior. Occasionally, she will simply stop whatever she is doing and stare into space with an odd expression on her face. If Lyle asks her what is wrong, she won’t tell him. She brushes it off and returns to whatever she was doing before as though nothing at all happened.

They’re getting ready for bed one night when Lyle hears Brainy give a sharp cry. He whirls around to face her, dressed only in his boxers and undershirt. Brainy is in a similar state of undress, only wearing her bra and underwear. She is staring at her rounded belly, her eyes wide as saucers.

Lyle opens his mouth to ask her what the matter is but then he sees it. His partner’s belly _moves_ , just slightly.

“Is that…?” Lyle’s voice breaks before he can finish the sentence. He takes a deep breath and tries again. “Is that the baby?”

For a moment, Brainy doesn’t answer but Lyle can see her from the look in her eyes that she’s trying to puzzle out what just happened. Finally, she says, “I… guess it has the hiccups.”

Lyle sighs in relief and laughs. “The hiccups? Poor little baby, getting the hiccups. That’s no fun, huh?”

He can’t resist placing his hands on Brainy’s belly in hopes of feeling the movement. To his delight, it happens again. He looks up at Brainy with a grin, hoping to share this joyful moment with her.

To his surprise, Brainy is quietly crying, her face turned away from him. Confused, Lyle moves his hands to her face. “Brainy? What’s the matter, babe? Hey, why are you crying?”

Brainy is so tense. She refuses to look at him. “It’s nothing, I just… It’s weird and I don’t like it.”

“You don’t like seeing the baby?” Lyle questions her. “Come on, B, do you know how amazing this is? That’s your _baby_ inside of you.”

“I said I don’t like it!” Brainy snaps, drawing away from him. “I don’t care what it is, I don’t like it. It’s not right.”

Her belly jerks again and Brainy sobs raggedly, clutching at it like she can somehow push away the movement. It’s really bothering her, Lyle realizes. He’s not sure what to do.

“Hey now, it’s alright.” Lyle sits down on the bed beside her. He gives her some space because he can tell she needs it right now. “You can talk to me about it if it would make you feel better. Are you scared?” Staring tearfully at her belly, Brainy gives a sharp nod. “Okay… Why is this scary for you?”

“There’s… something… inside of me.” Brainy forces the words out slowly. “It’s like it’s not even my body anymore. Everything is… so different. And there’s something in there – another living thing _inside me_. It’s freaking me out. I want to get away from it but I can’t.”

And there it is. How can Lyle fix this for Brainy? There’s no getting away from the pregnancy, not at this point. They’re well past the cutoff line and Brainy’s only recourse now is to try and come to terms with what has happened to her.

“You’re nearly halfway there,” he tells her gently. “Before you know it, the baby will be here.”

Brainy pressed her mouth into a thin line and doesn’t speak.

“Have you… Have you thought about it?” Lyle asks. “Have you thought about when the baby comes?”

“Of course,” she says but she looks uncomfortable.

“Maybe we should talk about it. You and I never talk about your pregnancy. It might help you if we discuss this sort of thing.” He tries to catch her gaze. “I want you to be prepared.”

She rolls her eyes at him. “I’m the smartest man in the universe. Of course I’m prepared. I know what to expect and you don’t have to treat me like a child.”

Sometimes Lyle wants to strangle Brainy with his own hands. How did such an infuriating person ever come into being? Sure, villains can be much worse, but Brainy is some kind of weird mix of an evil genius and a sweet, vulnerable kid. The good mixed with the bad makes Brainy so maddening that Lyle almost can’t stand it sometimes.

“I’m not treating you like a child,” he says. “You’re just behaving like one.”

“I’m behaving like a child?” Brainy sneers at him, her upper lip curling in disgust. “What do you want from me? Do you want me to be happy the damn brat has the hiccups? Well, I’m not happy about it! I’m not some stupid, simpering girl! I’m never going to be happy about this!”

Lyle throws his hands up in the air. “Then why did you decide to go through with this? Huh? If you hate the baby so much, why didn’t you kill it when you had the chance? I told you to do it. Didn’t I tell you that you had options? You had to be so damn noble about this and now you want to blame it on everyone else. How the _hell_ is any of this my fault?”

The girl looks shocked by his outburst at first, and then drops her gaze. She wraps her arms around herself defensively. “… I asked you for backup.”

“What?” Lyle tries to figure out what she’s talking about, but the statement seems random. “What do you mean, ‘you asked for backup?’”

“On… On that ship, you left me alone. When they found me, I called for you. I asked for backup. You didn’t come.” Her fingers dig into her arms as she clutches herself.

Understanding washes over Lyle. “Oh,” he says, surprised. Then he adds, “I never heard you call for backup.”

“We’re supposed to be a team. When you left me, I trusted you to come back. I trusted you. But when I needed you, you weren’t there. You don’t know what it was like. None of you know what it was like. And you act like you understand and you know what’s best for me, but you couldn’t possibly… You don’t know what it’s like to hate every part of yourself.”

Lyle takes a deep breath. “Stop saying things like that. Why would you hate yourself? So this happened to you, and I know it sucks, but you can’t just give up. Are you really that weak?”

Brainy doesn’t say anything at first. She stares at him for a long moment and then her shoulders slump. “I’m tired,” she mutters at last and she curls up on the bed without bothering to put on her pajamas or climb under the covers. “Leave me alone.”

It’s probably not worth it to push the issue any further, Lyle thinks. But he doesn’t want to go to bed angry. It’s not healthy for either of them to be at odds with each other. “… Are you okay?”

“My feet hurt,” Brainy mutters. “They’re swollen.”

“Ah, I’ve read that happens.” Lyle reaches out and grasps one of Brainy’s feet in his hands, kneading the swollen flesh carefully. “How about a foot rub? That will make you feel a little better.”

Instead of responding, Brainy turns her face away from him, pressing it against her pillow. Lyle can see her trembling all over. He lets go of her foot.

“You have to stop this, B.”

The girl stiffens. She doesn’t speak.

“I don’t know how to fix this for you,” Lyle continues. He’s at his wit’s end. There’s nothing he can do to make things better and it’s driving him crazy. “I’d just wave a magic wand and put it all right if I could. But I can’t. And I can’t bear to watch you do this to yourself every day. You’re ill, you’re tired, but you won’t let yourself heal. You don’t try to get better. Do you like being miserable and making me miserable too?”

Brainy turns to look at him, a vicious gleam in her eyes. She lifts one foot off the bed and then, without warning, slams it into Lyle’s side.

“Sprock!” Lyle doubles over in pain. Taking deep breaths, he looks at Brainy through narrowed eyes. “Goddamn it, Brainy, what was that for?!”

“This isn’t about you, you selfish nass!” Brainy tells back at him. She sits up in the bed and faces him with a fierce expression on her face. “Don’t complain to me about how _hard_ it is for _you_! Nobody _raped you_!”

She looks wild in that moment, her face streaked with tears and her hair mussed, but her eyes are still so sharp. Stripped of everything that ever made her soft and innocent, she is a weapon at her core and it shows when she is truly angry.

“You were supposed to fix it!” she continues. “You promised me that you would fix it! Well, here I am, and it still hurts like hell every time I wake up and I remember that day! So what did you plan to do to make it better, huh?!”

He did make that promise, so it’s not like he can defend himself. How was he supposed to know back then in those dark, desperate moments that Brainy would really expect it of him? How was he supposed to know that it wasn’t really possible to fix what happened?

“I don’t know,” he admits. He hangs his head. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

“Don’t apologize to me,” Brainy spits. Her lips tremble. “I don’t need your sprocking apologies. What good does it do me if you’re sorry? It doesn’t make this pregnancy go away. It doesn’t fix my body. It doesn’t give me back my virginity.”

Lyle doesn’t know what to say. After all, Brainy is right. A simple apology isn’t going to help now. He’s already failed Brainy. How can he blame her if she’s angry about it?

Are they at an impasse, then? There seems to be nothing that Lyle can do to make this situation even a little more bearable.

“I hate this,” Brainy whispers. She raises one hand and rubs at her eyes. “This is not who I’m supposed to be.”

She’s probably right about that. Querl Dox has always been the prodigy of the universe, truly the best and the brightest that any planet has to offer. The Legion is just lucky that Brainy decided to stick with them after the draft ended, considering how much potential Brainy has. She could have left them long ago to do her own work. She can amaze the whole universe any time she takes the notion.

So how is it fair that she’s stuck here, stuck in a body she hates with a baby on the way? Kids are the best way to freeze a promising career, Lyle knows. How will Brainy balance her work with her family? She probably doesn’t have a clue how to do that. It’s always been all or nothing with her.

“Hey,” Lyle says, “we’re going to figure this out. I don’t know how yet but you and I are going to put our heads together and we’re going to make the absolute best of this. I mean, think about how smart your kid is going to be. Any kid of yours will be a genius. You have a chance here, Brainy, to give your baby everything a kid could ever want. This is your family’s legacy we’re talking about.”

Brainy looks as though Lyle’s words have made her nauseous. “I’m an incubator. Colu is probably cursing Mr. Brande for protecting me from them. If they could, they’d take the child. They’d try to brainwash it, control it…”

“You’re not an incubator and Colu can’t touch you or the baby.” Lyle gently places a hand on her knee. “This is… it’s just a natural thing, you know? People are all just animals, aren’t we? We reproduce; it’s what we were built to do.”

It must be humiliating for Brainy to realize that she is not as separate from other people as she would like to be – at least, not physically. Especially in this body, she is bound by the same rules as everyone else.

“Incubator,” Brainy repeats stubbornly.

“Not,” Lyle counters. He gives up on reasoning with her and goes to fetch his pajamas. After a moment of glaring sullenly at Lyle, Brainy goes back to putting on her own nightclothes.

They lie down for the night and Brainy stays out of Lyle’s reach. It makes Lyle frown but he settles for hugging an extra pillow instead of his partner and tries to pretend it doesn’t bother him.

\--

Querl wakes up in the middle of the night and he feels _strange_. Lying quietly in the dark, he takes a moment to assess the sensations. His pulse is up, first of all, and so is his blood pressure, if the heat he feels in his face is anything to go by. He’d dismiss it as a weird pregnancy symptom, but there’s also a curious warm sensation spreading through him – a tingling desire that seems to grow if he pays even the slightest bit of attention to his partner’s snoring breath in his ear. How did Lyle end up so close to Querl, anyway?

The other boy moves in his sleep and rolls just a little closer to Querl, draping one arm across Querl’s middle. He moans softly into Querl’s ear, sending chills down Querl’s spine. Grife, that burning need is getting worse. Querl tries to shift away but finds that Lyle is spread out across the whole bed.

 _Oh…_ Querl knows what this feeling is. He’s not surprised he didn’t recognize it at first, considering how he has pushed such feelings to the back of his mind these days. But this is another symptom of pregnancy. He wills himself to calm down. No, he will not act on these feelings of lust for his bedmate. The last time he gave in to such base urges, he regretted it.

But Lyle’s lips brush against the shell of Querl’s ear and Querl tries to bite back the gasp that escapes him but he doesn’t quite manage it. He holds his breath, staring in horror at the ceiling and hoping that Lyle is sleeping too deeply to have heard him.

“Mm… Brainy?” Lyle mumbles. He shifts again and moves his hand up to rest on Querl’s belly. Querl hears him smile with a soft hum. “You okay, babe?”

Oh, why couldn’t he have just stayed asleep? Querl curses his luck.

“I’m just fine,” he says through gritted teeth instead of answering Lyle’s question with extremely detailed accuracy, as is his initial impulse. Lately, he has told a lot of lies.

Lyle’s hand rubs Querl’s belly in what is probably meant to a comforting action. It Querl throb with need and he grits his teeth, hissing through them at the sensation.

“Hmm…?” Lyle wakes up a little more and starts to sit up in bed. “Hey, B, are you okay? You sound upset.”

“I’m not upset,” Querl insists, trying to shift away from his partner.

“Did you have another nightmare?” Lyle asks him. “It’s okay if you did. You can talk to me about it.”

Querl’s cheeks burn red with shame. This is more embarrassing than anything, including urinating on himself in his sleep due to the child pressing on his bladder. And Lyle is being so kind. He has no idea that Querl desperately wants to fuck him right now.

A few frustrated tears escape Querl’s eyes. Yes, he wants to fuck Lyle, and he can’t do that. The most he can manage is to get fucked _by_ Lyle, and that’s not what he wants. And yet, it is what he wants. Sprock, he’ll take it any way he can get it. It makes him so sick to realize that he is not the master of his own body right now.

“I…umm… It’s not a nightmare. It’s just… feeling weird…”

Lyle instantly presses his hand to Querl’s forehead. “Huh… You do feel a little warm. Are you okay?”

Shivering at the touch, Querl shakes his head. “No, I’m not okay. I’m not okay, grife, I’m not okay.”

“Brainy! Babe, what’s the matter? Do I need to call a doctor?” Lyle sounds panicked. The other boy reaches over and turns a light on.

Querl shields his eyes from the brightness of it. “No, not a doctor! It’s not… Grife, go back to sleep, please.”

But he knows Lyle won’t let this go. Lyle will persist until Querl has no recourse but to give in.

“I can’t go to sleep if you’re feeling unwell,” Lyle says, peering down at Querl with worried eyes. “You look flushed. Are you sure you’re not sick? You’re shaking…”

His hand brushes Querl’s leg, quite by accident. Querl instinctively arches into the touch.

“Lyle…” Querl sets his jaw as he tries to fight against his impulses. But it’s so _hard_. Can’t they just fuck and get it over with? Oh, Querl is going to _throw up_. “Will you… I need…”

Still confused, Lyle stares back at him, waiting for Querl to explain. “Babe, tell me what you need.”

“You,” Querl grits out. “You, I need you, please, oh, please… It’s too much. I can’t… Please, I need it, Lyle.”

Once he lets the first word escape his mouth it all comes tumbling out in a torrent he can’t stop.

“Please, give it to me, I _need_ it. I need you to please, please fuck me, _now_.”

And Lyle doesn’t say anything. He just stares for a long time and then he starts to pull away. Querl howls and grabs his arm, trying to keep him close.

“No, Lyle, please! Please, I need it!”

“Babe, this is just your hormones talking.” Lyle pries his fingers off and clambers off the bed, quickly putting space between them. “You don’t want that. I know you don’t and when you come back to your senses, you’ll be grateful. I’m sorry; I can’t take advantage of you like this.”

Before Querl can stop him, Lyle dashes to the bathroom and locks himself inside. Querl pushes himself up from the bed and stands on unsteady legs.

“Lyle… Lyle, please…”

The tears are streaming down his face now. He hadn’t expected Lyle to refuse. If anything, he’d thought Lyle would be _eager_. But his partner is now locked in the bathroom and Querl is stuck in the bedroom by himself, with no relief. He’s going to go crazy. This is too much.

He stumbles over to the bathroom door and leans heavily against it. “Lyle, you don’t understand.”

His head is swimming but he tries to focus long enough to sound sane. If he can’t focus, Lyle won’t believe him.

“It’s my kind, Lyle; this is why we hate to physically bear our children. Most of us aren’t sexual by nature but when we’re pregnant, the desire for sex… It overwhelms us. Please, you have to believe me. I don’t want to have sex, I don’t, but I need it so badly right now. Please just do it, I can’t stand this. I need relief. Oh, Lyle, please…”

There’s only silence on the other end. Querl sobs quietly to himself and pushes back from the door, miserable in the knowledge that he will have to try and bring himself a little relief with his fingers, if that will do him any good at all.

The door swings open, catching Querl off guard. He turns to see Lyle staring at him, looking miserable but determined.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” the human says. There are tears rolling down his cheeks. “Brainy, I hate this. I’ll do whatever you need, but I hate having to do this to you. Why didn’t you tell me this was going to happen? Why do you always keep these things to yourself?”

“Sorry,” Querl chokes out. His knees feel weak and he’s afraid he might fall. “I know I should have told you. I’m so sorry. I thought I could handle it.”

Lyle strides over to him and pulls him into a gentle embrace. “Oh, Brainy, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. Come on, we’ll just get this over with and it will be okay. Just promise me that you’ll try to pull it together tomorrow. I need to know you’re not going to let this break you down anymore.”

“Okay.” Querl shudders as he speaks. “Just… Just, please, do it quick. If you’ll just do it, I’ll be okay.”

“Hush, it’ll be alright.” Lyle gently lays Querl down on the bed and climbs over top of him. “You’re so beautiful, Honey Bee.”

“That stupid name…” Querl sniffles as Lyle pushes up his nightgown.

“But that’s what you are,” Lyle whispers in his ear, distracting him. The boy strokes himself through his pajamas. “You’re my sweet Honey Bee. It’s okay. I promise, it’s okay.” He mouths Querl's ear, nipping and kissing.

Querl cries out when Lyle enters him, and Lyle swallows the cry with a kiss. And even though Querl just wants to sob, Lyle keeps kissing him as he rocks into Querl and overwhelms Querl’s racing mind with sensation.

After, Querl feels dirty. Lyle collapses on the bed beside him and Querl curls his body up into a ball as much as he can in his condition. He’s sweaty and sticky from sex, but at least that unbearable need is sated now.

When he begins to cry against his pillow, Lyle reaches out to touch his cheek. “Oh, B. Everything is going to be okay. Please don’t cry about this. Was it bad? Did I hurt you?”

“No, you… you didn’t hurt me,” Querl mumbles, shaking his head. “It… It was good, I just… I don’t want to need that.”

“I know.” Lyle kisses his forehead. “But it’s just me. You trust me, right? Any time you need me, we’ll make love, okay? And it’s not just sex. It’s nothing like what that man did to you. It’s something special just between you and me. It’s a connection. We’re just making ourselves into one person for a while, that’s all.”

Querl’s sobs quiet a little. “Right, o-okay… That’s… That’s alright, I think.”

“I would never hurt you.” Lyle uses his thumb to wipe away Querl’s tears. “I’m here to protect you. If you need anything, I’ll give it to you. I love you.”

“Thank you,” Querl whispers and nods. “Thank you so much, Lyle.”

“Now get some sleep,” Lyle says. “And if you have bad dreams, I am right here, so you don’t have to be afraid. Everything will be alright.”

Even though he’s scared of the horrors his mind will subject him to in his sleep, Querl gives in. He’s too tired to fight sleep. So he hides his tear-soaked face against Lyle’s chest and closes his eyes.

“I love you, Lyle.”

TBC


	12. The Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Mother's Day!

**The Sum of Us**

**Chapter 12: The Day**

_Today is gonna’ be the day_

_That they’re gonna give it back to you._

_By now you should have somehow_

_Realized what you got to do._

**_-Oasis, “Wonderwall”_ **

Querl tries not to look nervous. At first he tries to meet the therapist’s gaze, to prove that they’re equals and he’s not somehow vulnerable. He quickly gives up because the woman looks so understanding and it makes Querl’s skin crawl to know that she pities him.

“Dr. Gym’ll said he sent you my files,” Querl mumbles as he stares at the floor. “So, you know the details of my... case.”

The therapist leans forward just a little. “I know you were sexually assaulted, yes. You’re not a casefile to me, Querl. You are my patient and I take that charge very seriously. I know you don’t trust me yet but I want you to know that this is a safe zone. You can tell me about anything that’s bothering you.”

“I appreciate your concern, Dr. Norris.” Querl tries to control his shaking, but he’s too uptight. He knows what seeing a new therapist means. It means that Dr. Ryk’rr isn’t happy with his progress. It means that he’ll have to adjust to a new change in his lifestyle.

It means that he’ll have to tell his story again.

“Let’s start small,” Dr. Norris suggests. “You’re having a baby. Congratulations.”

“Start small.” Querl breathes in deeply. “That’s not a small matter, Doctor.”

“I’m sorry. This pregnancy has been hard on you?”

“Yes, very,” Querl agrees. He chews at his lower lip, rubs his hands together, probably half a dozen other nervous twitches. The doctor is probably watching him, making a mental note of his symptoms...

“You should know that if you’re feeling uncertain about this baby or are having difficulty accepting your pregnancy, that’s not unusual for victims who’ve had to deal with the things you have dealt with. I’m sure that it’s even harder for you because of your altered gender.”

Querl just nods.

“Your gender must be a very sensitive issue for you.”

He nods again.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

It’s strange, really. There should be a simple answer to that question but there’s not. Querl doesn’t want to talk but he needs to sometimes, just to get it out of his system. And he’s afraid of losing it too often with Lyle. He doesn’t want to push his partner away.

“I... I think about it a lot,” he says hesitantly. “I’ve talked about it some with my previous therapist but... I’ve known her a long time and some things just weren’t... I was embarrassed, I guess... Ashamed.”

“You can tell me about those things. I’m not going to judge you.”

He nods. “I know that logically, but it’s... very private.”

“And the purpose of these sessions is for me to help you deal with things you might be afraid of dealing with on your own. However, you need to trust me in order for this to work. When you come here, it will be to relieve yourself of the things that torment you. So you can unload your burdens here or you can carry them back home with you and let them weigh you down.”

Querl dares to look up at the woman. She smiles at him, as though to prove she is harmless. He takes a deep breath.

“Because I am Coluan... My kind… When they are pregnant, they experience the intense desire to... mate.” He can feel his face heating up with embarrassment. Still, it’s best if he gets this out in the open. It’s not something he can keep dealing with alone. “My... My partner and I have engaged in...intercourse regularly as a result. However, I... I don’t really like it. I don’t want to have sex.”

The therapist looks alarmed for a moment. “Querl, I don’t want to jump to any conclusions. Are you telling me that your partner has molested you against your will?”

“No!” Querl exclaims and now it’s his turn to look alarmed. “No, that’s not what I meant. When I... When I have those urges, I’m miserable without... satiating the need. Lyle didn’t want to at first but he... does it mostly just to keep me from being in pain. It’s not his fault.”

“Alright.” The therapist relaxes. “I trust you would tell someone if you were being hurt.”

That’s of course what Querl thinks he would do, but then, if it was Lyle - not that it could _ever_ be Lyle - he’s not sure he really would tell someone. He wouldn’t want to get Lyle into trouble. Perhaps he would just leave and never explain to anyone.

“I’m not being hurt,” he says. “At least, not by Lyle.” 

“Why are you unhappy with your sexual relationship with your partner?”

Querl shrugs his shoulders. “The sex is fine, I suppose. It’s pleasant and efficient. The problem is that I do not want to have sex at all. My body wants it but my mind doesn’t. Over and over again, I am forced to submit to animal instinct and ignore my disdain for the act. While I do understand that as a living being I have these urges, I’ve never in the past allowed that side of myself much freedom. I have avoided physical relationships, even with individuals I have been attracted to.”

“Ah, do you dislike sex because it is too intimate?” the therapist asks. “Or perhaps you find the act to be unsanitary?”

“Both,” Querl admits. “Although, I suppose under different circumstances, I would be able to overcome that after establishing a stable relationship with someone. As it stands, I... I hesitate to say it, but the truth is that I’m still afraid.”

“You’re afraid of sex?”

“Yes, exactly, but I’m not afraid of Lyle. I trust him, you see. I just... When Lyle and I have sex, I can’t help thinking about...what happened. And I also don’t feel right enjoying sex in this body. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like...”

“Like you’re less of a man if you enjoy being a woman?” the therapist suggests.

“Yes,” Querl says, dropping his gaze again.

He feels like a nass for saying to another woman that he doesn’t like being female and doesn’t want to enjoy it. But it’s the truth and she said to tell him the things he is ashamed of.

“That’s alright, Querl,” Dr. Norris says. “I’m not at all surprised that you feel that way. You identify as a man, and up until recently you never had to deal with anything that blurred the line between masculine and feminine for you. If you were born female, you might still identify as male and feel strongly about these things. Until you are back in your own body, you will probably always feel at odds with your physical gender.”

“But I might not get my body back,” Querl says. He goes back to bouncing his knees. “I haven’t been able to find anyone willing or able to change me back. The woman responsible refuses to help me. If I’m always like this, isn’t there any way I can... feel comfortable in my own skin?”

The therapist nods her head. “Of course. You and I can work to help you adjust to this change. There’s also gender reassignment. Surgery could mostly restore your gender.”

Querl breathes in deeply. “It still wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t be _me_ , and surgery can’t completely transform a female body to a male body. I would still be this height and I would still be weak compared to my old body. I would have to take hormones. Even with complete gender reassignment, I wouldn’t be the man I was before.”

“Do you feel like you would rather try and accept your current gender instead of trying to change it?”

“Yes, I suppose that’s what I’m saying,” Querl says with a heavy heart. “Perhaps I should try to make the best of this.”

“You have a lot to think about, then. How far along are you in your pregnancy?”

Querl breathes in deeply. “I’m a little more than six months.”

“Oh, then your baby is going to be here very soon. Congratulations again.” The therapist smiles. “Do you know what to expect when you go into labor?”

“Yes,” Querl says. “I do.”

Of course he knows. He’s the smartest person in the universe. He has more doctorates than Lyle has headbands.

“Do you feel prepared?” the therapist asks.

“I try not to think about it.”

“Are you sure that’s wise?”

Well, no, he isn’t entirely sure it’s a good idea to ignore his pregnancy like he’s been doing, but at least it’s not driving him crazy. He doesn’t want to let his fear of what is coming to consume him. If he can last long enough to give birth to the child before he completely loses his fragile grasp on sanity, then at least someone else will be able to care for it. Right now, the child’s well being depends entirely on his own health.

“It’s probably not healthy,” he says, “but I’m barely holding it together as it is.”

\--

“Hey, Ayla, we can talk now. No, it’s just that it’s hard to talk privately in this place. I’ll have to keep my voice down. He doesn’t like being discussed. Yeah, he probably knows I’m talking about him but he won’t say anything about it.”

Lyle presses his communicator to his ear with his shoulder while he fills the teapot up with water. Out of the corner of his eye, he steals a glance at Brainy. She’s curled up on the sofa near the huge glass window, staring out of it with no expression on her face at all. Her hands rest on her round belly.

“He’s…been doing better, I think.” Lyle sighs. “It’s difficult to tell sometimes. He’s been seeing a new therapist, but he’s been pretty out of it lately. Zanda refused to change him back, even though we offered her a deal if she cooperated. She didn’t seem bothered at all that she could be put away for years. And we tried to contact Zarrox but they won’t talk to the U.P. and their planet is shielded, so we can’t just go there and try to find someone to help. We’d never find it.”

Lately, Brainy has been very quiet. The knowledge that she might be stuck in her current form has her distraught but she won’t talk to Lyle about it. He hopes that she’s talking to her therapist, at least.

“Well, I hope he’d be able to deal with it, but I’m not sure. He wants his old body back. If he can’t find a way to change himself back, I’m afraid he’ll be miserable for the rest of his life. But I’m not giving up. We just need everybody’s help with this. There’s got to be a sorcerer who can help us. We just have to keep looking.”

The sun is shining in the big window and it lights up Brainy’s yellow hair like gold. She is so beautiful and so fragile, nearly skeletal now. No matter how much she eats or what kind of diet her physicians put her on, she doesn’t gain weight, she only loses it. Lyle is terrified that she’s going to waste away completely before the baby is born.

“I think it would be best if you wait before you come to see him. He doesn’t want anyone to see him like this. The pregnancy is taking a lot out of him, and honestly… I think he’ll have to be put on bed rest soon. He’s not well.”

It kills Lyle to know that Brainy’s already limited freedom will soon have to be reduced even further. Time moves too slowly these days. Lyle wants this pregnancy to be over so that Brainy can begin to heal at last.

“Sure, I’ll let you know. I love you guys too. Take care.”

\--

Querl’s appointments with his therapist come to a halt when he collapses in the apartment and his physician refuses to discharge him from the hospital after Lyle rushes him to the emergency room. Instead, Querl is confined to a hospital room with an IV and nurses to carefully monitor him. He objects to this, naturally, but his objections are overruled. 

The hospital is boring. Querl mostly sleeps, but even sleeping is boring. A person can only sleep so much before it starts to drive them crazy. Lyle at least tries to keep him occupied by bringing him scientific journals to read during his hospital stay, which are marginally entertaining and mostly just really dumb.

At first, the doctor says the stay is for a few days. A few days turns into two weeks. Two weeks turns into a month, and Querl’s due date is coming up fast. The doctor decides that Querl should stay for the remaining month and a half.

This is going to drive Querl insane.

“It’s for your own good, B,” Lyle tries to convince him. “At least you’re not still, you know… _in need_.”

Querl snorts and rolls his eyes. It is a relief, of course, that he no longer has spells of intense lust for his partner. That period of his pregnancy has come and gone, replaced by fatigue and almost constant pain that Querl is steadily learning to ignore.

“Is a hospital too public for your comfort when it comes to such matters?” he asks, trying to sound like he thinks sex isn’t really that big of a deal. The opposite is true, of course, but he has to at least play the part of the confident, egotistical genius that everyone knows and loves to hate. “I never understood why procreation is such a private matter for people.”

“You’re not fooling me, Brainy.” Lyle crosses his arms over his chest and gives Querl a stern look. “You’d never ‘procreate’ in public.”

Grife, no, Querl would never have sex in a public place. For one thing, it’s not very hygienic. Sex is never very hygienic, actually. It’s always disgusting, if he’s perfectly honest about it.

He shifts uncomfortably on the bed.  Every time he thinks about sex, he inevitably starts thinking about what happened. Now he’s thinking about how Dram forced him to his feet after and made him walk, naked and bleeding, to the holding pen.

Lyle seems to notice that he’s thinking about it again. They’ve been in such close quarters since the attack, it doesn’t surprise Querl that Lyle can tell that he’s dwelling on it by the look on his face. These days, Querl can tell so many things about Lyle just through his partner’s expressions and body language.

“I’m sorry,” Lyle says, like it’s his fault. “I made you remember it again, didn’t I?”

“It isn’t your fault,” Querl says. He closes his eyes. “Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if you hadn’t found me.”

“I would have died trying,” the other boy says. His expression is grim and determined. “I never would have left you behind.”

Sometimes it shakes Querl to his core to know how loyal Lyle is to him. It’s not that Lyle would ever follow him blindly or live only to please him. In fact, Lyle is just independent as Querl is, and does not truly need anyone at his side in order to reach great heights. He chooses to have Querl at his side because he loves him. And that is something that never ceases to amaze Querl.

\--

There is a soft-spoken human girl whose family lives in Kansas, a more rural region than Metropolis. She is Querl’s nurse and attends to his every need. Her accent is lilting. Her hair hangs in blonde waves down below her shoulder blades and she reminds Querl of Laurel. For this reason, in particular, he is found of her. Her name is Catherine.

Lyle can’t be with Querl all of the time, and when he is gone, Catherine keeps Querl company. She has the patience to sit and listen to Querl when he feels like talking about the latest advances in nanotechnology or his studies in dating the exact ages of stars and how, before all of this happened, he was about to petition Earth for permission to study the Sun using his own handmade probes.

In combination with Lyle’s constant support, making a new friend helps Querl get through the last few months of his pregnancy.

“Any day now, sweetie,” Catherine says as she gathers up Querl’s lunch tray and sets it aside. She is both kind and practical. Querl no longer feels embarrassed to tell her about his various ailments, including his sore breasts and the various times he has urinated on himself in his sleep. “Are you ready to get this over with?”

The answer to that question is both yes and no. Of course Querl is done with being pregnant, but as his due date draws near, he can’t help being nervous about actually giving birth.

“You finally get to see your little girl,” Catherine says. Querl has known the baby’s gender for months but he still just thinks of it as a genderless thing and can’t quite make himself assign it a more human identity in his mind.

He leans back against his pillows and sighs. “I suppose.”

Catherine touches his shoulder. “You’re not ready to be a mama, are you, sweetie?”

“Is that what I’m going to be?” Querl asks faintly. “A mother?”

“What else would you be?” the nurse asks him with a smile.

“An incubator.”

“Don’t say things like that,” Catherine scolds. She’s used to his pessimism by now but doesn’t tolerate it. “What will you name her?”

“I haven’t thought about it,” Querl admits. How can he name the child when he still hasn’t convinced himself that it’s even real?

“I’ll bet Lyle has thought of names,” Catherine says with a chuckle. She holds her hands out to him. “Come on, let’s put you in the chair while I change the sheets.”

When he stands from the bed with Catherine’s help, he feels the first contraction. He ignores it and lets Catherine settle him into the chair without saying a word to her about it. It’s not the first time he has felt contraction pains. Over the past few days, there have been several false alarms.

He feels another contraction a short while later, so he shifts in the chair to get comfortable. When he feels a third contraction soon after, he frowns and starts timing them.

Catherine turns back to him when she has finished making the bed. She pauses when she sees him, perhaps seeing the pain and fear that he hasn’t vocalized written on his face.

“Querl, sweetie, are you having contractions?” she asks him knowingly. As she has told Querl before, this is not her first rodeo.

“The contractions are evenly spaced,” Querl replies. “They start in my lower back and move to my abdomen. They’re not too painful yet but I think they’re getting worse. It’s not the same as false labor.”

The nurse pets his hair to soothe him, never one to crack under pressure. “Sounds like you’re in labor, dear. There’s no need to panic. It’s high time for your baby to get here, isn’t it? Let’s move you back to the bed.”

“But Lyle’s not here!” Querl says, alarmed. “I can’t… I can’t be in labor. Lyle won’t be back until tonight. He’s helping Mr. Brande with the case.”

“Relax,” Catherine says as she helps him stand. “We’ll call him for you and have him here in no time. You can’t stop your baby from coming when it wants to.”

He opens his mouth to object once more when his water breaks. The liquid splashes on the floor.

“Querl, it’s okay,” Catherine murmurs, her hands on his shoulders. “It’s just time.”

Horrified, Querl just stares at the liquid on the floor. Some of it splashed on his feet. Another contraction hits him and he grits his teeth.

Catherine helps him lie down and reassures him that he’s fine. “I’m going to get Dr. Tannen,” she says. “Try to relax. You’re going to need your strength.”

She returns moments later with Dr. Tannen in tow. The man is a friendly, round individual who never takes things seriously enough, but is still somehow one of the best obstetricians on Earth. Mr. Brande insisted that Querl have this doctor specifically.

“Let’s have a look, shall we?” Tannen asks as he pulls on rubber gloves. “Can you spread your legs for me, Querl?”

Even though he does as the doctor asks, his heart pounding in his chest, Querl just wants to curl up in a ball and hide. Where is Lyle? He needs his partner.

“Did someone call Lyle?” he asks. “Is he coming?”

“I’ll have someone call him,” Catherine promises.

“How far apart are your contractions?” asks Dr. Tannen.

“Just try to relax,” says Catherine.

“Looks like your baby is definitely coming today,” says Dr. Tannen.

“Try to get some rest,” Catherine tells him. “You’ve still got a long ways to go.”

It’s another hour before anyone actually calls Lyle. Catherine tells him that Lyle is on his way but it will take him another two hours because he was with Mr. Brande and the lawyer, Jorge, at Takron Galtos, making one last attempt to bargain with Zanda.

Miserable and in pain, Querl stubbornly resists the urge to cry.

“Sweetie, it could be hours before you’re ready for the hard part,” Catherine tries to comfort him. “He’ll be here in time, I promise.”

Two hours later, Lyle calls to tell them that his shuttle was delayed. He’ll be another two hours. Querl feels like he’s going crazy waiting for his partner and hoping that the early labor will last long enough. He’s not convinced that it’s going to be very much longer, despite what Catherine tells him. He just feels like things are going to start happening soon and he needs Lyle with him.

Four hours after the contractions started, Querl experiences the most painful contraction yet. He cries out from the intensity of it. Catherine, who has been by his side, watches him with a worried expression.

He has two more of the painful contractions, barely five minutes apart, and his eyes are watering. Catherine goes to get Dr. Tannen again.

Tannen asks how far apart the contractions are again and Querl forces out a breathless answer because he’s in the middle of a painful one. The doctor has him put his legs up in the stirrups on the bed.

“Things are moving fast,” Tannen says. “Now, Querl, this is going to be very frightening, I’m sure, but I want you to try and stay calm. Catherine and I will be with you the whole time and everything will be fine. Your baby is in position and ready, and you shouldn’t have any trouble delivering her, okay?”

“I want Lyle,” Querl grits out in between contractions. “Please, I _need_ Lyle.”

“Breathe,” Catherine instructs, taking his hands in her own. “Your boyfriend will be here soon. Just breathe. In and out.”

Querl does his best to imitate the breathing exercises that he and Lyle have been working on for the last couple of weeks, but he feels unbalanced without his partner at his side to guide him. He suffers through another hour of these more painful contractions, dreading what’s to come. He’s terrified and disoriented. Lyle is supposed to _be here_.

He feels a contraction that hits him so hard he screams. In the aftermath, he pants and whimpers while Dr. Tannen checks him yet again.

“Fully dilated,” says Tannen. “You’re probably feeling the need to push now. Don’t hold back. You can start.”

“But, Lyle isn’t here!” Querl protests and gasps in pain, the instinct to push starting to override his desire to wait for his partner.

“Go ahead and push, Querl,” Tannen insists. “You can’t make your baby wait now.”

With tears streaming down his face, Querl gives in at the next contraction and pushes. He grips Catherine’s hands tightly, desperate for an anchor.

“You’re doing great,” the nurse assures him each time he pushes. She murmurs kind words to him and keeps holding his hands. In Lyle’s absence, she is Querl’s only source of comfort.

“Almost there!” the doctor tells him after half an hour of pushing. “I can see the baby’s head now. Would you like to see?”

“N-No,” Querl huffs. “I just… just want L-Lyle.”

Lyle said he would be here for this. Querl was counting on him for this. Surely Lyle knew how scared he was for this part.

Dr. Tannen and Catherine both cheer and congratulate him as the baby finally emerges. Querl feels a sense of dazed relief as his daughter is gently pulled from his body.

“Here’s your baby,” Catherine coos as the doctor lays the bloody infant on Querl’s belly. The nurse hurries to get a blanket to cover the child with to keep it warm. The doctor cuts and clamps the umbilical cord.

Lyle comes rushing into the room, sweaty and disheveled.

Querl is too numb by then to care very much.

“I am so sorry,” Lyle whispers as he stumbles into the room. He collapses in the chair by the bed and reaches out to take Querl’s hand in his. He stares at the baby, transfixed. In the meantime, the baby has been squalling terribly.

Everything seems distant to Querl.

“She’s beautiful,” Lyle whispers.

\--

Querl just wants to be left alone. After the birth is finally over and he has been cleaned up and tucked into bed, he wants nothing more than peace and quiet. He does not want Catherine to bring the baby back into the room, tiny and wrapped up in pink.

“Here’s your baby girl, Mama,” Catherine says, placing the baby in his arms. “Why don’t you try feeding her?”

“Are you okay, Brainy?” Lyle asks when Querl doesn’t react. “… Come on, B, I’ll help you.”

The other boy unties Querl’s gown and gently pulls it down to expose one breast. He moves the baby up and the infant mouths at Querl’s breast clumsily, hungry and seeking. Then she finds what she’s looking for and begins to nurse.

It’s the last straw. A low wail escapes Querl and he clenches his eyes shut as he starts to sob.

“Brainy!” Lyle sounds panicked. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

But Querl can’t explain it. He doesn’t want the baby nursing, he doesn’t want the baby to even be in the same room as he is, and he feels awful for that. How can he explain to Lyle that he wants nothing to do with his own child?

The baby doesn’t even have a name. Querl hasn’t thought of any. He still doesn’t have any name he wants to give to her.

“Sweetie, you’re just tired and overwhelmed,” Catherine tells him kindly. “Cheer up, okay? Your boyfriend is here for you and you’re finally a mother. Your little girl is beautiful.”

“Just… Just get her away from me,” Querl manages to choke out. “Please, please, I can’t do this. I can’t be a mother, I don’t want to be, I just want everything back the way it was. Lyle, please, will you fix it? Please fix it.”

He knows Lyle hears him and understands what he’s asking for but Lyle doesn’t fix anything; he doesn’t even take the baby away. Instead, Lyle just sits there, frozen in place.

“It’s not fair!” Querl exclaims, angry that Lyle isn’t responding. “I didn’t want this; I didn’t want any of this, so please just get her away from me!”

Lyle snaps out of whatever daze he was in and narrows his eyes at Querl. “She was just born, Brainy, she needs to eat. You can’t just decide you don’t want her anymore. You’re being an idiot.”

There’s no point in Lyle telling him that he’s being an idiot because Querl already knows this. This is the same thing his mother did to him. He wonders if she spent nine months in misery as well, trying to ignore the child that had been forced on her. He shares her fate, the fate of Vril Dox, and he wonders if it is impossible for Brainiac children to be happy.

“I can’t do this,” he whispers. He turns to Catherine, his expression pleading. “I want to give her up. What do I have to sign?”

He can’t tie himself down with a child. There’s still so much he wants to do with his life and he’s just not cut out for taking care of a baby. There’s no way he can be this little girl’s mother when he isn’t even female, not really. He just can’t be “Mama.” There has to be someone else who can give the baby what she needs.

Catherine looks torn as she stares at him, her gaze occasionally turning to the baby at Querl’s breast. She looks at Lyle, whose expression is so stormy now. Lyle nods.

The nurse gets up and leaves the room.

“You’re about to make a big mistake,” Lyle says when she is gone. “If you do this, Brainy, you will regret it for the rest of your life.”

“But I’ll have the rest of my life,” Querl replies. He doesn’t dare look Lyle in the eyes. “I can put all of this behind me.”

The baby stops nursing and Lyle takes her from Querl. He cradles her to his chest and looks down at her with pure adoration. “Did you at least name her?”

“No, I didn’t,” Querl says as he fixes his gown. “It’s not my place.”

Lyle doesn’t say anything for a few moments. Then he stands up, still holding the baby, and walks out of the room without a word.

As he watches his partner go, a feeling of despair settles on Querl. What has he done?

TBC

 


	13. Telling Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is sort of short and I apologize but I wanted a distinct separation between the last scene in this part and the first scene in the next part.

**The Sum of Us**

**Chapter 13: Telling Secrets**

_Got no reason, got no shame._

_Got no family I can blame._

_Just don't let me disappear._

_I'mma tell you everything._

_-OneRepublic, “Secrets”_  

It's not a plan that Lyle is particularly proud of but it takes hardly any time at all. One call to Mr. Brande and Lyle has all the necessary paperwork within the hour. It's too easy and it shows Lyle that the Legion is lucky to have Brande on their side because the man has power. It comes with the astounding amount of wealth Brande has accrued throughout his life, no doubt.

The nurse watches Lyle fill the paperwork out with a sour expression on her face. She has already expressed her opinion that these matters should wait a while longer, after Brainy has recovered enough to be rational about things. Lyle isn't willing to wait until Brainy is coherent enough to see through his plan. It's not fair to Brainy but it needs to be done nonetheless.

He marches into Brainy's room and slams the papers down on her bedside table. “There are the papers you wanted. Sign them, unless you've changed your mind.”

Brainy looks like she's been crying. She stares at the papers, her eyes dull and tired, before taking the pen from Lyle and scrawling her signature onto them.

“There,” she mutters. “It's done.”

“Do you have any idea what you just did?” Lyle's patience is too thin and Brainy's nonchalance about the situation is the last straw. “You just signed away your baby! And you have no sprocking clue who you signed her over to! It could have been Colu, for all you knew, and you signed the damned thing without even looking at it!”

The girl flinches back from him, her eyes growing wide. She doesn't look like Brainy, not the Brainy that he knew. Lyle does not recognize this frail, trembling woman who can't look him in the eyes and it makes him angry. It makes his heart ache.

He grabs the papers up roughly. “Fine, that's just fine if you don't give a damn about her. She's not yours anymore. She's mine now.”

“Yours?” Brainy straightens up, an alarmed expression on her face. “Lyle, what did you do?”

“What did I do?” he snaps back at her. “I did what you couldn't! I gave that child a home and a parent who loves her!”

Brainy's bottom lip quivers. “But I tried to love her. It's not my fault. Please, you have to understand. I'm not ready for a kid. I never wanted this...”

“Yeah, and I'll bet that's the same way _your_ mother felt when she had _you_!” Tears burn Lyle's eyes as he fights to hold them back. How can Brainy be so stupid? “I've seen what that did to you. I've seen you spend your life wishing you'd been good enough for her. You think I'm going to let you do that to our baby girl? I... B, I love you too much to let you do that.”

For a moment, he thinks that he has finally gotten through to her because the look on her face is so stricken. And then she crumbles to pieces before his eyes, pressing her hands to her eyes and sobbing openly into them. The sound of it is so terrible that Lyle just wants to cover his ears and run.

“Don't cry,” he whispers, as he feels the water in his eyes gather at the corners, preparing to trickle down his face. He blinks the water back and bites his lip. The papers in his hand feel suddenly heavy – the hand holding them drops to his side and hangs there nerveless, only his fingers clutching the forms still operable.

Brainy doesn't hear him because he said it too quietly for her to hear over her wails. Slowly, he steps closer to the bed. He puts the papers down on the bedside table.

“Shh,” he says as he sits down on the bed beside her and draws her into an embrace. She is thin and bony and tense against him, her tears dampening his shirt. “Why are you crying? Come on, Honeybee, why are you crying?”

Her hands grasp handfuls of his shirt. “B-because,” she chokes out between sobs, “you're g-going to l-leave m-m-me, Lyle!”

“No!” Lyle exclaims in dismay. “I'm not leaving you! Grife, Brainy, I'm not leaving you. I will _never_ leave you, okay? I won't, I wouldn't do that to you. Stop crying, okay? Please stop crying. I... I love you. I love you so much.”

Tears escape his eyes, rolling down his face to hide in Brainy's golden hair.

He should have known that Brainy would jump to this conclusion. It isn't his intention to trade Brainy out for the baby. Not that his real plan, his plan to force Brainy to take care of her baby, is any better.

There's nothing to do but let her cry it out until she is exhausted from the effort and her sobs are reduced to sniffles. He doesn't try to talk to her, except to murmur occasional words of comfort. Instead, he waits until she speaks first.

“What you said... About me being like my mother. That's true, isn't it? I'm no better than her. I'm... I'm just as terrible as she is.”

Brainy's voice is hoarse from crying. She looks up at Lyle with bleary eyes.

“You're just stressed,” Lyle assures her kindly. “And maybe... You know, we'll have to talk to a specialist about it, but maybe it's postpartum depression. It happens to some people. You've been through a lot of bad stuff, B, and you're... you're scared. You're just scared and stressed. And that's okay.”

He brushes the hair back out of her face. It's getting long, he thinks to himself. She hasn't had a haircut in a while. Maybe a haircut would make her feel a little better.

“That doesn't excuse what I...” Fresh tears roll down Brainy's face and Lyle wonders how she still has the ability to produce tears. “I thought my life was miserable before, on Colu. If I'd been female then, I... I don't know if I ever would have gotten out. Mother didn't, not until after she had me. Maybe that was the last straw for her.”

“Your mother can't feel emotions,” Lyle reminds her. “She has problems.”

“So do I!” Brainy shudders and looks away from him. “I know it's not the same. Maybe I'm just making excuses for her again. But the thing is, you're right, Lyle. I'm doing the same thing that she did. It doesn't matter that I can feel and she can't. Maybe that makes it worse, because at least _she_ didn't hate her own baby.”

Lyle sighs and leans forward to kiss the top of Brainy's hair. “You don't hate her. Everything is going to be okay, I promise. We'll fix this.”

There's that promise again. He should know better by now but maybe they just need time to sort it all out. Maybe he really can make it all okay again. If nothing else, he can keep trying. Every day, he can tell Brainy how much he loves her. He can help her bond with her daughter, and one day, maybe this time will be a distant memory and Brainy will be happy and thriving again.

Brainy is silent for a while, as though she isn't ready to accept that promise again. After everything that has happened, Lyle doesn't blame her.

“What's her name?” Brainy asks finally. “The baby, I mean.”

“... Juliet Dox Norg,” Lyle replies. He forces a smile. “I know it's an Earth name but I don't know any Coluan names. And she's beautiful, Brainy. She looks just like you.”

“I wanted you to be here,” the girl mumbles. “I was... scared. But you were too late.”

This isn't just about the birth, Lyle thinks, because it's not the first time he's been too late. The first time was the one that counted.

“I would have been here if I could have been,” he assures her. “Actually, I wanted to be here. I wanted to share that moment with you. Sometimes we can't have everything that we want. But we can still have each other, you know. Everything that has happened, it doesn't have to stand in the way of what we have together. I love you.”

He wonders if this is going to work. Maybe Brainy is already lost to him. What she has been through might be more than she's capable of ever coping with. And to ask her to take care of a baby, on top of everything else, might be too much to expect of her.

But when it comes right down to it, he really does love Brainy in whatever form she takes. He can't let her go now.

-

Three weeks after the birth, Querl is still recovering but the doctor has decided that it's time for Querl to move back to the apartment. He has largely regained his strength – or what was left of his strength after his transformation and rape – and no longer has difficulty keeping food down. He is steadily becoming independent once more and if he can just get a clean bill of health from his therapists, maybe he'll get to go back to the Legion soon.

However, even though he is physically recovering, he finds himself hampered mentally by the presence of his infant daughter. Even though he gave her up, she's still living in the same apartment he is, because Lyle is now her legal guardian. In his panicked state of mind after giving birth, Querl never even considered that Lyle would take such measures to keep them all together. Now, he feels like he's letting Lyle down because even weeks afterward, the hysteria has not passed enough for Querl to feel happiness in his daughter's presence.

Lyle, for his part, tries to take every opportunity to force bonding time on Querl and Juliet. He never leaves Querl alone with the baby for very long because he fears that Querl is suffering from postpartum depression and even Querl has to admit that sometimes his thoughts regarding Juliet are so black that he too is afraid what he might do if left unsupervised with her. Sometimes he can't help but see her as the ball and chain holding him back.

It's worse than just what he thinks about the baby. Sometimes the things he thinks about himself are much worse. He thinks about going up to the roof of the apartment complex and jumping off. Worse than that, even, he thinks about taking Juliet with him and ending the misery for both of them. He knows he's never going to be the mother Juliet deserves, and he knows what it's like to grow up feeling unloved. Maybe it would be better to save Juliet from that kind of existence.

But in the end, Juliet belongs to Lyle more than she belongs to Querl, even though Lyle says she belongs to both of them. And Querl belongs to Lyle too, or at least he's in Lyle's dept, and after everything that has happened, he knows that if Lyle wants him to keep living, then that's what he's going to try to do.

One morning, when he's feeling dull and worn down like he always does, he wanders into the kitchen and finds Lyle struggling to operate his Omnicom while holding Juliet at the same time. Lyle looks up when he comes into the room and smiles, relieved.

“Thank grife you're awake,” the human says. “Come here for a sec.”

When Querl obeys and moves closer, Lyle pushes Juliet into his arms. “She's already been fed and she should be ready for a nap soon but every time I put her down, she starts wailing. I have to finish filling out some paperwork for Jorge. The trial's coming up in a few weeks.”

Querl wants to object but he can't come up with a good reason why Lyle should hold the baby himself or just lay her down and let her cry it out. It's not fair to the baby, he realizes, and it makes him feel guilty to realize that he's trying to put his own comfort ahead of hers. That's not what Legionnaires do. If he can't even take care of his own daughter, there's no way he's ready to go back to the Legion.

He sits down near Lyle, holding the baby awkwardly. At first, he avoids looking at her as much as possible but then he accidentally looks in her eyes and he freezes. The look he sees there says that his baby girl is fully conscious of the world around her. She sees and understands everything because she's like Querl.

The horrible truth of it crashes over him like a wave. She knows what he has already done. Even if he tried now to fix it all and be a good parent for her, she is always going to remember the day she was born as the day her mother tried to abandon her.

“Sprock...” he whispers, putting a hand over his mouth. His eyes are stinging with tears but he doesn't want to cry anymore. Can't he hold his daughter for five minutes without breaking down over it?

He can't look away from her baby blue eyes, even though the last thing he wants to do is give her more terrible things to remember. What if he screws her up for the rest of her life? He thought he was doing the right thing by going through with giving birth to her, but maybe he was wrong. Maybe she'll never be happy because she'll always think this was all her fault.

“Brainy?” Lyle's hands grip Querl's face and gently force him to look up. “Babe, why are you crying?”

Querl tries to take a breath but ends up sobbing. He's ruined everything. The best thing he can possibly do for his daughter is to leave her with Lyle and... and keep his distance. He can go back to the Time Institute, can't he? And Lyle can go back to the Legion and bring Juliet up, and she'll at least have one person who can love her unconditionally.

But Lyle's arms are suddenly around him, pulling him close with Juliet cushioned between their bodies. The other boy kisses his cheek.

“It's going to be okay. You have to heal, is all, and I'm going to help you. If you need to cry, then just cry. I'm here for you.”

“I don't want to cry in front of her,” Querl chokes out, hiding his face against Lyle's shoulder. “She'll remember me like this and I don't want that. I can't... I don't want her to see me like this.”

Lyle draws back from him, pressing another soft kiss to his cheek. “It's okay. She won't care.”

“She'll think I don't love her,” Querl says and he knows he's blubbering but he can't help it. “After what I did at the hospital, she'll think I never wanted her.”

“She can't possibly remember that,” Lyle murmurs.

Querl shakes his head. “You don't understand. I remember when I was born. I remember my mother leaving me. And you're right, I did the same thing to Juliet that my mother did to me, and now she's always going to remember that on the day she was born, I tried to get rid of her.”

“Oh, Brainy.” Lyle raises a hand to stroke Querl's cheek. “If you're right, it still won't matter, because you do love her. And I tell her that every day. She knows how much you care.”

Between them, a giggle from Juliet draws Querl's gaze back down to her sweet, cherub face. This time when he locks gazes with her, she smiles at him, her face expressive in the way only a Coluan child can be at such a tender age.

It's like she's telling him that it's okay. She's tiny and beautiful, and Querl wonders how he has missed seeing how amazing she is all this time. How did this little thing ever survive inside of him with all that misery and self-loathing?

“See?” Lyle whispers. “She loves you.”

Querl can't hold back anymore. He breaks down in sobs and clings to his daughter. “I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hurt her. I was just so scared and I didn't know what to do!”

“It's okay.” Lyle takes Juliet from him, perhaps worried that Querl is holding her too tight. “You've been through a lot, and no one blames you for struggling. Can't you see that the only person who is upset with you is _you_? You have to forgive yourself and accept that you haven't done anything wrong.”

But is that really true? Querl isn't sure he believes that he hasn't done anything wrong. Everything that has happened comes down to him, ultimately. He wasn't strong enough to protect himself and he wasn't smart enough to take measures to prevent pregnancy before it was too late. Then he assumed he could handle the responsibility of having a child, but that was wrong too. And his daughter has suffered because he let himself break down in that hospital room and say stupid things that he knows now he didn't mean.

Lyle rises from his seat and takes Juliet away to another room. A few moments later, he returns without her and sits down in a chair beside Querl.

“I know you don't want to, but could you... tell me about what happened that day?” he asks in a soft tone. “Can you share that with me?”

“I was raped,” Querl says without emotion.

“No, I know that much.” Lyle touches his cheek. “Just... tell me about it, okay?”

Querl is too tired to argue. “You don't want to hear about it.”

“Tell me anyway,” says Lyle.

So Querl takes a deep breath and makes himself speak. “I heard people coming, so I tried to hide from them but one of them – Zanda – noticed me. I tried to run and I called you for help but you didn't answer. The ship left the dock and lurched - it made me trip. Of course, I expected my forceshield to protect me from the fall but it didn't work. Zanda had done something to keep my belt from working.

They questioned me a little at first but then Zanda said something about... how pretty I was for a boy. Her companion, Dram, wasn't interested. That was when she... changed me. It hurt. It was like my whole body was being crumpled up and then flattened out again. I was disoriented when it stopped and I knew something was wrong – my clothes were too big and my ring fell off my finger – but I couldn't figure out what had happened.”

He grips his knees as he tries to stay calm and explain it all to Lyle, but he's scared and he's so deeply mortified by what happened to him, even now. Then Lyle's hands cover his, squeezing gently, and Querl musters a little strength.

“Zanda told Dram to 'subdue' me and then she left. Dram grabbed my belt before I could put a shield up and he threw it against the wall and busted it. And then he grabbed me and forced me into an empty room and... there was a bed. I should have known then, you know, but none of it made sense. But I saw my reflection – how I had changed – and then I realized he was going to hurt me and I tried to fight him off.

He held me down on the bed and ripped my uniform off. And then he pushed my face against the mattress. It was hard to breathe and I was terrified and then... Then I felt him penetrate me. Lyle, it felt like he was ripping me apart. I just screamed. There was nothing else I could do.”

When Lyle wipes tears from Querl's cheeks, Querl realizes that he's crying. For so long, he's been afraid to tell anyone about this. And he doesn't really know why. They already know he was raped and that his rapist got him pregnant, does it really get any more embarrassing than that?

“When he...when he finished, I knew I was in trouble because I could feel it. I don't know why I didn't do something about it immediately when we got back home, I guess I was still in shock and I didn't think about it. And I still couldn't believe I was really changed. Magic isn't supposed to work, not on a scale like that, and I guess I was thinking it was an illusion and I could fix it. But I couldn't fix it. By the time I accepted that, I found out I was pregnant and I didn't know what to do.”

They sit together in silence for a while until Lyle speaks.

“Thank you for telling me. I know that was hard for you.”

Querl shrugs. “Actually, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I've been dealing with it by myself for a long time now and I trust you. The only reason I didn't tell anyone was because I was... am... ashamed of it.”

“You don't need to be ashamed.” Lyle gives him a sad smile. “That's why I wanted you to tell me. I know that every time I tell you that it's not your fault, part of you thinks I don't know what I'm talking about because I couldn't know what happened. Now I know. And it's still not your fault. What they did to you was terrible. You have to come to terms with being a victim. All of us are vulnerable sometimes. You got hurt. Now you have to heal.”

It does make him feel better but it doesn't convince him. Querl puts his head in his hands. “I was so angry about what happened. I still am, but I can't keep letting it make my life harder. If you hadn't been there to intervene, Lyle, I would have lost my daughter over this. I don't know what I was thinking.”

“That's why I'm here,” Lyle says. “I knew this was going to be hard and you couldn't do it on your own. I love you, Brainy, and I'm never going to let you go through this alone. Remember, even when you feel like the universe is against you, I'm still here and I will never stop loving you and fighting for you.”

Maybe leaving Lyle and Juliet isn't the best idea that Querl has ever had, after all. Maybe that was just his panic talking again. If he leaves Lyle, he'll be alone the next time everything gets to be too much. And Lyle shouldn't have to raise Juliet by himself.

“I've thought about leaving,” he admits quietly. “I've considered that you and Juliet might be better off without me around. But I'm not going anywhere. I still need you, Lyle. And I love you too. I love you so much that it hurts sometimes.”

Lyle touches his cheek and guides his head up. Then he presses his lips against Querl's and kisses him.

TBC


	14. Shots in the Dark

**The Sum of Us**

**Chapter 14: Shots in the Dark**

_You're naked inside your fear._

_You can't take back all those years._

_The shots in the dark from empty guns_

_are never heard by anyone._

_-Goo Goo Dolls, “Naked”_  

Telling Lyle about the rape in the privacy of their apartment is one thing. When it comes to sharing his story with a courtroom full of people, it's an entirely different story. Though Querl does his best to prepare himself before the trial, he still freezes when he is asked to take the stand. And when he is asked to recount the details of what happened to him on the pirate vessel, he hesitates for a long moment, suddenly unable to remember how to speak.

He trudges through the tale, feeling himself growing more and more exhausted by the second. Remembering what happened is taxing. If he could ignore it forever, then he would do so.

It gives him a little strength when he sees Lyle watching him, and his partner flashes an encouraging smile at him. Querl has to pause several times throughout his tail but he keeps going. He refuses to look at his attackers, who are not physically present but are on a vidscreen instead. Even though they're not in the room with him, they make Querl sick to his stomach with fear.

The trial lasts a month, during which time Querl recovers completely from giving birth to Juliet. By the time it's all over and Zanda and Dram have been sentenced and put behind bars permanently, Querl never wants to hear about the case again. He wants to take Lyle and Juliet and go back to Legion World, the only place he really feels safe.

Lyle isn't ready to go back. He wants Querl to stay Earthside a while longer and keep seeing his therapists. He'd feel better about going back, he says, if Querl was going out to do things other than just attending his court dates and his psychiatric appointments. That's hard to deal with. Querl is afraid of going out. Every time he leaves the apartment, he feels vulnerable. Inside the apartment drives him crazy because he feels like he's trapped there with his unhappy lover and a child he doesn't know how to take care of. But outside is worse. Outside is where they get you.

Even though he never has nightmares, Querl doesn't sleep well. He lies awake at night thinking about everything. His brain just won't shut off until it literally is too exhausted to function. Sometimes he doesn't sleep all night long. The sleep deprivation is getting to him. He just doesn't know how to fix it.

Being female still makes no sense to him. It's like seeing the universe through a totally different perspective, even though the universe is just the same as it has always been. Now that his body is his own, he feels like he should start learning to feel comfortable in it. At least he's not carrying a child around inside of him anymore. But that's easier said than done.

And then, he experiences his first menstrual cycle and it sends him spiraling back down into depression. It's severely painful and makes his hormones go crazy, but worse than that, he bleeds for days. The first night, he's unprepared and when he wakes up in the morning, he has bled all over the sheets. When Lyle sees what has happened, Querl breaks down and cries, mortified and completely lost as to what to do about the situation.

But Lyle comforts him and helps him clean up, reminds him that this is a natural process for women, and then goes to the store for feminine products. The other boy doesn't blush of stutter over the subject, instead treating it like he would any serious situation, with logic and understanding.

Querl is immensely relieved when his cycle is over and he can go back to ignoring his new anatomy. At some point, the advice of all this therapists starts going in one ear and out the other. Maybe he is deluding himself, trying to forget about things instead of dealing with them, but if that's what it takes just to survive in the universe these days, then that's how it will be.

“I feel as though you've improved in some ways and taken a step backwards in others,” says Dr. Norris, ever the diplomat about her wording. “Your partner and I have spoken in his personal sessions about your reluctance to leave the apartment. Are you hiding, Querl?”

Querl folds his hands over top his head and stares at the floor, refusing to look her in the eyes. “It's where I feel safe.”

“I think you need to push yourself a little harder,” says Dr. Norris. “Now that your case is over, Lyle tells me that he wants to see you come out of your shell before the two of you move back to Legion World. Honestly, I would feel better myself if I felt you were at least functioning on your own again before you leave our sessions.”

The case isn't really over. There's still the sentient trafficking that's being investigated and there's a real possibility that Querl will be called back to testify again, and maybe this case will go on for the rest of Querl's life. Maybe he'll never be rid of it.

So he says, “At this point, I just want to get through each day without falling apart. You can understand, surely, that I feel I'll never return to 'normal.' And if surviving means I never leave my apartment, isn't that better than the alternative?”

“Is killing yourself the alternative you're talking about?” the therapist asks him in return.

He flinches. “I... feel like I owe it to Lyle to keep living. It's what he wants.”

“But you've still had suicidal thoughts recently?”

“Yes,” Querl admits. “I have them all of the time.”

Dr. Norris is quiet for a few moments as she considers this information. At last, she says, “I want to put you on an anti-depressant. I know that in the past, you've expressed the desire to learn how to cope without medication and I respect that, I really do. But I want you to consider setting an appointment with a colleague of mine – a psychiatrist. I trust his expertise and I think that maybe you need to be in a better frame of mind in order to heal further from your trauma.”

“I...” Querl can't think of any reason why he shouldn't follow her advice, except that he doesn't want medication and he doesn't want another reason to be stuck on Earth. “Dr. Norris, I just want to go home.”

“Please consider this,” Dr. Norris says. “I want you to be able to go home, I do. But if you go back before you're ready, I'm worried that it will set you back. You can't just hide from this. It feels like hiding is the best option right now, but you will be missing out on so much in your life. Don't let this beat you.”

“I'll think about it,” Querl says. He doesn't want to, but he knows he'll probably give in. If taking medication is the only way he can go home, he'll do it.

Lyle meets him in the lobby with Juliet. The baby is wrapped snugly in a sling on Lyle's chest, where she is drowsing. When he sees them, Querl wordlessly reaches out for Juliet and Lyle hands her over to him without protest. The baby fusses a little at being disturbed, but then settles again when her head is pillowed by Querl's breasts.

“How did it go today?” Lyle asks.

“As well as can be expected,” Querl mutters. “She wants me to see a psychiatrist and possibly get a prescription for an anti-depressant.”

His lover pulls him into an embrace. “It'll be okay, B. Maybe it will help.”

Querl leans against Lyle and tries not to cry anymore. He is depressed and he cannot deny that medication seems to be the only remaining option. But he wanted to beat this on his own.

The ride home is quiet. When they get back to the apartment, Lyle puts Juliet down in her crib and returns to the work he's been doing on the case. Even now that Zanda and Dram are behind bars, Lyle is determined to see this all of the way through. Something about promising the other prisoners on that ship that someone would come for them. Querl doesn't have the strength to tell him to stop.

For the rest of the evening, Lyle is consumed with his research. Querl fixes them sandwiches for dinner and feeds Juliet himself and even bathes her and carries her around the apartment until she's ready to sleep for the night. After he puts her down, Querl stays up another hour and watches Lyle work, until Lyle tells him to go to bed ahead of him. Reluctantly, Querl retires without his partner, hoping that Lyle will soon follow. He falls asleep waiting.

A noise, like someone walking through the apartment, disturbs Querl's sleep some time in the night. At first, when he looks and sees that Lyle still has not come to bed, he thinks that the noise is just Lyle moving about. But it sounds wrong; the footsteps are too heavy to be Lyle. Querl sits upright in bed and listens, trying to figure out what is going on.

Climbing out of bed, he goes to the bedroom door and opens it as quietly as he can to peer out. The sight that greets him is enough to make him shriek and fall backwards from the door.

They're here. Zanda and Dram are here in his apartment. Lyle is lying sprawled on the floor but there are no signs of a struggle. They must have caught him off guard; Lyle wouldn't have been expecting an attack here.

No, no, no, they can't be here. Querl looks around the room, trying to remember where he put his belt, but the footsteps are suddenly moving towards this room and then the door swings open and Dram is there, towering over Querl. In an instant, he has seized Querl by the hands and drags him out into the living room, where Zanda is sitting on the couch, casually smoking.

“Cat got your tongue, baby?” she asks Querl with a cruel smile. “You're being so quiet. Didn't expect us to show up here, did you?”

Querl tries to speak but his voice catches in his throat. He tugs his arms in vain, trying to escape Dram's hold because the man's touch is starting to make him hyperventilate. He looks to Lyle's still body, willing his lover to move and show some sign of life.

“Don't worry, he's not dead,” Zanda says. “I don't make a habit of killing people, dear. It's so wasteful. No, I was thinking about taking him with us. Don't you think he'd make a pretty girl?” He magic sparks on her fingertips.

“No!” Querl explodes, terror getting the best of him. “Don't touch him, you bitch!”

Zanda begins to laugh and at the same moment, Juliet starts to squall from the bedroom. The sorceress's attention shifts to the sound of the child and she looks positively delighted. “Oh, that's right, Dram. You've got yourself a little bastard. Not the first time, I'm sure. Why don't we have a look at her?”

“Leave her alone!” Querl begs as Dram drags him along behind them to the bedroom. “Please, leave my daughter alone! She hasn't done anything to you, she's innocent, please!”

In her crib, Juliet is crying and crying, perhaps sensing somehow that things are not as they should be. Zanda laughs again as she leans over the child, poking Juliet with one finger.

“A carbon copy of her mother,” the sorceress says. “Babies are such a bother, though. What do you think, Dram?”

“Leave the infant,” Dram replies. “Its screams are grating on my nerves. The other boy is too dangerous to take, considering his abilities. This one will do.”

Querl begins to shake his head in denial, fighting even harder against his captor's hold. “No, please! Don't do this to me, I'm begging you, leave me alone!”

“No can do, baby,” Zanda says, patting Querl's cheek. “I think you need to go to sleep for a little while. You're going to wake up everyone in this place.”

Her fingers touch the back of his neck and Querl feels a shock run through his body before everything falls away.

–

Lyle is sleeping soundly but a crying baby disturbs him. He fights to ignore the sound at first, confused by the sound for a moment, before he remembers that it is his daughter who is crying. So he drags himself out of sleep. Then he realizes that he is sleeping on the floor. He doesn't remember how he got there. The last thing he remembers is working on the case, and then... nothing.

Scrambling to his feet, Lyle stumbles to the bedroom, wondering why Brainy isn't tending to the baby. Maybe Brainy is having a spell. But when he gets to Juliet's side, he realizes that Brainy is not in the room. He picks up the baby and begins to bounce her in his arms, trying to soothe her, but she won't be quieted. She just keeps crying.

“Brainy?” he calls out, searching for his lover. He checks the bathroom, then the kitchen and the laundry room, all to no avail. Juliet continues to screech and Lyle is starting to panic. “Querl, if you're hiding, this is not funny!”

Then he sees the open window in the living room and panics, thinking that Brainy has finally lost it and jumped. He runs to it and looks out, afraid of what he's going to find, but there's nothing but ordinary pavement down below. Brainy is not here. So then, where is she?

For the first time, he notices the cigarette ash on the couch, and the dirty footprints on the rug. Someone has been in here. Did that person take Querl with them? Before Lyle can follow that thought any further, his Omnicom alerts him to an incoming call. He struggles to answer it with one hand and hold the fussing baby with the other.

“Hello?”

“Lyle, this is Rokk. We need you to bring Brainy back to Legion World immediately. I just got word that Zanda and Dram broke out of Takron Galtos last night and we think they're going to target Brainy.”

It's too late for that, Lyle realizes, because all the puzzle pieces come together then. “They've got him.”

“What?” Rokk asks, sounding confused.

“They... They've got Brainy,” Lyle manages to get out. “He's not here, they must have taken him last night. They must have knocked me out. I don't remember anything, Rokk, but he's gone and the baby won't stop crying.”

Tears have started streaming down Lyle's own face by now. Maybe he's sobbing too. He can't tell if he is, or if Juliet has just gotten louder.

He hears Rokk say something about waiting there and then the Omnicom screen switches off. Feeling helpless, Lyle sits down on the clean end of the couch, hugging Juliet and trying in vain to calm her crying.

When Mr. Brande arrives with Sci-Pol officers in tow, Lyle has lost track of time. He barely feels the old man's hands on his shoulders, struggles to hear what Mr. Brande is saying, but lets the man pull him up from the couch and guide him out of the apartment.

“I'm taking you to my villa,” Mr. Brande explains as he helps Lyle into his car. “Sit tight, Lad, I'm going back for the little girl's belongings. We'll have your personal items brought to the villa later on.”

Lyle feels like a failure. He was supposed to protect Brainy. Now he can't even calm their daughter and Juliet has cried so long and so hard that she is sounding hoarse. She's going to make herself sick if this keeps up. He has never seen a baby cry so much for so long. Was Brainy right, then, about Juliet being aware of her surroundings? Does she know that her mother was taken?

He chokes back his own tears and tries to be strong for his daughter. “Shh, baby, M-Mama's okay. She's just gone for a little while, but she'll be back. Daddy's h-here, I've got you. Please stop crying, Juliet, Mama is alright.”

And somehow that works. Lyle counts his lucky stars when Juliet finally calms down. But she looks up at him with teary eyes, as though she expects something more from him, and doesn't know what to do.

“I... I can't go and get her for you, baby. But she'll be back. We just have to be patient, okay? It's alright. Mama's coming home, I promise.”

He tries to force a smile but isn't sure that he manages it. Brainy probably has no idea how important she is to them. What if she's gone for good? What if those psychopaths kill her? And they're definitely going to hurt her – there's no doubt about that in Lyle's mind.

Grife, he was only just getting Brainy back to her old self. Now he has lost her all over again and who knows if she'll be alright after this, if they even find her alive. How did Zanda and Dram ever escape Takron Galtos?

Juliet just keeps staring at him, solemn now and Lyle thinks he can see her mind working behind her eyes. If Brainy is right about her, Juliet will remember all of this one day. He doesn't know what he'll tell her if one day she asks him where her mother is. No, he has to believe that he can get Brainy back and that won't ever be an issue.

Without Brainy, he's not sure he can do this.

–

Querl wakes up chained to a bed; well, calling it a bed might be too generous. It's a cot, if anything, barely big enough for his slim form. His mind is still fuzzy from whatever Zanda did to him but he shakes it off and tries to investigate his surroundings. The room has no windows and it is tiny and cramped. There's a toilet in one corner, and a sink beside it. Everything is quiet and he can't tell if he's on a ship or not.

If he's not on a ship, his transportation was incredibly fast. Or maybe he has been out longer than he thought. Either way, it's not good. If he is on a ship, he wonders if the vessel will be apprehended. It's probably cloaked, but the Legion is equipped to detect most cloaking technology – Querl saw to this himself.

His concern then turns to Juliet and Lyle and he tries to remember of either of them were harmed. No... He remembers Dram saying they were too much trouble to bring along. Unless they were harmed after Zanda turned the lights off for him, they should be safe. Querl is the one they want.

The door to the room opens and interrupts his thoughts. Querl is hardly surprised to see Dram's hulking figure, but a chill goes through him nonetheless. This is the man who raped him. This man is Juliet's father. Nothing but dread fills Querl at the sight of him.

“You're awake,” the man grunts, as though he expected Querl to still be out. “Quick recovery.”

Querl cannot find his voice to speak. Dram doesn't seem to mind and ambles over to the cot, observing Querl with a critical gaze. When he reaches out to touch Querl's forehead, Querl loses his composure and lets out a shriek, flinching away from the touch. Dram pulls his hand back.

“You kept the baby,” Dram says, folding his arms across his chest. He leans against the wall and stares at Querl. “Interesting. She looks like you.”

Is this guy serious? Querl can't believe that his kidnapper and rapist is actually trying to make smalltalk with him about their illegitimate daughter. No way is he telling this creep a damn thing about Juliet.

“Sprock you,” he spits, anger lending a voice to him. “Stay the sprock away from my little girl.”

For a moment, Dram regards him quietly. Then he says, “You never found anyone to change you back.”

“Why do you care?” Querl demands. “You sprocking raped me, you bastard. No, I didn't find anyone who could or would change me back. I'm stuck in this useless body because of you and your partner, and yes, you got me pregnant when you raped me. This does not mean you have any right to act like we're old friends or even acquaintances, not when you've just kidnapped me from my family and have me chained to a bed!”

“I'm sorry,” Dram says. His face is completely devoid of emotion. “I'm sorry for that and I'm sorry for what I will have to do to you in the future. This is just a job.”

Enraged, Querl yanks at the cuffs around his wrists and grits his teeth. “Just a job? You steal people, you _rape_ people, and you call that a _job_? You disgust me! Every time you force yourself on me, every time you violate my body, I will dream of _killing you_.”

The sincerity of his own words shocks him. Legionnaires don't kill. He could get expelled from the Legion for killing someone. But he really means it. He wants nothing more than Dram's head on a pike. Arresting the bastard and putting him away for life clearly didn't do any good. People like that need to be erased.

Instead of taking offense, Dram has the audacity to crack a smile. “You are an unusual specimen. Listen to me carefully because I will only say this once. Where you're going, you will need more than just your willpower to survive. I can teach you how to make it easier.”

“What do you care?” Querl yanks at the cuffs again. “I already know your true colors. It won't do you any good to act like you give a damn what happens to me.”

“You kept the child.” Dram's expression finally softens, just a little. “I admire your strength.”

This man is a bastard, Querl knows that. He doesn't want to let himself be fooled into thinking otherwise, no matter what Dram says. But for some reason, the fact that Querl carried Juliet to term seems to have hit the man hard. Querl files this away for future use. Maybe it will be useful information in the future.

“She is innocent in all of this,” Querl says, looking away from the man. “And I am a Legionnaire. We don't kill.”

“You dream of killing me,” Dram reminds him.

“Only dreams. If I killed you, I would be expelled from the Legion, and my team is more important to me than your life or death will ever be.”

Dram reaches out and places his hand against Querl's cheek. It's a surprisingly gentle action but the fear that wells up in Querl makes him flinch and his breathing speeds up.

“There it is,” Dram murmurs. “That noble streak. She was always like that.”

“Sh-she?” Querl tries to keep his voice level but failing. He's too scared of what this man can do to him. “What are y-you talking a-about?”

“Never mind.” His captor leans over him, his body a suffocating weight on top of Querl. “Be a good girl and this won't be as painful.”

Panic overwhelms Querl. He struggles beneath Dram, trying to kick the man off, but it's useless. Dram subdues him easily, holding him down against the bed while Querl grunts and whimpers, his fear steadily growing.

“No! Get off me!”

The man pays him no mind as he pushes up the flimsy nightshirt Querl is wearing. He hooks his fingers in the waistband of Querl's underwear and simply tears them off. “You won't be needing these for a while.”

A hiccuping sob escapes Querl as he desperately shakes his head. “Please, don't do this to me. Not again, I can't, please.”  


He tries to look the man in the eyes as he begs, but Dram avoids his gaze, his face once more stony. The man pushes Querl's legs apart with one hand and uses the other to push Querl's face against the mattress.

Querl gives up and cries into the mattress, the sound muffled by Dram's smothering hand.

How he'll ever recover this time, he doesn't know. Maybe this is the last straw. Killing himself doesn't seem like such a hard thing to do anymore. If he had a gun, he'd kill himself now before Dram could rape him again. He wouldn't even feel guilty about leaving Lyle and Juliet.

When the man penetrates him, it wrings a strangled sob out of Querl. It hurts just as much as it did the first time. He hasn't had sex in months, and never much enjoyed it when he and Lyle did make love, but it was different from this. At least he knew then that Lyle would be gentle with him and considerate.

Dram just pulls it out and shoves it back in, over and over again. His harsh breathing echoes in the room, filling up Querl's head. Unlike the first time, Dram seems to actually be enjoying himself this time, not that Querl can really tell through his tears. But the man makes noises, moans of pleasure as he pounds into Querl. His thrusts grow harder and faster as he releases any pretense of control.

The hand holding Querl's face down moves and Dram grabs Querl's hips with both hands, shoving hard and deep into Querl.

“Take it, you little bitch. I'll fill you up. Yes, yes, yes. I'll knock you up again. Did you like it the first time? Filled up with my seed. I'll bet you looked beautiful, plump and round. You should have been mine. This time, you will be.”

_Please don't let him do it again,_ Querl thinks to himself, clenching his eyes shut so he won't have to see the big man above him rocking in ecstasy.  _Don't let him impregnate me again._

When it's over and Dram has released in Querl, the man slumps over him, exhausted. Querl is limp, too tired and hurting too much to struggle anymore.

Dram sighs and presses his lips against Querl's neck. “I'd keep you if I could. Zanda wants revenge. I can't save you from that.”

All Querl can do is whimper in response. Carrying Juliet nearly killed him. If he has to go through that here, without Lyle, without medical aid, he's fairly certain it will be the death of him. But maybe it didn't work this time. Maybe he won't conceive.

At last, Dram moves off of him and pulls out. He rights his clothes and then unlocks the cuffs holding Querl down on the bed. “We'll send someone to clean you up and bring you food. I'll be back later on to continue your training.”

“That...was training?” Querl manages to ask, rubbing his sore wrists. “Seemed... personal. Does Zanda know that you're trying to...get me...pregnant again?”

“She owes me,” Dram says. “She'll keep her mouth shut about it.”

Querl's heart sinks. He draws in a shuddering breath. “Why? What would you do with a child? You can't raise it here. This... This is no place for a baby.”

He can tell that he has hit a nerve by the look on Dram's face. But whatever Dram thinks might happen if Querl bears him a child, it's a pipe dream.

“You can't make a family this way. If that's what you want, why are you still here? You could wipe your slate clean and start a real family. You could find a girl who wants you instead of forcing yourself on me. I could... I could help you.”

There is no pity in him for this man but maybe, just maybe, Dram is his ticket out of here. If he can talk the man into leaving with him, Querl might be able to get back home. He forces himself to sit up despite the pain it causes him.

“Please. We could help each other. I have a family and I just want to go back to them. If you'd help me get back to them, I'd help you start over.”

For a moment, Dram looks as though he might be considering Querl's offer. Then his expression darkens and he growls, shaking his head.

“You don't know a damn thing about it, bitch. If you ever talk about that again, I'll let the crew members teach you a lesson, are we clear?”

Querl shrinks back from him, the threat sending chills down his spine. “I-I was just...”

“Shut up!” Dram advances on him, grabs him by the throat and squeezes hard. Querl chokes and grasps uselessly at the man's hand, trying to pry his fingers off. “It's none of your damn business, do you understand?!”

It's difficult to breathe. Querl does his best to nod, trying to show that he understands. Terror grips him and muddles his usually sharp mind.

Then, Dram lets go of him and backs off, swearing quietly under his breath. He glares at Querl for good measure before turning on his heel and leaving the room. Querl is left alone, resting heavily against the metal headboard of the bed.

He takes a moment to gather his thoughts and assess the damage. His body aches and he's afraid to stand up because he doesn't think his legs will support him right now. Raising one hand, he rubs his tender neck and swallows, an action that causes him further pain.

Eventually, the door to the room opens and a Talokian woman enters, carrying a tray of food. Another woman steps in behind her, a humanoid with peachy skin tone that is hard to identify. She could be from any number of places. In her hands, she carries a bowl of water.

The woman from Talok places the tray of food on the floor, then motions for the other woman to bring the bowl of water to Querl's bedside.

“We are to clean you,” she says without preamble, her manner gruff in a way that reminds Querl very much of Tasmia.

“I can do it myself, if you don't mind,” he says in return. He doesn't want anyone else to touch him today and he stares into the Talokian's eyes, silently begging her to understand this.

Like most of her kind, the Talokian keeps a tight reign on her emotions and shows nothing outwardly but a sneer, as though she finds Querl's request to be foolish. She probably does. But she tells her companion to put the bowl down.

“You wash, then. We will come back for the dishes later.”

She and her companion turn to go but Querl has a sudden thought and calls out to them. “Wait!”

The Talokian glances back over her shoulder at him. “Yes?”

“Do you...” Querl fumbles for the right words. “That is... I don't want to have a child. Do you have anything?”

Sympathy finally shows in her eyes. “... No. I am sorry.”

“Thank you anyway,” Querl says, turning his gaze away. He feels hollow inside.

The women leave and Querl is once again alone with his demons. Against all hope, he prays that Lyle will find him and bring him home.

TBC


End file.
